A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating now for 3 years, its always been really hard for us because I’m dealing with depression and anxiety which I am seeking professional help for. My boyfriend cheated on me 2 months ago with a prostitute after getting drunk at a pub, which he did on his own will as he was out of town by himself. He immediately confessed to me what he did (he told me he didn’t go all the way because of how nervous and disgusted he felt with what he was doing) and told me he realised that he stuffed up massively and needed me in his life. I just cant believe how he could so easily throw away everything that we had?I know he never had sex with that prostitute in the first place, but if he had enough confidence to walk in there and know what was going to happen, how do I know he won't walk up to some woman he sees and have sex?I now get nervous whenever he wants to see his friends or go to the pub, because I feel like he will cheat again or find another woman. I’m scared to get hurt and the worst part is I feel like I’ve got him on a leash. I get angry at myself because of how anxious I am and it feels impossible for me to let him hang around with another girl ever again and be okay with it. He has always been there to help get me through my mental issues, but I cant help but feel like he might start looking for another girl who isn’t always so jealous and worried. I hate talking to him about this because we get into fights and he just thinks I’m paranoid and I always seemed to be the one apologising for how hurt I feel. I just cant help but second guess EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth, I want to be with him, but I feel like I’m driving him away because of how upset I get when he wants to see friends or go out. I don’t want to be this bossy girlfriend, but he never seems to understand that what he did made me massively frightened.Theres a big trust issue here but apart from that,How can I tell that he really wants to stick around and that he really meant what he said about needing me in his life? And will my anxiety drive him elsewhere? I just need to know if I’m wasting my time with him, or if he wants to be with me, he never seemed the type of guy to do what he did, now I just feel like anything is possible with him.
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cheated on me, confidence, drunk, jealous, prostitute Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This may not be what you want to hear and I maybe completely wrong, but it seems to me he is remourseful about what he did. Otherwise, what guy in his right mind is going to confess to his GF that he saw a prostitute and was glad he did??? Men do many, many stupid things when they are drunk (believe me I know) and it seems that's what happened with your guy.
I was in a similar situation of questioning my gf's love and suffering from insecurity issues. It was easy to always feel that she would walk away rather than deal with my problems. But she stuck through with me for all my faults until I realized how much she really cared for me.
Your guy made a mistake, there's no denying that. But if he didn't want to be with you, I doubt he'd still be there after three years.
best
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 Sorry, I didn't get a notification that you'd followed up. I go back from time to time and see if there are these hidden follow ups.
Okay, I can only guess that he has his own issues. Maybe he's reacting against monogamy and is going about it in a very clumsy and hurtful way.
Do you have a therapist? I think you have listed several things that could use work in you and it might be a good idea. Working toward health with guidance is a whole lot easier than floundering around with no forward motion.
As far as trusting him right now, he's not actually helping you, is he? It's almost like he is sabotaging the relationship, either consciously or subconsciously.
I really think you should see someone and have an assessment. I have a new website that I'm trying out and it might help you identify the areas that need work, tell you where your thinking is 'warpy'. The results might convince you that it's time to ask for professional help.
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
Alternatively, you could both go see a couples counselor. You have nothing to lose, right?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Thanks for the advice, do you think he is trying to find a way out of this relationship with me?
Im totally confused on why he cheated because he never really gave an answer except that he was "confused and scared" that he would never talk to another girl.
Its a whole load of BS, but sometimes i feel like he wants me and then theres other times where i feel like he wants someone new and i freak out. He tells me im the only one, but i never feel like it anymore. i just feel insecure,ugly and self conscience. I dont wanna leave him but i have no idea how to fix things and how i can be more comfortable with letting him do his own things.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 July 2010):
He's certainly doing everything possible to drive you away. Trying to hire a prostitute and then actually TELLING you about that??? Oh, my god. Then he can't comprehend how that might make you mistrust him???? Are you serious? This is some very bad passive-aggressive stuff going on here. He's basically indicated by his behavior that he's out looking for a hookup and is willing to pay for it. What's so hard for him to comprehend might upset you?
It sounds as though you two aren't really good for each other. He seems kind of toxic right now, for you. Maybe he can't really handle the anxiety issues and subconsciously is trying to sabotage the relationship.
I think maybe you should take a break from dating him--if you take control of the relationship and hit the 'pause' button while you work on your issues, you might feel a lot stronger. Being in control gives you the power over your own life. Perhaps as part of your work on yourself, you can try to figure out why you chose this guy, maybe you are subconsciously reinforcing the notion that you can't do any better?
What did your therapist say when you told him/her about this incident?
Anyway, I think I would take a time-out from the relationship and focus on my own issues, and not keep a guy around that feeds every single insecurity that actually requires professional help.
Good luck.
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