A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 13 years (22 when married), have two kids of 10-12 years. Very soon we started having problems in our marriage. We were arguing all the time, and at my point of view, she was very negative, making a problem for every single thing, even in front of kids. I was desparate trying to solve the problems, but there was always something wrong. Later she admitted that years after pregnancy she had pshylogical problems, being very unsecure and unhappy with herself.I spend days, weeks, months, years, trying to fix things, but after some time, I was trying less and less. My reaction was not to leave family, but to work more, go out with friends etc.Of course, my relationship to wife has gone. The feelings were gone, I spent less and less time with her (and kids), I stopped trying to solve the problems because I've failed so many times. Of course, I have also contributed to bad relationship, although I think most of the blame is on her. I may be wrong.I would certainly divorce at that point if we dind't have kids. I lost faith in our relationship and marriage, but choose to stay in it beacuse of the kids.Despite living in that kind of marriage, and despite having many opportunities, I haven't cheated on her for years, for 9 years exactly. Then I did it first time, second time... It was 5-6 times, but always when I'm drunk, and never asked for phone number, Just one night with 5-6 different woman.Until last year. I met a girl, we started with text messages, then started seeing each other. At first, I thought it's gonna be just for a short while. Then I fall in love. She also fall in love. I have never loved anybody like her. Not even close.She, of course, knows that I'm married from the first second, and she also thought it's gonna be for a short while, an adventure. But our situation is kind of different, since she lives in another town, and we can behave like a couple there. It was not a classic mistress situation. We spent most of the time together in her town, or somehere else, and behaved like we were together. Some of her close freinds know about my family, other (including her parents) think we are couple.We have been in this relationship for almost year and a half. She is giving everything into this relationship, she would give everything in the world to get married and to have children with me. She is keen (and looks forward to) to have good relationship with my kids. She emphasizes to me that I should spend more time with them anyhow. She would move to my town, and leave her family and friends, start a new life and career here. She is keen on sacrifice everthing for this love, and she is very determined to do so. I must state that she is a very pretty girl, and also very interesting, and a good person, and guys are approaching her all the time, and she could find a "normal" (not married guy) in a second.During this relationship, I think I got to know her good and bad sides. I'm not idealizing her. I had also had arguments with her, like with my wife. The difference is communication, we always get a way to get things sthraight, never go to sleep in a fight. Also, I like spending time with her, I like to talk with her, and although we don't have so many common interests, we do always have fun together. In 12 years I have never had a desire to take my wife to some trip, or week-end or something, while with her I went 3-4 times, every time it was very well. To summarize, I don't have ilussions from the beginning that this marriage with my new love would be just superb (without giving our best), and this also gives me better look at my current marriage. I now understand that you need to work hard every day for a good relationship, but I also think that with her I would have a very nice and happy future. I was attracted to her by her look, but at many examples have seen that she is a good person, loyal person. Has bad sides, and I can name them all, and also live with them.Of course, time is going, and she has set a deadline for me to decide weather I'm going to be with her or with my family. I had six months to decide, and now this time is over. She was fair enought to me, and I don't want to ask for more time. I love her that much that it wouldn't be fair to hold her in this if it's not gonna end with marriage.On one hand, it would be very hard step, if we stay together. She would have to move here, start new life, new career, get new friends. More importantly, we would have to live with people judgements that I left family. But, of course, the biggest problem for me is how could I break the news to my kids? How could I destroy their worlds? How could I live with their sadness and anger? How could I live with the fact I have abadnoned them? Would they have long-term consueqences of this? As I read some article, there are chances that they could have emotional problems in future, maybe have problems in school or such things. Would this destroy my mum? How would my wife handle single-parenting (I mean I would be here all the time, but if she is psychologically broken, it would affect the kids)?At one point last year, just at the beginning of this affair, I was so despearate about my wife complaining all the time, that I told her I will leave in a few days if she doesn't stop, and I will divorce. At the point, I was so angry that I would do so, It didn't have to do with the affair. My wife's reaction was that after that she apologized for the things, and promised that she will do her best. She did change, she did become better, she argues a lot less. She is obviously trying, and giving her best, when she saw what can hapenn. She is determined to keep our marriage. Every time we were talking about it in last year, she was determined that she loves me, she made mistakes in the past that she wants to repair, and move on.The problem is that I don't love her, the respect is gone, the faith is gone, after 10-11 terrible years. In the last year I was so cold to her, maybe she was aware of some signs of cheat, and was supsicious, and maybe unconciously I was trying to force her to say 'OK, let's divorce', so that she takes some of the responsibility for what's going to happen. But she didn't. So one hand, I should be taking the responsbility for breaking (already broken?) marriage and tell the kids I'm leaving. They are aware that we don't love each other very much, they have whitnessed many fights, alghouth much less lately, since wife is getting better and I'm out of home for a long while. Also, because of that, maybe they could easily get over me, since most of the day I'm not at home, and they are not dependant of me in day-to-day routines.I'm aware that my kids will grow-up and in 5-10 years they will not care if me and my wife are together. At that time, I will loose my only love, and a woman who was ready to sacrifice everything for me, my chance for happiness. I could stay with a woman that I don't love, I lost respect for, and I get bored with.I can choose to stay with my wife, and give my best, as she claims she will and would. Maybe it would work, but maybe we would go back to the old patterns? She says she still loves me, but I now my love is gone for years and I blame her for that... Can I bring this back? And also, can I force to have the respect to her? Can I force my self to enjoy the time with her? Or, should I, if I stay with her, avoid problems, and "run out of home" for the most of the time, as I do now?Anyway, the deadline has passed, and I told to my love that I'm staying with family. She was desperate, as she gave every hope to this. She didn't see any other solution. She told me that she thought love is stronger than anything. This is killing me.I'm also devastated and desparate. I feel like I let her down. I feel like I left us down, destroyed our future and happiness. I can't handle that I could loose the biggest love of my life, the woman who is ready to sacrifice everything for this, and the woman who with, put love and feelings aside, rationally speaking, I would have a happy and nice life.If I stay with my family, I'm not sure if I will have another woman again, after this why would I have an affair? If I want love, why did I abadnone the biggest love I had? Also, if I divorce when kids grow up, then I could re-marry when I'm 45-50. OK, this could be nice, but it cannot be compared to what I have now, to marry young girl (she is 8 years younger), when I'm still young. This is why I see this as my 'last chance for love and happy life'.I know have some little time to change this decision, but this time is ticking out.I also know that there is no right decision. Whatever I do, I could end up regretting until end of my life. What to do - to live with the fact that I destroyed kid's world for a while and potentially cost them long-term consequences, or to live with the fact that I abadnoned my last chance for happinnes, and that I let down love of my life?If I stay with my family, kids will grow up and won't care. My love will eventually get married after couple of years. In the end, I will be the one who will suffer and stay unhappy. Is this enough to leave family? Or is it just selfish?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): I don't agree with the others that you should leave your wife for this other woman and I'll try hard not to judge you or this other woman morally, but I do suggest that you look at things differently.
Your wife very obviously needed counselling after becoming pregnant and giving birth but it seems that you were both too young to know that she had post-natal depression. Instead of getting to the root of the problem, you tried everything that you thought would help but nothing worked. Thereafter, you've felt like you failed and you've lost feeling for her. Men tend to lose all feeling for a woman when they feel like they've failed and then they try to feel like a success with another woman. It's an age old common pattern but it doesn't mean it's right or any good for anyone in the long run. It's the failure on BOTH of your parts to realise that she needed a different kind of help that is the problem - it should have been addressed years ago but it wasn't and you still blame her for not knowing what to do. THIS that is the crux of the whole mess now.
You still blame your wife for making you feel like a failure, even after all this time and even though you say you have no feelings for her. The thing is though, it wasn't her fault that she felt this way and its unfair of you to not see that - pregnancy can really alter a woman's self esteem and outlook - hormonally, it can mess up a woman's emotions and moods and also psychologically (especially when still young) pregnancy and becoming a Mum can be a massive 'weight' for a young woman to carry - it can leave a woman inwardly very, very confused about who she is in her own right anymore - there's a sense in which a woman, having grown a child inside her and given birth, doesn't feel anything like the same, whole young and carefree person she did. A woman - especially a young woman - doesn't always know the best solution to these problems - why should she? Sometimes when your own body is involved in creating a problem it creeps up on you and takes over so that you cannot get an objective distance from it and cannot see what's happening. So she wasn't in a position to get the help she needed at that time.And you tried, but it seems like your young ego got hurt very badly and you didn't (then) have the maturity to overcome that and see that she needed a different kind of help.
Instead, your anger towards her and your low self esteem about yourself (because you did love her and you felt that she had made you feel like a failure) has made you reach out to other women in quite a blind way - to put it bluntly this was for an ego boost on your part and nothing more- the one night stands were to help you to feel like a man. But this also began to set a scene, in a way, for something more serious to happen. It may have seemed like these one night stands meant nothing, but they did create a sense, in your own mind, of being able to venture outside of your marriage and to be validated somehow, even minimally.
And then you've come across this other woman. Frankly, it's hard not to judge her and I will try not to. However, as another reader has pointed out, she was more than willing to enter into a relationship that involved a huge amount of deception and potentially hurting someone's kids and people capable of this usually are capable of other acts of deception; even though she's encouraged you to spend more time with your kids this is an easy thing to say, especially as it seems to paint her in a good light for saying it - and doesn't take away the fact that someone who could have found a relationship with an unmarried man chose, instead, the thrill of stealing another woman's husband. Of course she's going to say she wants to spend time with your kids - many woman really like children and having 10 and 12 year olds visit now and again who are being looked after by another woman whose done all the hard work of rearing them is in many ways a very pleasant way to spend time. Especially if it gives her more power over you and convinces you to leave your wife.
The thrill of having an illicit relationship really can act like a drug - it enhances everything, making the highs seem higher and the lows seem lower. It will also make things with your wife seem as dull as hell and hopeless. I don't say this lightly.
What I wonder is what has been happening to your wife all this time? You've found ways to have one night stands and even another 'relationship' with another woman, despite having two kids of 10 and 12 - but what's your wife been doing whilst you've been out having fun? It sounds to me as if she is carrying the burden of the childcare, the housework, probably still depressed and confused about why she originally became depressed (ie. still needs help) and is basically the despised workhorse that so many millions of women are. I know you say you don't feel like taking her on a trip anymore but you do with this other woman - I can understand that because you get gratification from pleasing this other woman - but from your wife's point of view where does this leave her? No sense of love, no excitement in her life at all.
Between you, you have created a downward spiral in which, the more she is neglected as a woman, the more she comes across as unlovable (especially compared to this childless, unattached and unburdened female) and the less you feel anything for her, so you feel increasingly justified in leaving her. She sounds very neglected emotionally and despite all her troubles is still trying really hard with the kids and now with you.
It's very hard not to say that you've been selfish. For not realising by now that she should not be blamed for becoming depressed and confused after pregnancy and for not having the maturity to see that, although you both made mistakes in not dealing with things right, you are older and wiser now and you could put things right again. I'm not saying it won't take work. But if your wife wants to try to make things work then I think you at least owe it to her to give the marriage one more chance and go to counselling. You may just find that she feels caged and unloved and may just become a different, lighter and happier person as soon as she sees you genuinely caring again - and that care won't come instantly, you do need help. But it seems like you have been more concerned about feeling like a failed man - basically going on a very long, drawn out sulking session over many years - than you have been about what is really happening for her on the inside. You've turned against one another as a result and you've turned to this other woman to feel more like a man. But you loved your wife first and you loved her enough to feel like a failure when things went wrong. So imagine just how manly you'd feel if you could turn this around and make things work.
The 'relationship' with the other woman is founded on deception and your need to boost your ego with a pretty, interesting woman. If only it were so easy for married women with kids to go out and find a handsome, interesting man...can't you see that women simply don't have the same freedoms as men to behave in the way that you do? A woman these days can't even go and sit alone in the pub without risking being harassed, but a man like you has so much more freedom, even within a marriage.
This new woman entered into a deceptive situation with you. Your wife didn't. And no doubt she doesn't seem interesting, just boring, like so many wives seem to their husbands who don't understand them and put their own ego above trying to get to know their wives better. The fact that this new woman is deceptive should say it all to you, but it isn't. Your blinding yourself because you're desperate to feel loved and like your a success in someone's eyes. You WANT to see her as innocent but she isn't. All through your post there's an emphasis on how much either woman seems to love you and it seems very important to your ego to feel that a woman would do anything to be with you.
It's hard, if not impossible, for a wife who is often exhausted from childcare and - as so many wives are - feels invisible and unloved, to then have the energy or the allure or the confidence to convince you that she loves you. You say you love this new woman like no-one else - but I think it is more the feeling she gives you is able to have a greater effect on you just because your ego was so very bruised by feeling like you failed your wife.
Give it another chance with your wife and have a heart - she's not had time or energy to go and have a relationship with someone else has she? And she wants to make it work. Go to counselling together. Do it for your kids sake to begin with, and then do it for both of you.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 January 2015):
 A marriage without love and mutual respect is soul destroying.
If you do decide to leave your wife there are a few things that are very important. DO NOT leave your wife for another woman ........ you and your girlfriend need to be very careful to make sure your wife has no reason to blame the girlfriend, it would also send dreadful messages to your children, and they need to be the first priority.
Get your girlfriend on board .... you need to live somewhere on your own when you leave your wife, get a 2 bedroom flat or other, set up home and get some access happening fortnightly with the kids. Please dont introduce their mother's replacement to them for at least 6 months.
Start divorce proceedings and other legal requirements during this six month period, and keep contact with your girlfriend to a minimum, which means no overnight visits.
The reason I stress this is that you need to leave your wife with some dignity, it is a dreadful feeling to be dumped for another woman.
After you have a home set up, even temporary, then you can start 'dating' your girlfriend, once kids are settled and everybody is reconciled to the marriage break up.
There is no need to rush the process, you and your girlfriend will have the rest of your lives to live together, and if you dot your i's and cross the t's in the very beginning and be mindful of the children's needs and the fact your wife is going to experience a wide range of emotions, including anger, all should work out in the end.
As for the BIG question about your kids, they are better out of an unhappy home than in ...... by taking things slowly and not making any sudden changes you will ensure they come out the other end okay!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): A loveless marriage is agonizing to be in. You spend a good part of your life and invest years that never come back.. You have children together. I know this is a bit drudging up the past but you should have brought up divorce BEFORE daring again. I think you need to consider the impact on your kids. Don't shove the new gf in their faces for a very very long time! They will resent her and you for "breaking" the family home. Your wife also deserves a chance to have fun and love too. I think that unless you love your wife and want to give it one last shot, you def should. If not, let the poor woman go. A marital
Affair is a mockery of marriage and she has a right to decide if she's ok with that and move on despite what she did. It seems like you put up with it so you must accept responsibility for that. Even if you didn't "create" the issues. Whatever you decide to do, keep your time with your children to just you guys. I've met too many children of divorce still have big issues from childhood bc mom or dad flaunted their new love like a 6th grader. Remember to always act like an adult. Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): I have the same problem and I know you will be attacked here. I am divorce but I can't move on. I can't start my relationship with my love because I am so afraid that my only child may get hurts. I started seeing this guy at the start of the divorce which my ex was refusing to do so. Anyway eventhough I told him about it he found out more details with snooping because at the time I was still living with him, he didn't let me move out, and he made a huge scandal. Telling everyone from his family and trying to hurt me in any way possible and I have kept the realationship with him friendly just because of my kid. We still talk and hang out regularly but I have no relationship with his family!. But I am so afraid to go along with my life, still dating my love in secret because I know if I marry him my ex will get revenge and his weapon is our kid. I have never been in such a painful situation. There is really no answer here we can't have it all. Please don't do what I did i really didn't leave my ex for anyone I wanted to get divorce because of feeling negleted and alone all the time. He changed when he saw it is serious but at the point it was too late. I am telling you it is extremely difficult if I knew I would go through hell I wouldn't do it. He is still trying to win me back but with the history he has created I don't think it is a good idea to come back. Let me tell you something this feeling stock between your love and children not only go away with divorce infact it will get worse. I'm lust and don't know where to turn. The damage is so great to consider comming back to ex and for my kid I am afraid to marry my love. So I am living alone and every other week I have my kid eventhogh the week that he is with my ex I spend lots of time there! So basically this divorce was meaningless. You have to let one go otherwise you will be like me hanging there . If you have a chance to work on your marriage please please do it if not you should know it is impossible to marry you love and no one get hurt, there is consequences and children and your wife will definitely get hurt and you will get burned like me unless you dont care.
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