A
male
age
36-40,
*ustaGuy
writes:Hey Cupids. Perhaps you can help me.My ex and I started dating last may/june.She was always on/off with me, some nights telling me she never wants to let me go, others giving me the cold shoulder. This resulted in her breaking up with me a few times, not speaking for a few weeks and then us finding ourselfs back together. The last breakup was in October, its was a little messy to say the least. She intiated the breakup and said some hurtfull things, although bottom line I didnt feel appreciated, I felt as though I was an emotional convinience when she felt low rather than a boyfriend, so we went our ways again.That was October, New Years she sent me a message apologising and asking for another chance, I ignored it, I'd heard it all before.We spoke briefly about 1 month ago and she hinted at 'forgetting the past'. About a week later she then told me she was "over me for the moment" ??????? So we hav'nt properly talked since October apart from the single emails above. I know she never really treated me how I wanted but I still miss her. I dont want to be the one to initiate contact again, I feel if she wants me back this time she has to be the one to make the move, although she is very stubborn and I get the feeling we may both be thinking the same.Why am I not over her? Maybe I miss the intimacy of a relatioship rather than this actuall girl? These past few weeks I've missed her more even though I ignored a chance at gettin together earlier in the year, maybe my heart is giving a last ditch effort?Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks again. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (30 March 2008):
 Hey there,
Yes, people can be friends. However unless there was some really bad blood during the break up, yes, you will be attracted to those things which endeared her to you. It's not all bad and I know you're thinking you couldn't handle it but it really depends on where you're at in your life. For instance if you are in a happy relationship you'll be able to say hello and maybe catch up. You wont want to get back with her. I think it's hard to maintain more than a very casual relationship because the feelings do get in the way if you get too close. Now is not the time to open that door though. You have some healing to do.
I want to tell you that there is a whole new world out there. I am going on a first date with someone I barely know on Friday so if I can do it, you can do it. Dust yourself off and get back out there. You will find it's not so hard.
Take care!
A
male
reader, JustaGuy +, writes (30 March 2008):
JustaGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice all.
dearkelja, I would agree its easier for me to fall back to her again rather than seek out someone else, and I would question her motives if she made contact again.
rhythmandblues2, I think she was afriad of it gettin to serious at times, but again other times she was 'all she wanted' :S. To the open dating advice, theres no way I could do that, I could'nt go from a relationship to one where she might be seeing other guys on the side, thanks for trying though :)
Anonymous and Miss C, I can admit I am scared to let go completely and somtimes find myself conjuring ways to make contact. Although I put up with a lot of rubbish we had out happy times, its these I hold onto.
Do people ever remain friends after break-ups?
It saddens me to think I may not speak to her again for some time, not at least until I can truthfully say i've let go. Will this ever even happen, If someone takes a place in your heart do they ever totally leave? If I bumped into her 5 years down the line the things that attracted me to her would still be there, her smile, her looks etc. If this is the case then I may end up never speaking to her for fear of wanting her back again.
Ah well, tricky things these girls...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): I've been in a similar situation.. although she cheated on me alot, i still loved her. i'd get the pity story etc, and we get bk together... anyways. it was all just bullshit. breaking up with her and staying broken up with her is the best thing i ever did. i only stayed with her because i was kind of like you, wanting to stay in a relationship. I'd go for a fresh start man, your under 25, you still got time. sometimes its better to start with a clean slate, no baggage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): I think it is really hard to say whether or not you are missing this particular girl or just the intimacy of a relationship. In my experience, it is usually the person you are missing AND the relationship that you HAD.
You both are young, and it would not be uncommon for her or for you to have issues with commitment and staying power in a relationship. Obviously she is running hot and cold, and I guess you might ask yourself or her what the reason for this is. Perhaps she is afraid of getting too serious, perhaps she is afraid this is the wrong relationship for her or you are the wrong guy. Doesn't always mean that any of that is the case, it is her fears talking to her heart and she is giving in to those rather than taking the risk at love.
It is not your fault, you just hooked up or fell for a girl who doesn't really know herself or knows what she wants. Only you can decide if you are willing to stick with it to see if she will suddenly find herself or you.
If you are looking for stability in a relationship, this is probably the wrong one for you. If you like this girl and want to continue seeing her knowing that she can't commit, then go in with that with open eyes and behave accordingly. There is nothing wrong with having a relationship that is open to dating other people, maybe that is what she wants, ask her....and if you can handle that then go ahead and date her and date other women at the same time....dating is supposed to be fun, however, if she strings you along, sends you mixed messages all of the time and plays with your heart strings, then that is not healthy for you, but if you can treat each other with respect, honesty and friendship, then that would be much better for both of you.
Take care and good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (29 March 2008):
I don't know why you are feeling like you want to get back with this girl. She hasn't been giving you what you need and should have in a relationship. I think you are missing what you can not have. Even if you get back together with her she will likely put you through the roller coaster of emotions and you'll most likely land where you are at.
The thing I would question is her motivation for wanting to get back with you. Why does she feel the need to play with your emotions? Are you convenient for her? I think you should try to figure out why you would want to put up with her toying with you.
The best thing for you would be to find a new relationship and start out fresh. Evaluate what went wrong in the old relationship and why your needs weren't being met. Be a stronger support for what you need and don't let a relationship meander down the same path. Your partner will respect you for knowing what you want and in trying to get it.
Sometimes, it's easier to fall back on what we know rather than to start out with a new relationship where we aren't comfortable with the new person. But that takes time and effort. You're too young to settle for someone who doesn't seem to respect your needs and someone who is hot and cold where your emotions are concerned.
Go for the gold buddy, you deserve it.
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