A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a mostly happy relationship. I am 29 and my boyfriend is a couple of years younger than me. We have known each other for a few years before becoming official. I started living with him and his Dad last year when my Mum kicked me out of her place. I took ages to take up his offer of living together but it felt right so I agreed. Since then, life for us, however, took a turn for us - he became unemployed for a few months and then he began shift work. This meant he worked alternate nights and days thus we had little time together. I hated it at first but am a little used to it now. We didn't do much when we had the same days off and I didn't feel he put the effort into us. When I surprised him he shrugged it off and over time it put me off trying. He just seemed to be in a bubble I didn't notice before we lived together. I feel unloved, distant and kinda insecure about us. A few months ago he moved away for work. We meet up far less due to our work schedules. We call and text each other every day but he isn't a great communicator either and rarely surprises me to keep our relationship alive. Again I tried to but did less as I got little response.He will be visiting in a fortnight. I was over the moon and excited inside about it when he told me the date, why? Am I really in love with him? If I am why do I have such negative feelings and what can be done to solve this problem? We agree we are compatible and it's only life that has got in the way. I want to get over these issues before it ruins us, please help! Thank you!ps. credit where credit is due he has changed a lot and tried to make us better but is it normal to expect a little more commitment because we are more involved now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): You mentioned he was out of work, then you both ended up with conflicting work schedules. That can be a big inconvenience, and it can also work to your advantage.
As you go through things together, events will change you as individuals; and will also change the dynamic of your relationship. You learn to improvise, and work your way around snags and cracks. Tweak glitches where they happen.
The important thing is that your relationship survives the changes, and you're overcoming the obstacles together. You're very perceptive in the fact that you now realize you feel you're loving him more; in spite of these challenges. You've hung in there, and you say he has made the effort as well. Just don't delude yourself if he isn't working hard enough. It was he who invited you to live with him.
You are learning his ways, as he's learning yours. It gets scary at times. Sometimes it'll feel like you're drifting apart. You have to remember, you are individuals, and there are times when you withdraw into own heads to figure out how to deal with things. You also need space to breathe, stretch, and grow. You're not conjoined twins. Just be sure to put your heads together to solve problems, and insist on keeping communication open. You don't have to tolerate long periods of dead air between you; but let him rest. Sometimes you just want and need peace and quiet.
When he's away, it becomes strained. That's the hardest part of a relationship, when we're apart from each other.
He's bad at communicating, so agree on a scheduled time of the day and night to touch base with each other. Explain to him how important it is to you that you connect with him when he's away. Discuss this issue when he is with you face to face, not during an argument or over the phone. Save discussions about your concerns for when he's home, not while he's away. Don't give him an excuse to avoid you.
Scolding him about it will not make him want to improve. You have to encourage him with affection. Scold him when he shows you disrespect. Put your foot down when he is neglectful and slack. Relationships goes both ways. Don't do all the work.
If he slacks off, let him know; as much as you care, you will not stick around for that. You can do bad all by yourself. You can also survive by yourself.
He's got to know there are consequences for taking you for granted. Guys get pretty sure of themselves when their woman is too needy. They think they've got you wrapped around their little finger, and you won't go anywhere. We have to realize there is the possibility you might not stick around. You can move on, if you're not happy where you are. This can't be an idle threat; it has to be a reality in your mind, if you want men to treat you well.
Challenges will test your patience and he will get on your nerves. You'll get on his. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Times do get rough and strained. That's part of the growing process. Keep working at it.
Take it a day at a time. Don't be so in-love, that you put up with things he does that hurt you. That isn't love, it's stupidity.
I'm wishing you both the best of luck!
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