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anonymous
writes: My 47 year old boyfriend (I'm 48) is having cyber sex with 18 year olds. He and I recently just began living together about 6 weeks ago. He says it means nothing to him but could give no plausible answer as to why he's doing it. I told him someone who wants to give up time with me to spend sexual, intimate time with another being, be it on the computer, is someone who would consider having an affair in real life if the circumstances were right. He says I am over-reacting. We have had an excellent sex life in which I thought there was much love and respect. My trust in my him is destroyed. To be online indulging in cybersex and saying it's not cheating, I feel he's simply rationalizing his bad behavior and his disrespect for me and our love relationship. I am feeling hurt, betrayed and very used. The relationship is very shaky right now but I need a sensible opinion...am I over-reacting to what he says "is a thing all guys do".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): I have the same problem. Only I am married to the guy that is having cybersex with young women. We have been married for over 20 years and I have kept myself as attracive as possible but cannot compete with youth. I have tried to talk to him after catching him in the act but it has not stopped and ithas been going on for at least 5 years if not longer. Once these guys are hooked they are like drug addicts and if they donnot seek professional help it just goes on. I have just learned to live without sex because I feel hopeless and I am older and what man would want me although all his friends think I am very attractive.
So please find someone else or you will be as miserable as I am one day. I think we both deserve better
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reader, becky05 +, writes (2 July 2005):
LEAVE HIM NOW!!! he is totally disrespecting you and making a fool out of you and your relationship, he sounds like a seedy creep that needs a reality check.
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reader, tender_angel86 +, writes (23 June 2005):
Just be careful, I am 19 myself and a while ago had a reltionship with a married man, he was 45, lied to me about his age. We started off talking on the net, JUST talking, nothing sexual..as time went by we enjoyed our converstaions more and more. There comes a time when you are online where you have said everything that can be said, done everything that can be done, and your curosity gets the better of you. We meet. Few months later kissed. Months after that were sexually involved. few weeks after that slept together. Older men have a fasination with younger girls however rarely is it the other way around. Be careful becuase if it is two way, and one of these girls wants to meet him he may not resist. On a positive note, most girls under the age of 20 are not attracted to older men. This was not advice as such, just my story, hope it helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2005): GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!!! He is totally disrespecting you and it will be a massive battle - and your feelings will be hurt time and time and time again. It isn't worth it. GET OUT!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2005): I also agree with most of these answers except for AnotherVoice's comment asking and I quote "Why is he doing this? Does he have cybersex in "lieu" of having of doing other activities with you?" This lady clearly stated they had an excellent sex life. It sounds like AnotherVoice is insinuating that his cybersex activities with teen girls, is this lady's fault?! Give me a break. Is this lady solely responsible for keeping him happy, sexually. Aren't relationships a 50-50 equal deal here? This man is obviously a perverted ass! He like young teen girls! Girls young enough to be his daughter. If he's not satisfied in his relationship with this lady..then he should be a decent man and come clean with his feelings, and let her know. That way she and him can either seek counseling or he can leave...allowing her the opportunity to find a man who would really appreciate and love her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2005): Dump him-he is a perv who wants to get his jollies off with teen girls. And remember..these girls are only saying they are 18.(they could be younger-no one knows) He's treading in dangerous territory and so are his cyber sex partners. Kick him to the curb... stay strong and keep your faith and self respect intact...get out there and live your life without scum like him. Take this experience and learn from it. That is what life is all about. You deserve much better. Take care
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reader, AnotherVoice +, writes (22 June 2005):
I agree with most of what people have written previously. There are just a couple of things I will add.One is that you definitely need to have a serious talk with him about this. Why does he do this? How long has this been going on? Does he feel like he's missing something in your current relationship? Does he have "cybersex" in lieu of doing other activities with you?? After you completely get his side (or at least what you can get), I would then tell him how you feel, and that you want him to stop. Most people, males or females, who are satisfied with their relationships do not normally seek such external relationships, whether it is cybersex, phone sex, or real-world sex.Secondly, I would be concerned with the so-called age of the females. Are you sure they are 18? It's so borderline, that I would be worried that he might be talking to girls that are much younger than he is indicating or that they are reporting to him. Anyway, this is probably a moot point as it relates to the current welfare of your own relationship, but it might be a concern for him if he isn't careful with whom he talks to...Just Another Voice
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (22 June 2005):
 I whole heartedly agree with the answers here.
You deserve so much more than what your boy-friend is doing. You deserve respect, loyalty and love.
Wendyg's indignation on your behalf is how I feel. He is very much out of order and he doesn't seem to realise how lucky he is to have a loving and caring girl-friend like you.
Bev is right about the finger-pointing. He is only doing this, making you feel as if you are over-reacting so that he doesn't have to feel guilty and so that he can get away with it some more.
I know you are feeling hurt right now but I think the best thing you can do is to ask him to stop doing this otherwise you will leave. You deserve his respect and what he is doing is seedy, underhand; it portrays him in a very dim light and it certainly isn't a guy thing. Self respecting and honourable men do not resort to such a thing.
Approach him and suggest that he stops or the consequences are that the relationship will stop. If he genuinely cares for you, he will put you first.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (22 June 2005):
 Engaging in chat with a girl of any age on the computer that amounts to cybersex, is a NO! why is he doing it ? He cant even tell you! Porn is one thing, but to actually engage in a conversation where sexual references are exchanged is a form of cheating. If he cant see that he is in the wrong, then you will have to force his hand. Tell him that you love him and respect him and all you want in return is the same... if hes not prepared to stop doing this then you will have no other choice but to leave him. How dare he be doing this when he has a perfectly loving girlfriend... some men just dont know what they have until its gone, explain to him how it makes you feel and that you would like for him to stop.. if he cares an ounce for you he will if not its time to find someone that will spend quality time with you and not some girl on the internet talking smut.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 June 2005):
 Ah, I love the creative finger-pointing here... Your boyfriend is acting like a total creep - but YOU'RE overreacting.
Let me be the first cab off the rank to confirm your suspicion that, no, this is not a thing that "all guys do." His having cyber with young girls (and I'd bet serious money that the girls have no idea they're chatting with a guy older than their dads) is disrespectful to you. It's also cheating, plain and simple.
He IS rationalising, probably assuring himself that if there are no actual body parts touching, that it's not disloyal. However, I agree with you; his mind and sexual attention are elsewhere when he does this, and he's choosing his pretend girlfriends (and masturbation, presumably) over real sex with you. By any definition, he's cheating.
I'm sorry to add this burden to your already-shaky relationship, but any sensible person would agree with you.
Maybe you need to consider a "Plan B" on your relationship with this guy.
Take care.
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