A
male
age
,
*ldbob
writes:I am terribly attracted to this woman that I have working for me and have asked her out but she refuses to consider it. I own a very small construction company and she is my only employee. She's worked for me for a little over a year and in this time, we have spent a great deal of close time together. We've had lunch together many times and over the past year the conversation, which used to be solely about work related stuff, has turned to strictly personal topics.We have many of the same values. She's honest, a Mom, very kind hearted, just a very decent person. In fact, its in this time that I've gotten to know her that I've become interested in her. Sure, I noticed when I hired her that she was an attractive woman, but it wasn't until I really starting getting to know her that I began to develop this crush on her.OK, a little more background - her ex (boyfriend not husband) introduced us. He's also the father of her child. While she interacts with him in this regard, he had cheated on her a number of times and she finally said to him enough was enough. Or so I've been told and she's not given me any reason to doubt her.Me, I'm married but have recently separated from my wife. Our split was not predicated on this new "relationship". Its a split for good, and my wife and I agree on this. We will be starting the divorce after the holidays, but we are on very friendly terms, thankfully. We have a 16 yo son.This woman and I have so many of the same values: we're both as honest as can be, adore children and are family oriented, are compassionate towards others. I think she's absolutely adorable and I really want to explore this fledgling relationship to see if there is enough there to make it a deeper and more meaningful one. I feel there is certainly enough of a basis there upon which to build a beautiful relationship together.I'm patient and willing to go very slowly. While I am very attracted to her, I'm not looking to hustle her into bed. If that is to happen, I want it to develop slowly, deliberately and let the passion grow between us. If this relationship can be real, I want it to develop properly with respect, care, love and compassion between us.Am I just out of my mind here? Am I just kidding myself? The first time I asked her out, she agreed if she could get a sitter. 2 days went by and she obviously re thought the question because we didn't go out and the answer has been no ever since.Any advice or insight will be greatly appreciated.Bob
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): I can see you are a considerate, thoughtful man. Any woman would be lucky to have you. I truly wish you all the best in life! Don't give up on this woman. Just continue to be the kind and caring man you've been to her. Continue to treat her just as you have, and give her more time. I love what you quoted from "The Fisher King." It was a great movie! Good Luck and God Bless!
I will be waiting to hear the outcome...And I am routing for you all the way! I love a good lovestory!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Well, I hope I'm wrong. About a month ago, a woman poured out her heart on this site and the story sounded very similar. It was heart breaking when she talked about her husband bringing up the other womans name at home, or he would leave to get gas and not come back, then caught him emailing to her. I actually gave her advice to leave and give her life a 2nd chance at love with someone else. But there's always 2 sides to a story.
I apologize if I'm mistaken.
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A
male
reader, oldbob +, writes (22 November 2008):
oldbob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thanks to everyone for their time.
Let's see, her job is solid with me regardless. Truthfully, I feel a responsibility to her and her daughter and will do everything I can to keep her employed. If she's out of a job it means I'm out of business. I met her daughter once when she brought her to work one day (unannounced) and we all went to lunch together, where I pretty much spent the whole time interacting and playing with her daughter. She's a lovely child.
Teacake, we've spent just about every lunch time together yakking for the past year. We've gone out to lunch at least twice a week over that same period. I'm not basing my feelings on a couple of chance conversations. We've had some very in depth discussions of some very weighty subjects. Many hundreds of hours spent in very close proximity talking about life, family love and of course work.
As for the respondent regarding my marriage, let me put it this way - it took my wife 16 years to drive me out my marriage (we are separated and I'll be initiating divorce proceedings after the holidays are past.). She payed me no respect from the time our son was born to now. She spent 16 years teaching my boy that he didn't need to listen to a thing I said. That's a relationship I hope and pray that I can salvage because I love my boy very very much. It saddened me a lot to leave. And, in 28 years of being together with his Mom, I never once cheated on her. I think yo spoke out of turn on a relationship of which you knew nothing.
As to my character, I'm the guy that when the clerk at the store gives me too much change, I give it back. My integrity is everything to me. I gave the house to my ex so that she and my son could stay in the home they've had for the past 12 years. I pay all of her bills and give her money to boot because she doesn't have a job. I've asked her to find one but am not and will not hound her on it. Why, because I did make the promise to take care of her, way back when. No, I'll match my the integrity of my character against anyone's at any time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): If I was this woman, I wouldn't want a relationship because it shows your character is...how should I say... disappointing. Because of your wife. I would feel very insecure if you were romancing me while your wife is at home.I hope you haven't thrown away a good marriage, only to have multiple shallow relationships. It's a very lonely life.
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female
reader, Teacake +, writes (21 November 2008):
 As a woman who has been in situations where a man was more interested in me and I didn't share the interest, it made me very very very uncomfortable to be around these men.
It doesn't sound like she is burning for desire for you.
--have asked her out but she refuses to consider it---
Men can be very persistent when they are interested in a particular woman and when she is not on the same page, you will run her off and force her to look for another job. She has a child to support and the child comes first. She might not be ready to date anyone for a very long time. This sounds like a situation ripe for you becoming obsessive and not taking no for an answer and making her very uncomfortable.
You might be loosing an employee sooner than later.
I can't tell you how many times I've had just one or two conversations with men who in their own mind decided it meant I was interested to date them. People love to convince themselves that the object of their desires are more interested in them than they are.
This is also normal on your end since you are about to be single and are probably seeking a way to not go though this alone. This is always going to be a problem if all you have is one employee, and the one employee is an attractive female.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): If I was in her shoes, having had instability and hurt in the past I would be wanting to make sure that I had control and protection. This woman wants to keep her job. I would be worried that if a relationship with you went wrong then so would my job - then I'd have nothing. Maybe you're too much risk for her?
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male
reader, oldbob +, writes (21 November 2008):
oldbob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I appreciate the time spent helping me out, really. Teacake: I have told her how I feel - she thinks I'm being silly. She said that all woman are the same and she' no different than any other woman. I sent her an email after she said this telling her that she is special and that I was somewhat angered (not the best word) that her past relationships had led her to the point of thinking that she was nothing special. She very much is. But, I must take issue with your assumption that the relationship would get rocky. It might end up being a life long wonderful relationship. It might not, no way to know but to find out.
Anonymous - I agree; as the old saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. By the way, I'm a very young 54 (stop laughing!) and she's 41.
Britt - I have told her how I feel. Here's a paragraph out the email I sent to her last week after she told me that she was no different than any other woman:
"In the end, you may be right. Maybe it's not a relationship that would work out. But how would we know? I don't know if you've seen the movie "The Fisher King"; Robin Williams and Jeff Bridges. Williams is a down and out homeless man, who is an honorable Knight in search of the Holy Grail. Bridges is the damaged but "normal" guy pledged to help him. Williams has crush on a girl but he is too shy to approach her, and Bridges helps him to meet her. After dinner as Williams walks her home, the poor girl, very shy herself, rattles off a very logically thought out and argued position that there is no sense in her and Williams beginning any relationship because, this will happen, followed by that, and on, until the relationship would ultimately crumble from the weight of these missteps and circumstances. Williams replies very passionately that he is so overwhelmingly saddened that his hope for this fledgeling relationship is crushed by the expectations of failure before it even gets a chance "before even the first kiss", as it was so poetically put in the film."
"Truly, one of the things I've learned as I've grown in this life, is that true love, whether as friends or lovers, does not require reciprocation. It remains true regardless. You may truly count me among your friends, if nothing else. Have a nice weekend, name omitted."
I'm just a romantic old fool...
Thanks, people.
Bob
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female
reader, Teacake +, writes (21 November 2008):
You have to know at this point in your life that dating turns to other things and makes things a lot different. You start expecting things from each other.
She probably doesn't want to risk loosing her job!!!!!!!!! Dating would change things completely. And once things got rocky, she would have to quit. This is why dating at the same work place is usually not a good idea. Since you own the business, you will not be the one leaving.
You either have to start meeting other woman to get your mind off of her since she is in our life more than anyone else at the moment and is natural to get this attraction and feelings.
If you can't control it, don't meet other women, you might have to tell her what's going on and see if she can deal with this or if she wants to look for another job. If she finds another job, maybe she might be more inclined to date you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Isn't it just lovely to fall in love all over again, Bob. But maybe because you know her ex, she kinda feels it's inappropriate for her to get into a relationship with you, especially that your divorce isn't final yet.
Give it time and space. Maybe some time out will make her heart miss you and wonder what it will be like giving yourselves a chance..
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Have you ever asked her why she won't go out with you? If not then, do it! If you two are able to talk about personal things, just ask her. Maybe she is just waiting for you to be divorced. Tell her how you feel...just like you told us! You sound like a sensible, considerated, guy and it seems as though she does enjoy spending time with you! Christmas is right around the corner, maybe you could go to your local Hallmark Store and buy her a nice tree ornament with a "friendship" card! Who knows, by New Years Eve, you could possibly have a date!
Good Luck and God Bless
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Hold off for awhile. There are a few good reasons why she is not considering. First of all, it's not a good idea for you to get into a relationship until you have time to get past the divorce. Secondly, she may need time to get over her break up. And finally, you are her employer. She might consider this inappropriate. You also didn't specify how old she is and how old you are.I wouldn't rule it out, but I would definitely put the idea aside for awhile. She may even become more attracted to you if you start to lose interest.
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