A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hey. I just wanted other people's opinions please. There's this guy I used to go out with a while ago. He says he has always loved me ever since. Now he hears I am single again and immediately he phones up to see if I want to go travelling with him. But not only is it completely impractical (I have no money!) but I can also tell that what he means is sleep with him again. The last time I was single he tried the same thing too. And instantly expected us to have sex, as if we had never stopped going out. The thing is, we did have a beautiful love life but it took time for me to trust and desire him and it would again. I have told him this but he refuses to see it. I feel really bad, because part of me just wants to say yes, and get on with things, but part of me feels really stubborn about this, as if he is attacking me and I need to be defensive. It feels like not saying "yes" is really stupid though, as he says he loves me so much, and he is a faithful and honorable kind of person, and we did have a wonderful time together. Is this really stupid. Am I cutting my nose off to spite my face?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Hey original poster again. Dear "bitter blue" you have made me feel the most normal and sane I have done for months with this going on. And without bitterness, or blue-ness. Thank you SO much. Love to Romania!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Thank you for reposting, your update is elucidating in more than one regard. Firstly, that he instantly expects you to have sex after a break without proceeding to REbuild the emotional bonds can indeed pass as controlling. Please analyse how you WERE before meeting him and the changes he created in you, as NOW you are rather straying and hesitant in your narration. Reread your posts and observe the contradictions. "I feel really bad, because part of me just wants to say yes, but part of me feels really stubborn about this, as if he is attacking me and I need to be defensive." - Controlling behaviour in a relationship is likely to achieve precisely THAT: conflict within oneself. Apparently you had a compromise-relationship (your availability in exchange for activities he introduced you to that created the illusion of happiness.) Secondly, I wouldn't recommend to (re)enter a relationship without finding that happiness, and certainty, within yourself. Now you feel as though you can't desist from retying the strings because the relationship has made you dependant, only it is not a healthy connection, this is why at the same time you are vacillant. You must also be aware that such problems as controlling behaviour very rarely have a positive, hidden outcome. Contrariwise and most often controlling treatments create inestimable damage to the person that endures them without objection. How he tries to convince you that you need him ("you are trapped in circles") is hardly ever acceptable. Controlling issues can to be fought against by understanding the deeper feelings of the other person, to see if they derive from a reprovable ambition "to conquer" or have deeper roots in the person's past experiences, becoming a projection of their own insecurities. Please establish what this situation can gain you except for travels, of course, and temporary happiness. A better understanding of ourselves and the others' always makes us feel stronger, therefore begin with understanding yourself, your needs, your limits and your... right and power to object.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): What you recount of the past (though very briefly) suggests that he may expect you to be at his beckon call and this fairly awakens your vigilancy regarding his intentions or a fortunate continuance. I wouldn't say it is insensate a decision not to accompany him (at least on this occasion), especially given the fact it's impractical due to the financial issues. You fear he will not wait for you until he returns from this journey, but a good-natured and hospitable approach will "tell" him to seek other favourable opportunities. ""Isn't love patient?"" After all, that he "has loved you ever since" are significant words. Yes, you may question them if until now he has proved you otherwise. Now, intentionally or not, the past connection with him has done you harm, to which being defensive is your NATURAL reaction! You must decide if you wish to have him in vicinity now: accordingly, you can react warmly to his invitation, EVEN if you decide to decline it. I should add that pride indeed is an unnecessary ingredient in relationships - but this is not a matter that evidences it. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Hey, this is the original poster. Thank you, both. Lazy Guy one reason we split up because he was really quite controlling (downloading my computer files, looking down at my friends), except that the directions he steered me into instead were fun (he is a traveller and film maker) It is very confusing. I get the feeling he is always right, but I know that can't be. Also I used to feel very happy and at peace mainly when I was with him. I think I am just making the wrong choices all the time when I don;t chose him, but that is what he keeps telling me, also he keeps telling me I am trapped in circles (because I wont go out with him) and it scares me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): You do right to be wary. But he cannot expect to just get back in touch with you whenever you are single and expect the sex to just restart. You have to build up that trust and love thing before the sex takes places. But i know how you must feel but only you can decide that this is what you want to do. I personally wouldnt be so free to give in to him, i would make him work for it. Let him do a bit of running after you first and then give in, if you want. If not, then walk away and keep right away and dont have him back in your life. Meet someone else and move on. But only you can decide.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 March 2008):
 What is missing from your story? You dated this guy who apparently is perfect then ..... and now you are single again?
Why did you break up before, why do you need to develop trust for him again?
Is this a "when Harry met Sally" thing or what?
If there were reasons for the breakup they might well give you reason to want to take it slow a second time around. Without knowing why you two were seperated, it is impossible to say wether you are just being stubborn.
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