A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Would really appreciate some advice as I cannot find any useful articles online.Ive been with my boyfriend for a few years and we have lived together for two and a half years.In the past, it wasn't too serious and we rented places that have furniture. Now we are moving into a home in which we are meant to get furniture and he wants us to buy it. I would not mind this, only I feel a bit upset that despite talking about getting engaged and wanting to marry me - apparently, he has not yet asked me. He said a few times (to friends also) that he does not want to get engaged (to me) until he can afford the entire wedding. I would just like a bigger symbol of his commitment to me, other than sharing a home and buying furniture (everyone I know does that regardless of their commitment to another person so it means little in our context). He knows, for the most part, that I don't mind about a big wedding, and that I would simply like the symbol of the ring and what it represents, but yet he hasn't asked. How do I change this situation so that I can be happy again? Because I really feel that buying furniture with him and going on to live again in another home is like accepting that I am the cow that gives the milk for free so to speak. It makes me feel, despite my best attempts, valued less and therefore unsettled.Also, his hobby is buying and selling rings, so he knows how to get one at a price he can afford! Am I a fool or something? Should I wait the few years, continue and continue as we are, until he decides he has enough money to put a bit aside to propose and follow through with the wedding? So many thanks in advance,xxx
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 If moving in together with him is going to lead to resentment on your part, I'd say to continue to live apart. If you want to be married before moving in together, then stick to that, I don't think it's unreasonable.
Some people have objections to the institution of marriage, which is fine, as long as he's being clear with you if that is the case. If he just doesn't want to make that commitment, fine, but that doesn't mean you have to commit to a live-in relationship that will only make you feel miserable.
I think he's being fiscally responsible by wanting to pay for the wedding, but honestly, do you really need to spend lots of money to get married? Some people elope and spend virtually nothing. Is it your vision of a wedding he thinks he has to fund?
Maybe the thing to do is to talk about how you see the wedding and how much more important being married is than having a great big party where you spend lots of money.
I'd be lovingly firm about what you want; you don't need to be angry with him or get wrought up about it. Just smile and be kind and say that alas, living together just isn't enough at this time in your life. To be able to transition to living with someone for you requires a bit more commitment that you currently have from him. Smile and be upbeat and bright about it. "When you are ready for the next step, I'll be right there with you! But for now, just living together isn't enough. I'm madly in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. So let's keep things as they are and when you are ready to take the next step, I'll be ready!"
Be sure you've had the discussion about having an inexpensive wedding first, of course. He may have the notion that you want to spend loads of money he doesn't have yet.
Good luck!
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