A
male
age
41-50,
*artinB3
writes:Hi there.I have been in a serious relationship for the last 7 years. Serious as in total love, mortgages, kids etc etc. The relationship ended in october, this is how. In September my ex told she wasn't happy, even though she had just signed to a massive mortgage just 6 months earlier. I asked what was wrong and she told me what the problems were. Without going into the problems, whilst admitting I wasn't a saint, I wasn't a devil either and the problems, as far as I am concerned, were average at best. If I said our relationship was 95% excellent and 5% bad, you get the picture, and that 5 % was nothing serious either. Anyway, in October, after 2 weeks of trying to work things out, she left me. Since then we've remained friends for our children, who are both young. We have spent xmas together, we go shopping together etc. Basically we live like a couple but then go our separate ways, she's even still insured on my car and uses it at will! Any way the other day she told me she had started seeing someone at work, this someone is someone who's name was ALWAYS banded about and who I thought may have been sniffing round whilst we were together. She insists nothing happened though and that it is just a coincidence. I believe her. Some of you will be saying i'm guilible but I know my ex and I know when she's lying, and she ain't lying about this, i'm sure. Anyway because I am still madly in love with her, and because I never saw the split coming, and because the reasons she gave for leaving are very poor, I am starting to feel really upset and jealous about this new guy. They are going on their first date tomorrow and she has said they will probably end up at her friends flat. I am my own worst enemy cos I keep asking what she's up to etc, (we have daily contac due to our kids). I know tomorrow night is going to be a nightmare, a total nightmare. Am I right to ask her if she has sex with this guy, am I right to wonder what they'll be getting up to, (she is my EX after all), and am I right to ask, come Saturday after the date, if they did get up to anything. I just can't accept the thought of someones paws all over my ex fiance of the last 7 years and it's literally killing me.
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Hi Martin. When one person in a relationship says it's over, it's over!
She is moving forward. You are stuck at last September.
You have no right to ask anything.
I know how tough this is for you. You are just going to have get through it. Hold on to the thought that many go through this. Many have it a lot worse.
Your question should have been "Relationship over. How do I move on?" That's what your problem is. You just don't want to accept it. But you won't start on the road to recovery until you accept where you are.
Another factor you have to accept is that you cannot rely on your own judgement in this situation. Already I see signs of yours being faulty. For example, you're still hanging on to the idea that nothing much was wrong (95% v. 5%). Your perception of the 5% was incorrect. Don't take this as criticism, I've misjudged situations as well; though wasn't apparent at the time. Only with hindsight. In a year's time you might believe me. Right now you won't - but listen anyway. Not your fault - just an aspect of this horrendous situation you are currently in. And you are in this situation by pure chance - it just happens. Not your fault. Not her fault.
Right now, the main priority is to get you through the next 48/72 hours. My suggestion would be to get a mate over, or better still go to someone else's house. If you're going to drink, get rid of the car keys. Try not to drink if you're responsible for kids. You won't believe how crazy this can get if you've not experienced it before. You might not even be safe to drive without alcohol. Try to avoid driving completely. Try to focus on the 'future' whatever that means to you - holiday with the kids; a new partner - anything but her. She's the past not the future.
If at any point you find yourself going absolutley crazy, log on to some websites showing people in extreme, life threatening, helpless situations - people starving, famine, separation from family through war, torture etc. It helps put your own pain in context.
Take care. Don't, don't, don't risk driving. Richard
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): You may struggle with this type of thing for a while, you said this was a surprise and emotionally she still feels like your wife.It is quite natural that your feeling very strange, upset and jealous. Unfortunately you need to see that your wife has emotionally moved on from your relationship, she would have had to to become involved with someone else. Whilst this is not what you are wanting to see, 'up front and personal like!', the way you are dealing with the end of your marriage is causing some of your pain.It is admirable that you and your wife have put the children first in this situation. Your relationship now is focused on what is best for the children. If, however you are still so close with your contact, your going to get hurt time and time again. You need more seperation. It is not fair for her to be so lacking in sensitivety when it comes to your and her moving on. And I think she is being insesitive to your knowledge about her life now. But you keep doing the same things you did when your were married.She needs to be aware also, that the perks of married life are no longer available to her, I am not talking about the kids, but she can't have all the perks but not take on, or work with the person who provides for them. If she wanted to end the relationship, she has, her choice, but she needs independence from you now. Otherwise she has the best of both worlds. It would not be appropriate to ask her what she gets up to on her dates, but equally if she is thrusting her 'new life' in your face, continues to accept your indulgences, like cars and good company, then that is also not on. She and you need to break completely, for both your sakes. You need to feel independent of each other to start your new respective lives. Try to understand, the more involved you are still with her personally, the harder it will be to get your own new start. I think you need more distance.All the best, but remember what she does n o w, is her business as long as she is not hurting or disrupting the children.
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A
male
reader, MartinB3 +, writes (14 February 2008):
MartinB3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers i've received so far. They are all very helpful in their own way. A common theme is 'go out and enjoy life'. That, unfortunately is easier said than done. The 2 kids we have, well for complicated reasons 1 lives with each of us and we swap at weekends, other days etc. There are only 3 days/nights out of each fortnight that I have 'free', (always sounds guilty saying that), time so I am not in a position to go out every night etc. Tomorrow is my weekend with the kids so I will be here. Thank you again for your answers to date. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): Hi Hunny
Of course your right to be upset, This is a terrible shock to you love and you will think about it thats natural.
To ask her what she did would be your own worst enemy as your mind will just take over anyway as it is now and whatever she tells you will never be enough to satisfy you.
You are a fantastic dad who has constant contact with your children, But is it a good idea to keep such good contact with your ex to the point of your ex talking to you about what and who she is seeing as this is going to constantly get you down as you still love her. Its great that you still get on, But your love for her is so obviously strong that you will never have reached a point of closing the bond of partners. And untill that happens will not be able to start your own life as you are content to live this way as you still love her, The only difference is your not ending up in the same home at night.
You need to get out with mates hunny and have some good times of your own, Hard I no. But instead of sitting at home thinking what your ex is doing that would be a better idea, This may be a part of your exes life that she wanted to try out and she may find its not as good as it appeared in her head so things may not end up the way you are thinking anyway, She must no you really care about her so to tell you she is going back to her friends flat is abit cruel well in my eyes as she must no this is hurting you. I do hope things get better for you soon hunny and you get some peace of mind TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): Whether or not you ask her you are still going to be wondering if she is telling you the truth - right?? No matter if she says yes or no you still won't have an answer so I think you should leave well enough alone, start doing things to take your mind off your ex and what she is doing as this isn't healthy for you or her!!!
Join a new club/team, starting going out, meeting new people and making friends. You never know she may get jealous and realise what she is missing out on. Don't go chasing after her - that only makes things worse. Leave her come to you, if thats what she wants but just enjoy your life. Your still young and should be out having fun - well is your ex can so can you ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): My friend, this is very hard and I truly do feel for you. Not to mention considering how long you have been together, the split hasnt happened that long ago.
Asking her about it could either do two things: if she said she did sleep with him, will it make you feel any better or worst? Sometimes they say ignorance is bliss. Or asking her about it might just start an argument with her. Women can be strange creatures also I know! So if you do decide you want to know the truth and have thought of all the consequences then I say when you see her just be normal / casual etc. Then maybe later on a long while into the convo just say, So did you end up going out with so-and-so that night in the end. To which she may say yes, then just ask her oh cool so how did it go. I mean she may either tell you everything or tell you a little....but you know her well enough to see from her reaction or what may have happened.
On the night itself you really must not stay home alone. Go out with your friends or go over to someone's house. Because I am telling you that staying in home alone will make you into a madman just thinking, picturing etc!
In the meantime I know you wanna get back with her - who knows what the future holds. But do not be whiney or clingy. Women like confident and self assured men. So as much as it is killing you inside you have to give out the persona that you are cool and fine anf getting on with your life. Maybe even start going out as well. It is funny how relationships work - once you know someone is there pining for you then it is one story, but as soon as you think they are out there dating again or potentially you may loose them, it may change. Human behaviour is strange but I have seen that happen many times.
Anyway so hold your head up high no matter what - hope that helps. BE strong-good luck x
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 To answer your question: No you don't have a right to ask her about her private life because you all don't have that type of relationship anymore. You're not a couple you are parents...Now what I really think: As a man who has been there and done that, you are being gulible and yes this guy has been sniffing around. After 7 years he has peaked her interest. She was bored and curious. Now she wants to explore new frontiers. Thats not to say that she'll run off and have sex with this guy. She knows you will always be around and accessible as long as you have children and she knows that you are madly in love with her. When she gets done having her fun and finds out that there is nothing out there she'll always have you waiting to take her back. My suggestion: Go out and have fun. Stop asking her questions about this guy or her life outside of the children. Find a woman you can hang out with, or some friends to go and party with. Its hard I know but you have to or you will lose it thinking about her and this other fellow...Be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): tou cant just keep presurin her and askin her questions its not good and will drive her away so dont push her and if you really want to get back with her ask her straight will it ever happen again if the ansa is no then you have to move on and think about your kids and a new parnter but dont rush into things
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