A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure I would call this a relationship problem but it is an internal conflict involving me and my boyfriend. I would greatly appreciate anyone sharing their personal experience if they can relate or any advice they have to share. But first some background info on my relationship:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years and have know each other/been friends for 3 years before that. I would say we have a healthy relationship, we have been through some big life events, we communicate well, we have our fights and disagreements and we have our priceless moments. We have lived together for the past 3 years and we are currently renting a house. We have plans to get married but have both decided to wait until after he finished school and found a stable job. That leads me to my quandary.My boyfriend is graduating this month and is looking for a job. He is currently working full time in the a specialist department of a specialist type company. This has given him a good work record, and has allowed him to help with the household expenses but it has prolonged his schooling (which is not a big problem since we are both only 24, I just included that part to help elaborate the timeline here, he didn't graduate in an exact 4 years and that has pushed back my plan to return to school). But I am the main breadwinner between us. I went to a technical college, got an Associates degree in 2 years (no student loans), and got a job with the intention of saving up enough money to go back to school without taking out any loans. I was making more than double what he was making and have recently gotten a raise which makes the gap even wider. While he did (and still does) feel guilty about not being able to chip in as much financially we had an understanding that it was a temporary situation and after he graduated and found a job I would transition to working part time and go back to school. But now that he is looking for work it has become obvious that will not be possible. We live in a small city that is heavily based on one industry and his area of expertise means that he will need to look elsewhere for work. Even with his few years of his specialist area of experience he will be working at entry level pay which is still considerably less than my income, combine that with the fact that he will have to start paying off student loans. We both know there will be a few months separation while he moves to an new area (I have no plans to quit my job until he is completely settled). We have done the long distance relationship thing before and we are not looking forward to it. He understands what I would be giving up in order to move and that our finances will take a dent. But I know that in order for him to get his career off the ground he will have to move and start low and work his way up. I worry about needing to work another full time job in order to make up the difference and put off my education once again. I also worry that if I make too big a deal out of the whole situation my boyfriend will just take the manager position offered by the director in his area (he was told that he would be promoted and given a raise after his graduation, he hasn't told them that he is looking elsewhere though. The position doesn't offer any upward potential besides being the director of his area. within the next 10 years if the current director retires.) That's where things stand. I don't actually enjoy my job, the city we're in, or the even the industry (which is why I want to go back to school) but it pays very well and it seems selfish to intentionally cause financial hurt to both of us just because I want to do something different (currently we don't own a home or have kids but we would have liked to be at that point in the next few years). I'm not confident about quitting, losing our main source of income, and moving with him when he finds a job in a city that may be on the other side of the country. But I don't want to live alone in a city I don't like, spending every day at a job I dislike, for months maybe even a year. This has made both of us depressive since I can only see stress, hardship, and more sacrifice from me, and he is depressed because there isn't anything he can do to "fix" the situation. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous. I know my boyfriend wouldn't hold it against me for quitting and we have lived on less before. I am still under 26 so I can go on my parents insurance for a while (I have a costly genetic disorder that makes me afraid to quit a job with full health benefits). It's reassuring to hear personal stories from people who quit their jobs and their families/relationships didn't "suffer" because of it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2014): You sound like you both have a really solid relationship which has already stood some testing.I went to university at 22, my now husband (then boyfriend) stayed working full time and took on overtime while I went to uni full time and worked two part time jobs that NO WHERE NEAR matched my previous earnings.I jacked in a "good" job, it paid excellently, there were progression opportunities but was I happy? No way. You will be amazed at how you adapt and get by when you have a change in circumstances and when you already know you've got someone whose going to stand by you throughout you get through it.If going back to study is going to give you a better future and enable you to be in employment that satisfies you more then sit down and make a plan. Work out the minimum you need to live, fuel a car, pay the loans etc... You will be able to study and work - I found it hard but it was how it had to be, I had friends who not only held down two jobs but also had their hildren to care for while trying to do their degree so where there is a will there is a way! They have all said it would've been easier to do it earlier but it doesn't always work out that way.Talk this through with each other and continue to review your ideas, by all means ask your family and friends for suggestions but ultimately it will be the pair of you trying to find a way that works for you. Research various areas, look at housing prices, job prospects and if you could study in that area too. If not making a move and returning to study is something you know you will regret, then go for it. We only live once, so why not grasp new opportunities and it's even better you have someone to share it all with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate; when I wrote my question I included the field of work that my boyfriend is currently in, the area of his degree (not the actual degree, just the area). Evidently that was not acceptable and I was unaware of that. So any sentences that sound odd in reference to our area of work or the main industries in our city were edited by the moderators after the fact.
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