A
female
age
30-35,
*rigger18
writes:hey, i need a little advice on miscarriages... altho my story is slightly different to the normal. in august this year i found out i was pregnant. it wasnt planned. i live with my boyfriend and his parents and was told if we got pregnant we would have to move out. we understood and took precautions. however the precautions didnt work. me and my partner talked through whether we were ready to look after a baby and after much discussion decided it would be better to terminate the pregnancy. even when i was at the doctors i wasnt sure if it was the right thing to do. im totally against abortion and tryed to get it done before i got any more emotionally attached. during doing some routine checks to see if we were ok i went through some trauma and it caused a miscarriage. before i became pregnant i loved everything to do with babies and children. my maternal instinct is very strong in that nature. but ever since i had the misscarriage its like i lost all my confidence around young children. i feel really horrible and upset. its causing me problems to get the confidence up to see my best friend and her new daughter. im worried that i might reject a hold of her because of these feelings. i feel like ive let myself down by even considering abortion. i know me and my partner arnt ready yet. because of the trauma at the hopsital i feel if i ever get pregnant again that i could misscarry again because of the procedures they do to check if the baby is ok... is it ok to feel so negative around babies and children after i lost my first baby. i know this shouldnt count because i was planning on a termination but i didnt want it and it makes me sad to know that my first pregnancy had to be like that. full of indecision and heart ache. my boyfriend was supportive thorughout but he dosent understand why id be so down about it. we dont often speak about it now but i cant ask him this question because hes never been in the situation being a boy. i just want to know if maybe im greiving for the baby i lost? any advice would really help or maybe ur own story if ud like to share it? does any one else feel bad for the decision that u made?thank you for reading x
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female
reader, trigger18 +, writes (19 December 2010):
trigger18 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to everyone for the advice you gave me. its a releif to know that the way im feeling isnt a long term thing. i wont ever copmpletly forget but i dont think anyone expects me to. all your advice has been very helpful thank you xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Miscarriage in early weeks (particularly the first 12 weeks)is quite common, and may not have been a result of a proceedure. But anyway, it is perfectly natural to go through a sort of grieving process. Hormonal changes will have something to do with this too. Let yourself feel the loss for a while - don't bury it. Also,just because a termination was discussed don't feel guilty about it, I think that is causing you extra pain. Whatever you do don't rush into getting pregnant again to somehow replace what you have lost. Wait until you and your partner are in a good situation to go ahead and both of you are happy and settled.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): My first pregnancy I was 17 and as soon as I told my boyfriend he finished with me, everyone was so mad at me even my parents were giving me alot of grief about it. At 6 weeks everything was fine; had an early scan because I had some bleeding. Had another at 7 weeks and had a slow heartbeat then at 8 weeks no heartbeat at all.
I was really upset, I did want to keep the baby. I cried about it for a couple of months then accepted that bad things sometimes happen. Maybe your grieving because even though you was unsure about keeping the baby you may have wanted it deep down and it just hadn't sunk it yet.
Please don't worry about future pregnancies. I got pregnant again at 19 my boyfriend wasn't too sure about the pregnancy but I made it clear I was keeping ecspecially after the miscarriage last time even though I was so scared about losing him and I worried all the way through! Now I have a lovely little boy who is almost 4 months :) just because something bad happened this time does not mean it will happen again. I hope everything turns out ok for you and there is nothing wrong with feeling upset about it.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 hey hon, losing a baby at any stage of the pregnancy can be heartbreaking. I too have been through a miscarriage. We weren't going to terminate, so my hubby and i were both quite upset when it happened. I found it hard to be around babies, pregnant women, even toddlers for a few months as it was too raw. Eventually though this does pass. A yr from my miscarriage, we've stopped my birth control pill and will be trying to fall pregnant in a few months (once the pill has left my system) I think your sadness is normal, you may have been feeling the same had you had the abortion too. With every pregnancy there is a reasonable risk of miscarriage, but its our bodies saying there would of been something wrong with the baby. Nothing we do wrong (mostly) I'd try and see your friend and baby. Explain you're still a bit upset that you lost yours but you're happy for her. Best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): IMO, you may be grieving, but this sadness seems to have escalated. Your sadness may be elevated when you see a kid, or are around freinds that have kids.
I think some counciling would be a good idea, as you need to work through this, as I suspect odds are good that one day you will be a Mom!
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