A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: After years living apart through work commitments and a huge amount of stress from moving we finally achieved our long awaited goal but now I'm having a hard time settling down. My husband is a lovely man, which is why I've turned my life upside down and moved for him, but he can be quite selfish and i often feel that I don't come first in his mind. He doesn't think about how his often very opinionated comments make me feel and is unapologetic "if a man can't say what he thinks in his own home...'. I spent a long time on my own raising my children before he arrived and was used to making my own decisions and I've had to do a lot of adjusting to consider him, although I do admit it's hard to remember not to always take the lead and take charge, to let him have his say and be the head of the house also.I found the last month or so very hard work, I'm homesick and want to please my husband but he's working till late and is very tired and grumpy. He wants to do his own thing when he gets home because he 'needs his space'. He's used to living alone and it seems he finds it hard to adjust too. Ultimately, something happened yesterday and I don't know if I've over-reacted but I'm really upset and don't know how to be around him. We picked paint for our new kitchen when we first moved and he's been working such long hours he hasn't had time to do it. I thought it would be a lovely surprise to paint the kitchen before he got back home. I worked really hard and was very upbeat, positive and excited that I'd please and impress him. I also thought he'd really appreciate not having to do the job. I timed it perfectly, got the kitchen and myself cleaned up and finished just before he walked through the door. He came in, took a second look and said 'wow, you've worked hard!' and then proceeded to pull the whole thing to pieces, 'are you sure that that colour should go there?' 'somehow it doesn't gel', etc. He wasn't abusive just completely thoughtless. I'd worked hard and my main goal was to please and impress him and I felt like he threw it back in my face. I got very angry and he went to bed without attempting to resolve it. This morning he awoke and asked if I was 'still grumpy' I wasn't grumpy, he'd upset me and until he acted so thoughtlessly I was happy and SO looking forward to seeing him, now I just feel sad and distant from him. I don't feel like I want to surprise him again or do anything thoughtful. He's made me feel like he doesn't understand me. He suggested I'd be equally as critical, which is not true. I occassionally pretend to like things to please him and if I really felt it necessary to say I didn't like it I would have let him have his moment in the sunshine and discussed it a couple of days later. It just felt so mean and he will only say he's sorry I'm upset, he is clear that he's not sorry for what he said and feels I'm being unreasonable. I'm so upset I'm finding it hard to step outside the situation and see whether I am reasonable or not and how to proceed. We have ended a second day on bad terms because of this but I feel unless I stand my ground he will continue to act in a thoughtless manner. Can anyone offer me a fresh eye and some advice? I've tried twice to explain how I feel to him and it's falling on deaf ears. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlazyguy hi, I think that's what the whole post was about really, it is hard getting used to the change in dynamics which is only to be expected. In answer to your first question, no it doesn't make him a bad guy, I actually stated at the beginning of the post that he is a nice man. We are both old enough to know it takes effort but I think my concern is that he's not taking the time to remember that or make the effort right now. How was he supposed to know what I wanted from him? Well, if you had made a massive effort to please someone what would want from them? A critique for your efforts or kind words? He was supposed to do what comes naturally and it appears that he naturally doesn't think kind thoughts when people make an effort to please him.
I think you make a fair point, how is he supposed to know that i pretend to like stuff (like which film we go and watch at the cinema or what to eat or how his latest project is going)? He isn't, because I make enough effort to please him the he doesn't realise that I put me needs second to his sometimes. How is he supposed to know to do the same? Well, I repeat what I said earlier, he's supposed to do what comes naturally, it simply works that I find it upsetting to know that it does not come naturally to him to put my feelings first. I hope this explains to you why I'm 'so excited'.
We've had a good talk today, although he was unhappy about me being upset he was content to coast it till I 'calmed down' I pointed out that I would not do so until he took the time to consider seriously what I'm saying. This IS the start of a new stage in our relationship and I'm determined that it won't start on uneven ground. Thanks again for your response.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJtalbot thank you for your answer. It is sometimes hard to remember men think in a different way to women. Sometimes I think we do expect immediate understanding of our thoughts. I appreciate you taking the time to answer.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Does being thoughtless make him a bad guy?
It sounds a bit like the two of you are having a hard time getting used to your new life together. Moving, kids from a previous relationship, hard work etc etc, they are not helping.
The honeymoon is over and now the living together and getting used to each other starts.
For some reason people seem to think this just happens and will go smoothly without any effort. HA!
This incident has you all excited about doing something nice that he should appreciate. All he sees is a painted kitchen, possible in the wrong colors or not done right. Classic mis-communication. Yes maybe he should have spotted that you wanted compliments and maybe you didn't paint it properly.
But mostly, he failed to see what you wanted and you over-reacted to this. How was he supposed to know how you expected him to react? A classic difference between men and women is the words "I love you". Women need to hear this constantly, men think once a decade is being mushy.
You pretend to like things to please him. How is he supposed to know this? If you are any good at being a lying scheming witch ;) then he doesn't know any better then that you really like those things. How should he know that you are pretending and that he should pretend in turn?
I think you two just need a moment alone together to talk things out, remember why you two are together and agree to make a bit more time for the other.
Because all an outsider sees is a silly argument and some mixed expectations.
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A
male
reader, JTalbott  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 I'm always amazed how many words and feelings my girlfriend finds to wrap around events.
At times I'm socially clueless and at times she over-analyzes, but that's what keeps our relationship interesting. I admire her emotional insight into things that I wouldn't otherwise notice.
As with all things, there is a time for technical critique and a time for emotional affirmation. With time you will both get better at knowing which is which and at accepting each other's communication style realizing there isn't a right or wrong way to do so.
As you acceptance and embrace your differences, your respect and admiration for each other will grow even greater.
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