A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years and although we are both in our careers I feel like things have somewhat changed (or I’m just overanalyzing as I usually do) He’s a police officer and has weird shifts that are constantly changing, and I work at a University and have normal business hours. Although we don’t live together I occasionally sleep over his house, and we ultimately have just become really comfortable with each other (which I’m ok with). I just feel like I still make an effort to put on makeup and look cute for him and every time I see him for the short periods that we do see each other he’s wearing the same thing (yet when he’s out running errands and just happens to stop by my house-he’s dressed like he used to when we first starting dating) I still make it a point to pay attention to things that he mentions: from stuff he wants, to stuff he needs etc. and I remember them, so when I am out and about I pick them up and give them to him on a holiday or just because. I feel his spontaneity of remembering things and quirky gift giving is diminishing. I honestly have never been the type to be materialistic and always expect material things. In the beginning of our relationship he would pick something out whether it was jewelry, or a card, or something small like just because flowers) but through the years I have feel that these things are becoming less important to him because of where we are in our relationship. But what girl (no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship) still has the hope of being surprised with something spontaneous to do or surprised with a little something extra on certain holidays. It seems that for the past 2 years there has been a reoccurrence of this and I honestly just don’t have the heart to tell him that I was kinda hoping for another surprise of some sort but at the same time I don’t know if I’m just becoming complacent and settling. To top all of it off, we have talked about marriage and we both to be on the same page—I had recently gone out with his cousin whom I have become friends with and as the girl talk began, she of course was fishing for insight of what I liked and how I would like to be proposed to and stuff and she even reassured me that my boyfriend has talked to her about marriage and that he’s serious about it. Help, am I just overanalyzing the small stuff, or am I settling since we’ve been together so long? Should I tell him straight out how I feel, and then risk the chance of hurting his feelings?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 February 2012):
Hi there. As it has been 4 years or more, perhaps it has passed the honeymoon "Newness" stage.
It does seem like some complacency has set in for sure.
That is fairly normal though, for any relationship.
It's like wearing a comfy old pair of slippers. Everything fits really well, so no need to change anything.
However, you are already not particularly comfortable with it, are you? So there's probably room for change here.
Perhaps the flowers and chocolates and other little surprises, stopped because he knows he's got you, doesn't he?
It's probably pretty predictable, that whenever he does come to see you, you are there at home more or less waiting for him.
So he's expecting you to be there - and you are! No surprises there.
It would make you more interesting if you are sometimes NOT at home when he drops by unexpectedly.
And perhaps it is that you are expecting him, so you make sure you ARE home when he calls in.
So in a way, you are not keeping him on his toes at all either. You are not providing him with any surprises.
It is a two-way street.
It's not just up to him to provide all the surprises, you can surprise him also, you know.
And when I say to surprise him by not being there, it makes you a bit more mysterious and shows him you do have your own social life and aren't simply sitting around waiting for him to phone you or waiting for him to drop by.
The surprise by you then, is that you are slightly unpredictable and you aren't just home all the time. You actually DO see your friends on a regular basis and go out with them on a fairly regular basis.
You see, he knows he already has you, so there is no challenge for him to woo you and chase you anymore. So consequently, he no longer has to make the kind of effort he needed to in the early days of your relationship, like he used to do.
So unintentionally, he has taken the situation for granted, that it will always be there and won't change.
In fact, you have in a manner of speaking already become his wife and are acting like a wife does. So most of the fun has gone out of it now - for both of you.
And it happens, without even realizing it.
It happens unconsciously, once you both know where it's going, so it becomes like a done deal.
Hence, the comfy old slippers and a pattern is formed.
Don't feel that because you know you and him will eventually walk down the aisle together and get married, that you have to stay home and wait for him after you come home from work each night.
It's not like you are going to go out and see your friends every single night, just maybe once or twice a week, that's all. Otherwise, you'd be too tired for work the next day.
Just because you are in relationship, does not mean your own social life and circle of friends needs to stop. It's all the more reason to continue with your old life before you met him.
And it's the same exactly, for him also.
Perhaps once you and him became a steady couple, you stopped seeing your friends and going out with them, which might have been the very beginning of where you are now.
Maybe your relationship with him, is your only social life now, in which case you could be missing out on a lot in your life generally.
Couples really do need their own friends as well as friends of you as a couple.
It's really important.
It puts the rest of your life back into balance.
Also, if you don't do this already, perhaps you could consider taking up some hobbies that would take you out of the house and make some new friends, so you have a good mix of a fun activity and meet new people at the same time.
And when I say hobbies, I mean just for the purpose of doing something outside of your relationship. Something entirely unrelated.
Not to look for someone else, no.
That's what adds interest to your life, which then flows into your relationship.
It also makes you more interesting. Like adding another dimension to your personality.
So you could decide what you would like to do - something creative perhaps - make a couple of phone calls to organisations in your local area, then just go along and do it.
Then one night he drops by to say hello, and you are not there at all. This is precisely the type of thing that will add a lot of interest to your relationship, just by the surprise of you not being there.
And not to mention the unpredictability of it.
He won't leave you, but he will wonder where you are.
It's the "Not Knowing" that is what keeps men on their toes.
And there's no getting around it, men DO LOVE a challenge.
At the moment, you are not a challenge at all. So he doesn't even have to try.
When he starts to be challenged a bit, then the first thing he could think is - "Wow! I might be losing her." Or, "This is interesting."
It just keeps him on his toes a little, so you will then find that the complacency starts to fade away, bit by bit.
It won't be a threat to the relationship, just a really good catalyst for some positive change to happen.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): Hi
Marrage is a give and take proposition If you feel that you want small things and are overanizing this. How would you feel if married and the same thing happened,this would probably cause your first fight, Tell him how you feel sometimes men don't think about small things but us women do It doesn't get better when married you have been going together for a long time. Maybe he has lost the romance Why arn't you getting married soon you both have jobs you stay with him two can live cheaper than one I would probably be asking some questions and getting answere better to get hurt now then after married,
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