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female
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anonymous
writes: I've got a bit of a connundrum for you all. I'm going out with a wonderful man, though he's a dozen years older than me. He's extremely sweet. My mother doesn't approve of the age gap, of course, and though my friends haven't said anything, I can't help but think they wouldn't, either. At first it seemed a bit strange to me as well, but I'd gotten over that.Now, however, eight months into the relationship, I feel like I'm settling for what's available at the moment. Maybe it's that the pressure from my family and the unspoken pressure from my friends is getting to me. Maybe it's that speaking to other guys, I realized something he lacks, something I guess would best be termed "spice". He's a very mellow guy, both in that he doesn't like big parties and that he doesn't fight or argue very much. I'm not a party-goer, but I do argue, sometimes just for the fun of it (now, my "fun" arguments do take on a different flavor than my real arguments, but they're still arguments). This is especially true of a mutual friend of ours; talking to him is at times like a battle of wills, but great fun.The thing is, though he's a very nice guy, extremely sweet and caring, I'd like to feel that he's not quite SO laid back (and I know better than to ask him to change himself for me; that's a sure-fire recipe for disaster from the start). And there's the nagging feeling that I'm settling for him instead of looking for someone who's closer to my ideal guy. I can't shake the feeling that this relationship's a little wierd or something.Am I just being stupid, perhaps letting my hormones think for me? Would I be throwing away something great were I to break up with him (I know I would, but the question is if I would be throwing it away without a good reason)? If I were to break up with him, how would be the easiest, nicest way to do it? I'm not well-versed in either the arts of tact or breakup lines/speeches, since I'm by nature a blunt person and in past relationships I've always been the one dumped instead of dumping. I just feel very confused right now, and any advice would be apreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2006): let it go, babe.
first, your family is generally right about these sorts of things. mothers are perceptive; it's wise to take their advice.
second, you sound a bit tepid about this guy. the fact that you wonder whether you're 'settling' means that you probably are. for years, i used to ask people how they knew when the person they were seeing was the right person - how did they know when they'd found someone they could spend their life with. and all the married people i asked always said the same thing - You ... Just ... Know. it didn't matter at what age they'd married - it was always the same.
i was dating a wonderful guy who loved me dearly, and who i loved very much also. i thought what they were saying was a total crock; i was afraid if i let go of this guy out of curiousity about what else was out there, i'd realize the grass is always greener on the other side just a little too late.
fortunately for me, i did it anyway, in spite of the fear. and eventually, i found someone i love more than i knew was possible, and all of a sudden, the idea that You Just Know makes perfect sense to me. i no longer care about the grass on the other side of the fence. everyone deserves to feel that way.
A
female
reader, jessy66 +, writes (14 January 2006):
I was a little concerned that though out your question e-mail no word was spoken of i love this guy!! that is the question i feel you need to answer in your heart of heart could you truely imagine your life with him or without him??
good luck hunny xx
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (14 January 2006):
 It seems to me that there are allot of things going on here. Is the lack of spice just sexual or does it run deeper? It seems to me that you like to be challenged a little; you don't want somebody who will just accept everything you say You say the age gap is a dozen years but dont specify ages. At a pinch you sound 18-20 which would make your guy somewhere in the early 30s?
I am wondering if the relationship is stable and secure and that is why it feels a 'little weird'? In the length of the relationship is this one of your longer ones? There is nothing wrong with being blunt. Blunt people are usually the most honest and personally i respect that. Are you seeking someone as blunt as yourself?
The thing is that while people intially for people they have lots in common, the key to long term success of a relationship is how well your traits complement each other. I would say you need to think long and hard about what you actually want from a relationship. Write it down if it helps. This is often a good way to concretise thoughts. Right down the pros and the cons of your current relationship and decide how they balance out.
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