A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time together. We haven't gone without seeing each other more than a couple of days in the entire 17 months we've known each other. Over the last few months I've felt more and more lonely when we're apart. I get really sad and emotional when I have to leave him. This morning for instance, before I left for work, I just wanted to lay there with him as long as possible and I cried when I left. I cry when I realize how fast time flies and we're reaching the end of our time together. I just miss his company. I feel empty without him during the couple of days I don't get to see him, even though we text and talk. This attachment seems to be growing stronger and stronger. He seems to be growing a little more affectionate as well. Does this mean anything or am I just stupid-emotional?
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (13 December 2011):
 to me from what i read you sound like you are in love, and this guy is the one you don't want to live without . he is not just someone you might be able to get along with but someone special , someone that has a special place in your heart. it reminds me of when i was dating my wife many years back, we didn't want to be apart from each other. it actually hurt when we was apart, talking on the phone was good , but it was not the same as being with each other. yes my wife was the one i didn't want to live without , and we have been together for almost 29 years. i still don't want to live without her. to me it seems like you have found someone you are in love with, and care about, someone you don't want to live without.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 Okay, I understand that after many years of being on your own you are tired of doing the independent activities. However, as tired and bored with them as you are, you need to, perhaps unfortunately for you, continue to do solo activities or activities without your partner. Otherwise you run a fair risk of suffocating the kitten. There are some couple that do EVERYTHING together, sure, but it takes two very identical people with identical mindsets to do absolutely everything together, and even they run a risk of "sitting on top of each other" as I call it. In the long run it just doesn't work out. For a year or two, maybe, but 5 years like that? 10? 15? Never. People can grow together, but they can't suddenly merge into one out of nowhere. If you are the types of people who can merge into one, and be happy with it long term, then sure. But that needs to happen by itself over many years of growing together. Although I never heard of anyone who wants to date themselves and have no persona outside of their partners, so long term it doesn't work like that. Not even for you. 10 years of dedicating yourself to yoru partner and tagging after them or doing only what they want to do and you will be fed up as well and be happy about some days for yourself.
Besides, not thinking long term, this isn't good for you right now either. You are crying after all, getting upset when you can't see him for two days. How is that a good thing for you, being upset? It's not a good thing for you to get hurt by this, but only you can change that and get to a stage mentally and emotionally where him being physically apart from you doesn't hurt you so.
I'm like you in the sense that I throw myself into things, I go 100 percent into relationships, work, you name it, and dedicate myself to it, so deeply so fast that if you asked me how our wedding would be I could probably already tell, and be sincere about it as well. Our job then in relationships is not to work on committing, but work on not losing ourselves and remember what stage the relationship actually is at, and what level of commitment/attachment we are at. Otherwise we get too intense, scare our partners away, and get hurt because we aren't getting the same level of commitment in return, at least not yet. While others take their time to get to the "should I marry" level, people like me, and maybe also you, have rushed by that stage long time ago and are already taking on the role as the wife, cooking and cleaning and ironing...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): I'm the original poster of this question. I see what you mean. I have a couple problems, though. I throw myself into whatever I do & I guess I totally have in this relationship. This is my first relationship ever-something I've always wanted & it actually took 35 years to get it, so I've been a little excited & enthusiastic, to say the least. I still do a few things on my own (go places I like, involved in some community groups, etc). It's just that I have DONE the 'alone thing' already. I've BEEN independent. I've experienced a lot of what I've wanted to. So when he came along it was the icing on the cake-finally someone to share all my adventures with (& we've had some good ones!). I guess I just 'feel' very deeply-always have. But I do need to not squeeze so hard-like a little girl excited to hold a kitten-too tight & he won't be able to breathe & he'll want to run away.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 December 2011):
"End of our time together"? Explain. Is he leaving abroad? Will you never get to see him again? Or is this how you feel when he leaves for two days every now and then? Because you act as if he was dying. Saying "the end of our time together" makes me think he has cancer or something. Yes, you are over emotional and developing an unhealthy attachment to him. You need to be able to survive without crying your eyes out when he leaves for a couple of day or else you are going to get deeply and unnecessary hurt. Why the sadness and sorrow? It is NOT the "end of your time together" when he comes back. As long as he comes back you continue to experience your time with him. Realize that being physically apart does NOT mean you aren't with him. He doesn't die each time you lose sight of him only to be reborn when you see him next (like in the old days they thought the sun died at the end of the day only to be reborn the next).
You need to develop a healthy attachment to him, one which allows you to be separated from him without losing all sense of reality and feel empty and hollow. A healthy attachment which means you do not cry because he is going away, an allows you to live your life even though he is NOT there.
He grows a little more affectionate as well? Your attachment to him isn't affectionate. Your attachment to him is a sign of codependency if anything. No, if I were you Id start working on this immediately and take grips to un-attach yourself from him in this unhealthy manner. Work on realizing that you can be fond of him, show love and care, and be attached to him, without that meaning you need to see him every single day and the entire day as well. Work on your independence! Before you know it you turn clingy and obsessive and needy and this man who you love so much will run for the hills. Been there, done that. When you love someone don't try to squeeze them tight to you, but set them free. Learn to love him without him being physically present.
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