A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently married to a Canadian woman who has a 14 year old son from a previous relationship who lives with his father in Canada. I have 3 children from a previous marriage who are 16, 15 and 12 who live with my ex wife. We have been married for nearly 5 years and in all that time we have lived in the UK as she made the choice to move here and leave her son behind. It was the first time she had been to the UK when she moved over and from the outset there were many things that she found different to her home in Canada. Principally the cost of housing and the fact that we would never be able to afford to buy in the UK. But wanting to give life a go here she has stayed and we have had a good life together. One thing that hit her hard while being here was that her mum died of cancer and she couldn't do anything to help. Also missing her son with only seeing him for a couple of weeks each year. She has a good job that she really enjoys but now this is not enough. She wants to return to Canada permanently to buy property and settle down there. She wants me to go with her and start a life there. The problem is that if it wasn't for my kids I wouldn't hesitate in moving with her now. If the kids were grown up I would go also but because my youngest is still young I don't feel I can go yet. Even though she did this to come here and be with me I feel that I owe her 4 years over there. But is that enough to be away from my children. I haven't discussed this with her fully as she has made the decision to go and I understand why she wants to go even though we are very much in love she would go and wait for me there while I stay here until I am ready to move but I don't think she understands that this could be 6 years. I am so confused as to what to do as I want to be with my wife but don't want to leave the kids. Am I justified in saying I need to stay for the kids or because of her sacrifice to come here for me should I do the same for her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): i dont feel u OWE anything. You should only move if you want to. If the marriage is at stake then yes Id move. Your kids are alot older and they can visit you as well as you visiting them.
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (29 July 2008):
 As a mum I couldnt leave my kids behind but I will try to answer objectively so dont take offense!!
She was prepared to move for you and gave it a good long go so I can understand why she now expects you to do the same for her. I dont think you should do it because you feel you 'owe it to her'. It has to be because you love her and want to be with her. She made much more of a sacrifice as she left her son with his father. Your kids already live with their mum so its not like you are abdandoning them.
I think ultimately only you can make the decision. Why not try it for a year and see what happens. Your kids can always visit and may even want to settle over there when they are older. At 12, 15 and 16 they are more grown up than you think x
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 You were fine with her leaving her 8-9 year old to live with you. Her child was just a little thing and still needed his mum.
Why is it ok for her to leave her small child but not for you to leave your much older ones?
An 8-9 year old doesn't understand why their mommy left. They just feel abandoned which he was.
The way I see it, you aren't playing fair here.
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