A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Right been with my partner for 2 years and basically an old friend of hers from school found her on the dreaded facebook. He is a 17 year old guy from pakistan who is always with his older brother. Now my gf has alot of guys friend and i trust her 100% but I need to know if I am being unfair in letting this annoy me,She has met up with him and his brother twice now always with her other friends not on her own and she is doing the same today however this guy has said he likes her alot and keeps texting kisses general flirting etc my gf made it clear to him that she just wants friends so 100% fair play to her for putting him straightthe problem i have got his he is still persisting to text kisses and say inappropriate things via text like he said i will fight your bf so i can have you, he also said do you want a "ting ting" which my gf says means sex. she tells him to shut up but why carry it on for it is making me so uncomfortable but my gf says i am just being jealous and makes excuses for him like oh it's his brother texting or he is only joking.To me if a friend of mine said I really like you knowing i was with somebody i could not hang around with them again knowing they are only hanging around with you in the hopes they can get somewhere. so am I overreacting? i have told her how uncomfortable it makes me feel but she says i can't tell her what to do. any advice is appreciated, thank you - just to add i am 22 my gf is 19
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 OK my take on this goes two ways... ONE she's trying to get you to end it so she can be with this other guy or TWO... (and what I would mean if I said what she said) is that "yes I find him attractive and IF you were not my partner I would consider him as a playmate... BUT you are my man and I am COMMITTED TO YOU even in the face of other men being attractive and wanting me..."
While I can see how this can and will make you nervous and feel bad, if it was coming from ME it would have the OPPOSITE intention if not action.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies everyone I tried to talk to her and it did not go down well at all, she even admits that if she wasnt with me she probably would mess around with this guy i dont mean sex but kissing etc etc so how can i be happy about him texting her and her seeing him, she even told me that it was just him and her out together nobody else. She gets around that by saying oh he asked about you but to be honest I don't care if he asks about me I find this behaviour disrespectful to me but when i say that to her i am being really nasty to think that. i am at a total loss :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): I agree. I think she likes the fact that you're jealous. However, i really don't think she's interested in this guy at all. I don't think you have anything to worry about.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 1. you can't help it if others make a pass at you.
2. when in a relationship and someone makes a pass at you, you decline and set them straight.
3. you can't persist that what you have with them is a "friendship" when they continue to flirt. If they flirt they are not your friend, no matter how strictly friendly you are with them. In other words: you can't be friends because the other person doesn't act like a friend.
4. you are not over reacting. Your girlfriend needs to put an end to this "friendship" as it is not a friendship. She gave the guy a warning, yet he keeps it up. If the guy can not respect that, and start treating her strictly friendly, then he has no intentions of being her friend. He has intentions to flirt. And a flirt is not a friend.
5. if she continues the "friendship", full knowing it is NOT a friendship, then she is participating in the flirting by allowing the man to continue his pursuit of her. She is encouraging him.
Such encouragement shows a lack of respect for your relationship. But it can be the result of other things than being a prick. I recently answered a woman who had the same problem with her boyfriend accepting flirtatious moves from another girl. It could be they accept this flirting because they a) are too shy to say no to it b) enjoy it too much c) are ignorant to the flirting and don't see it as a problem that someone is "overly friendly", aka, they don't know the difference between friendly and flirty. Or the horrible d) they just don't care about you and want to check what else they could potentially get.
When you talk to your girlfriend about this make sure you do not compare how she should act to how you would act. That isn't fair. People are different, and you can not hold her to the same standard you hold yourself and play cop on her. She is entitled to do as she pleases. However, you should focus on how it makes you feel, and stress the emotional impact this has on you. If she ignores your feelings in this, then maybe she isn't the woman for you. If she cares, she'll respect your feelings. Just be careful to not emotionally blackmail her. Do not say things like "if you love me you will not do this". Instead, say how such actions make you feel, and that she is welcome to do as she pleases, but that her actions does have an impact on you whether you like it or not. You wish it wasn't a problem, but you find that it is indeed a problem for you, and maybe she can respect that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the reply I guess I am jealous and I try my best to keep my thoughts to myself but really struggle sometimes something I know I need to work on but yeah I figured it is flattering just annoys me how she makes it seem innocent when it clearly is not
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 September 2011):
she is getting an ego stroke from this boy.
you being jealous sadly probably also strokes her ego which is sad since Jealousy is not about love but is rooted in insecurity...
she's being straight up with him that she's with you and not interested but to be honest it's very flattering for a woman to have a man be told NO over and over and still come after her....
I am betting if push comes to shove and he oversteps his bounds (stuff beyond texting) she will put him in his place...
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