A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was dating who I thought to be the most perfect man 3 months ago. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man, and more.We broke up very recently and I have been having mixed emotions of it everyday and am trying to sort out my feelings.I know that in the long run, we are not compatible. He wants a family, and wants children. But he just opened his own law firm, and told me he had ADD as a child, which I am feeling he still has, and I misread so many of the signs. I took his hyperactivity, forgetfulness, and inaction, for insincerity and deceit and got upset because I couldn't fully trust him because his actions didn't match his words. He seemed to really try, but with the stress and long hours of his new business and career as an attorney, he couldn't give me the time to build a new relationship. To him, he thought showing up was enough. I really liked him as a person, but it was frustrating because the relationship wasn't growing. We didn't do much, if I wanted an activity I would have to plan the dates, or beg and threaten not to see him unless he planned a date, or else he would show up at my place, fall asleep to the tv, and leave. This left me very frustrated. He also told me early on he was in love with me. This screamed red flag to me! I told him strong feelings so early on, without really knowing someone, is not sustainable. I fought his declaration of love for a while, but I gave in because he was so sweet.He broke up with me, though I had been unsatisfied for awhile but always tried since he was such an amazing, polite, smart, handsome, etc etc, he had so many amazing qualities that I adored so much, but I also wanted to date like a normal couple, and I didn't think we would get that. He said everything he said, he felt at the time. That he saw a future with me, that he was in love with me, etc. I assume this is aligned with the ADD, quick to lose interest, although I admit, the last few weeks, I was voicing my need for quality time with him, and he said he was sorry he is not showing me he cares in the way I need him to, but he does. I feel he is such a great man, but I am not selfless enough to sustain a parent-child relationship, something that I felt it might head to. He is brilliant at his job and hard working. But I don't feel he makes much effort in a romantic relationship. Our first 4 dates he fell asleep on me, he says he will do things and doesn't do them, he shows up late all the time. One time I asked him to go grocery shopping with me, he was half an hour late, and when we got to the grocery store he left and went back into his car. I was so confused, I thought he didn't care, but now I realize it must be the ADD.I feel sad we broke up, but at the same time, I don't think I would be happy in that sort of relationship, especially since he wants children, i would be taking care of children and him. At the same time he is one of the most amazing men I have met. I know it was a very young relationship, my gut tells me I would not be happy. Am I selfish because I do not want to be selfless?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are right Honeypie.
I felt so neglected already and it was suppose to be the beginning of a relationship. He would tell me he was in love with me but act so strange and only now do i know it was ADD but i took it as insincerity and him just bsing me.
He is a great guy, but I want an equal partnership and with him I feel I would always be mothering.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 July 2014):
 I agree with FA.
It was the right thing to do. Long Term this would be a disaster for you. He might not even pay attention to it.
People can have ADD and be amazing people. BUT like anything else it takes a special someone to live with it.
I'm OCD and I know it was hard to adjust to all my "quirks" for my husband but he also have his own set of "issues" so in that sense we have both adapted well, it's a give or take.
You seem quite willing to give, he didn't and that isn't a good match.
Not everything he did was due to the ADD, I bet. Some of it might just have him being more focused on HIMSELF then the ADD.
I can't see why being glad it didn't work out is being selfish.
Some relationship works, others don't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha – yes this was an OMG did I mess things up forever with an amazing guy who otherwise was perfect. Nailed it!I enjoy being cared for as well, I love caring for someone, but I also expect care in return… what I saw was a one way street of my mothering him, because of his stressful job, because he is tired and works more, add children in the mix, I might as well drive my car into the river now.Since I made this discovery last night – I emailed him to let him know that I think he has adult ADD. Because if I had known, I would have reacted differently and wouldn't have resented him so much. He said that he attributes our not working out to timing of his new business. I don't think it's every timing when you meet the right person. I think you can find the right person to fit your personality, but with a disorder, I think it would be beneficial to be open to a partner so they will have better understanding of the symptoms, and not mistake it for behaviour. So many times I really thought he was a selfish lazy uncaring brat BUT who was attentive, sweet and earnest, it was so confusing! I hope I did the right thing in that. He has told me how lonely he is, as a lawyer, and as I have read, people with ADD are lonely (?). He had a long term gf of 6 years break up because she doesn't want kids, and he doesn't date a lot but said it's common for him to have of sizzles and fizzles. I care about this guy A LOT.Haha I don't want his lifestyle. Going somewhere so he can get a drink and smoke. We dated 3 months and he took me out to dinner ONCE, and I was so excited we finally got to go to dinner that I paid for it (he paid for brunch earlier in the day). I paid for the dates I planned, I planned dinner to cook for him, I wanted everything to be the best for him. Early on, I invited him over for dinner, the first dinner I would cook for him, he forgot about it. Took a nap, and didn't show up til 10PM. Another time he said he would bring me take out but forgot. I anticipated this so I had food planned. I gave him another chance and he said he finally would get his chance to feed me, and would bring take out. He showed up an hour late and didn't bring anything, and was slightly drunk. He didn't even seem fazed that he forgot food. While doing this he kept saying how he was in love with me, but acted like THAT. It all added up.You're right. It is self preservation. But part of me really adored the guy that I would keep trying no matter what.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 July 2014):
 So this is a OMG did I do the right thing post.
I personally think you did the right thing for the right reason. Your agony over whether or not you are selfish is another issue. You accepted his breaking up with you, because you knew that you two were not compatible. continuing an incompatible relationship because you want his lifestyle would be selfish. Continuing because you are afraid you will be alone would be selfish. You have expressed nothing selfish. You may be thinking I was selfish because I didn't accept a man who could not meet my emotional needs. Woah! thats not selfish thats self preservation. That's like choosing to eat. not selfish, essential.
I may think some of your rules are silly but plenty of people think my ideas are silly. I happen to know a school administrator who has adult ADD. He is happily married. The reason he is happily married is because he found the right woman to fit his personality, ADD and all. Your Friend will find someone who can be the love in his life. By letting him let you go you are helping him move on to that woman.
FA
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