A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I hope someone can offer me some advice, I'll try to keep this short.I met this woman on a dating site 18 months ago, we hit it off very well, talked or messaged on kik, she has three children by the way. Anyway she has had some emotional problems from the past with her ex (father of her three children) and ex's before that, she was physically abused by one of her ex's and his friends, I have no reason to doubt what she has told me, she is so beautiful and intelligent as is starting her own business, however, I myself are going through problems at home.A year this March my mum found out she has a brain tumour, she's still in hospital with no hope of any recovery, so it's been very stressful, I've been off work as I'm on anti-depressant tablets to help keeping me calm.Thing is with my girlfriend, because of what she has been through we've been taking baby steps, on her terms of course which I agreed also, and so we haven't met yet, she wants to but she's scared that she'll never get over what happened to her in the past.The father of her children doesn't care, when they were together he'd throw things at her, call her fat and ugly which she is Not, she's ever so beautiful inside and out, but she has no confidence when it comes to men no matter what I say, she does want a future with me as she has mentioned marriage and having more children with me and building a life together, I just care so much for her that I wish I could take away her pain.Last Saturday evening I messaged her and talked about my mum, and that she won't ever see me with children and things like that, my girlfriend didn't know what to say, she had read them but no reply, so stupidly I said "thanks for the chat", well that caused an argument which she said after I apologised for, that she needed some space and time to think, She didn't say that she'd message me, am I looking to lose her? or is it because she needs to fight those demons that has been holding her back?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 February 2016):
 I'm sorry about your mom.
I think it's a shame that she put herself on a dating site if she CLEARLY isn't ready to date. 18 months and never met in person? That to me is pretty iffy. If she needs to work on her past experiences, she needs to DO that. Not string you along.
Will you lose her because ONE time you needed some support and she didn't give it to you, you got upset? If so... She isn't the one for you.
I would focus on being there for your mom and let this woman figure out a way to deal with her past as she sees fit. YOU CAN NOT and I will repeat that... YOU CAN NOT fix her past for her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2016): I have a friend who's in a very similar situation to your girlfriend. The mindset for my friend is that years of being told how ugly she is, she believes it. She was told repeatedly that no one will ever love her etc. and eventually it started to stick.
She's currently texting/messaging someone I know who's really keen to meet up with her, but for my friend it brings out so much anxiety, she can't bring herself to do it, even though she is stunning!
My advice to you is what I tell my friend...go to councelling!! Anyone that has experienced abuse in anyway should go, because it helps! I'm unsure how you'd suggest this to your girlfriend, but she needs help to let go of her past and realise that not all men are like her ex's. I hope this helped and good luck!
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