A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my name is Daniel. About 10 months ago i started dating this girl, i always knew her since kindergarden i just never talked to her until the very end of highschool. So we spent the whole summer together, litterally almost every day, i lost my virginity to her the day she said she loved me, which isn't there first time someone has told me thag but hearing it from her just sounded right. Despite the good times we shared we planned from the beggining that we would break up before we were both sent to university so things wouldn't be hard, even though she cried for days we ended up not talking for a week. So after a week we started talking again and we began to see eachother constantly, i've always been good at schoolwork so i decided to live with her and manage my courses online. So every couple exhanges stories i suppose and when we first started talking i found out how she lost her virginity, she's extremely close to her family, who are %100 portuguese, meaning half of the family is in Portugal and the rest is in canada, so she visits the family over seas every three years.. So the last time she went was 4 years ago, where she met this guy, one of her many cousin's friends, who she said his name was john. She told me what happend and why it was special to her and everything, all knowing one day soon, possibly this summer she would go back to portugal for a month and see everyone including him.. So this is where things really get messed up, we have been fighting for about 2 weeks because i have trust issues and have been recently getting suspicious that she might be talking to some other guy. After every fight ahe assures me that she is committed to me and me only and she isn't like other girls (my ex before her cheated on me). So after we're all happy and the fighting is over i decide to come back to her place. When i get there she decides to have a shower, and i noticd her phone go off when she leaves, now normally i don't check her phone and noticed it was her couson daniel from portugal texting her. He has pretty good english so i could understand it and they have been talking quite frequently recently so i decided to give a look.... They were talking about love and how he misses her and how cute and smart he thinks she is and how he regrets not saying the "L bomb", and at the end they both say i love you "handsome" or "beautiful" to eachother, which is obviously not cousin-ly at all.. So i freak out and when she comes back i flip on her, i demand answers and she starts crying... She tells me the guy she made up (john) is actually her cousin.. And that she lost her virginity to him the last time she went to portugal... I strongly disagree with sex between cousins but i love her so much i couldn't leave right there.. She uses the excuse that she was seeking attention and when he started talking about the past and how he loves her she couldn't help but say it back in hopes that he will keep showering her in affection and attention... After more talking, she cried and pleased for me not to leave her for a whole 8 hours.. She says she was caught up with the past and she wasn't thinking because she hasn't seen or talked to him for a long period of time since 2 years ago.. And to make matters worse for me abe is leaving for portugal in 3 months... I don't want her to go now because i have no way of knowing what she will be doing or what he will do, she sworn not to talk to him, she deleted his number, facebook, everything she has to communicate with him.. (Which honestly doesn't mean much since you can easily hide a conversation). Even if she does love me what is stopping her from not doing something with him in portugal? I won't see her for a month and anything she does i won't know.. Should i just end it now? Am i just her guy on the side she has not to become sad waiting for the 3 years to pass so she can see her cousin (ew) ? I don't know what to do..
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cheated on me, cousin, facebook, I love you, lost my virginity, period, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 March 2014):
 Yikes! I don't know the laws in Canada, but in the US, it varies from state to state, with only a couple of states having outdated laws about marriage and first cousins, but it's illegal in almost every state. I looked it up, and they are legal in Portugal. I'm with you - yuck!
It's a really good thing that you're not on Game of Thrones and she wasn't pulling a Cersei Lannister on you...that makes me shudder!
She's cheating on you if she's talking like that with him while with you - it's an emotional affair, and very likely that it goes physical when she is there. I would move on if it were me.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (8 March 2014):
 It's possible she is only using you to pass the time.
It's also possible that she is genuinely heartbroken over having hurt you, and will never stray again.
The problem I see is that regardless of what she may or may not do in the future, her actions have (understandably) undermined your trust in her and in the relationship to the point that every moment she spends in Portugal is going to be a hell of unknowns for you. Even if absolutely nothing happens, you'll spend a lot of agonized hours while she's gone wondering what she MIGHT be doing.
The decision before you now is whether it's worth the inevitable pain you will feel in her absence to take that gamble on a girl who has demonstrated past poor judgement when it comes to boundaries.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (8 March 2014):
 You should end it now. She is going to sleep with her cousin again, and they admitted to each other that they still have feelings for each other. Their love is a forbidden kind of love due to the fact that they are close relatives. This makes it more dangerous and more appealing. Your instincts first warned you that something was wrong, then you got solid proof that she is cheating on you and will continue to cheat on you. She's in love with her cousin. He is her first love. They share a special bond. Save yourself further heartache and leave this messed up situation now. Right now, you are a great cover for her covert relationship with her cousin. She is not a good person, and don't trust her crocodile tears. She is using it to manipulate your emotions. Leave before you get sucked in even more. You future self will thank you for making such a bold move.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (7 March 2014):
 "Am i just her guy on the side she has not to become sad waiting for the 3 years to pass so she can see her cousin ?"
At least that's what it seems. Anyway you can't trust her, and never will because what she hid from you was too twisted in the first place. Do you want to live your whole life in doubt and distrust ? I bet you don't because it will waste every bit of happiness you could have. And what if this "so good in english" cousin suddenly decides he could try his chance in Canada (as everybody knows it, the rate of unemployment in Portugal is frightening)...
Sometimes life is like surgery: one has to severe something to prevent the gangrene to reach the heart. It's a very bad moment to go through indeed, but it's the only way to save a life.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 March 2014):
You should end it now and find someone else who will show you the same level of devotion you deserve and show. She only confessed when you caught her. She was going overseas to live another life. And someone like that would be willing to do it again.
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