A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last night marked the most uncomfortable, heartbreaking conversation with my boyfriend. I just graduated from college and have been feeling awful because I cannot find a job to save my life. Naturally, this sadness and frustration made me want a little more comfort, and I looked forward to his arrival from work. However, since I started becoming down, I started picking up on small things that he WASN'T doing. He hasn't been nearly as affectionate. Apparently it's true when people tell me that no guy stays sweet and affectionate forever. He always promised me that this is how he was and it wouldn't change. Golly jeepers. It changed. Well, after a while, we started talking about god knows what, and the topic just sort of presented itself. I was bringing up things to him and he was bringing them up to me. He was blatantly annoyed when I told him how I'd noticed he touched me less and he retorted with how stereotypical of a woman that was. Then I brought up how annoyed he gets when I ask him if he's alright when he seems upset - because by his logic, if he just ignores things, they go away. He lets everything go. I was explaining that it was equally as annoying to me to know that somebody I love is upset and I can't do anything to make it better because I don't know what's wrong. I agreed to basically just leave him be when he's like that. No big. But then we got into a deeper topic and he admitted that he doesn't put big emphasis on relationships and that if something were to happen, that you should just get up and move on. And I asked him if I was basically replaceable to him. He said: "No..nobody is replaceable because nobody is the same" so I asked if something went bad, if he'd just move on and not try to save our relationship to which he replied "Pretty much." This alone, made me feel disposable, especially after a year and a half of him constantly telling me how I was the only one for him, how he never wanted to be without me. I even told him this and he said "Well, it's just how I was feeling at the time." Then, he went on about how I talk too much about the negative things in my day, or my day in general. He was tired and didn't feel like hearing bad things from me. So basically, he wants me to "learn how to deal with it" on my own instead of venting to him and only to relay anything positive to him, or major things, like if my car breaks down or something. This is coming after him always telling me I could tell him anything and everything. He explained how moving in together normalized things - that he didn't feel he had to keep up with the cuddling and things because I should already know how he feels, that I pay too much attention to small things and I'm becoming too needy. He keeps contradicting himself. A while back, when I stopped saying 'I love you' and hugging him constantly throughout the day, he said it upset him because he liked when I did it. So I kept doing it and last night he was telling me how it was unnecessary and annoying. He also said that he didn't think there was a problem between us, that he still loved me, but he thought that my job situation was making me moody and needy, and it'd pass once I got a job. The other thing about him is that he has a bad knack for saying things that he usually takes back. A while ago he had a quarrel with a friend and said he could care less if he hadn't spoke to him every again. A few days later, once they were hanging out, he admitted that he would have been pretty upset had that happened and he didn't really mean it. I'm confused and miserable. I feel so disposable and alone. I feel like if I don't confine myself and bottle everything up, I'll bother him. He acts as though I'm not self reliant simply because I enjoy the comfort of having someone to lean on. I just feel as though I'm merely his company, but he doesn't truly love ME as a person. After our conversation, I simply slipped on my 'calm' mask and kept my thoughts to myself. In this time, he acted somewhat normal - laying his head in my lap, rubbing my knee and telling me he loved me. So does he or doesn't he love me? Am I just a disposable girlfriend or is he just socially stupid with his wording? I can't figure out how he feels or what I'm supposed to do. Please help.sorry for the length
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 July 2009):
 I think you are projecting your own fears on to your boyfriend.
He is being honest when he speaks. Listen to it carefully. Just because he isn't saying what you want him to say. Don't play games. Be honest. Say what you feel, but understand that you and your boyfriend will not always agree. It doesn't make you right and him wrong. It makes the two of you individuals.
This is my advice to you:)
If you want or desire something from you partner, try to give them what you want. They will return the favor.
So if you feel he isn't hugging you enough, or telling you that he missed you, he loves you. Or you want to be courted with flowers.. what not. Then YOU kiss him when you see him, give him a hug in passing by him. YOU send him flowers ( or buy a single red rose and give it to him).
Same goes in the bedroom.
That way you aren't criticizing or nagging. Monkey see monkey do. ( Not that I call guys monkey's, but the expression holds true.)
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (10 July 2009):
 I think that he does love you, but it would be great if you vented to your friends at times instead of relying solely on him. I agree with him that your job situation is weighing you down, and I think that it would help if you found a nice volunteer gig to channel your energy into.
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