A
male
age
51-59,
*jj1972
writes:I would like to know if I am still in love or is it just being hurt. Please let me explain. My ex and I broke up 5 months ago, after 7 years, because I cheated on her with a friend of hers. I know I am a very bad person and I pray all the time and I have asked my ex for her forgiveness on several occassions. I truly did not mean for this to happen, because I love my ex very much. We still talk about 4-5 times a week. On top of that I have helped raise her kids over those 7 years. I still talk with them and they are hurt but always have love and respect for me. The ex and I see each other about once a week and we do what comes naturally when we are together. She has told me she is willing to work through it and the dooor is open anytime I want to come back. After five months I have not went home. I think she is now in a relationship but will not be honest with me about that. Now I feel very hurt and I dont know if I feel this because she is moving on and lying to me or I am just jealous. Can someone please let me know why my mind and heart are going in thousands of directions.[Added]Should I feel jealous after what I've done?
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male
reader, tjj1972 +, writes (30 December 2007):
tjj1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well I can definitely understand where all of your thoughts are coming from. I guess I did make it sound like I was a victim after read my post again. I know I am the one who has done wrong in this situation.
As of yesterday I feel we may be finally done forever. Her 18 year old daughter had her baby yesterday. I was at work when my ex told me she is going to have the baby and I need to come to the hospital. I arrived within one hour to a complete surprise. When I pulled into the parking lot my ex was standing outside with the kids and some other guy was there but I had no idea who he was. She introduced me to him and his name is Tony. Well about one month ago her and I were hanging out and some guy named Tony kept calling her and texting her. She of course said he was a friend of hers, but after 7 years in a relationship with her I know when she is lying. I did not get upset with her because I was enjoying her company at that time. Now imagine my surprise when he is at the hospital. It was a very weird situation and I was very upset, but I did not cause a dramatic scene. I did pull her to the side and we talked about it, but she was very hesitant to answer my questions. It felt like she was trying not to talk about it out of respect for me. Somehow I just knew everything I needed to know just by the look on her face. Everyone then goes into the waiting room and waits for her daughter to have the baby. I could not and did not want to sit with everyone. I sat in the lobby outside of the maternity area. In my own selfish way I was wondering if she would come out and look for me, but she did not. My 9 year old son was the only one who was looking for me. So he came out and sat with me until the baby was born. Once the baby was born I went to see him. I did not want to stay long at all. I then told my daughter I love her and congratulations. I was going to leave but I wanted to see and talk to my ex, for what felt like it could be the last time. She came outside with me and we talked for about ten minutes. My summary of the conversation is that I think we are both confused. At this point she does not deny Tony, but insists it is nothing serious. Well I left it at that because I think I have done enough damage without trying to make her feel guilty about what she is doing. I left the hospital to go have a drink and reminisce on the good times we had and not so much on how this ended. She has to live her life and I have to accept it if I am not willing to go back home. I still do and will always love her as a piece of my soul I will take into eternity with me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): You sound like you feel are the "victim" here. YOU had the affair, you left and you violated her trust. You started the mess, and now you want it all to go away and for it to be like it was. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! But that does not mean it could BE BETTER! She has told you the door is open and yet you have not gone back.....Why? Because you know she still would forgive you, she said she would take you back, you know she is there if you show up to stay. Easy access baby. YOU LEFT YOU HAD THE AFFAIR YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOURSELF!!!! Now you want to know if it is love or if it is jealousy. If you honestly feel bad about your affair,you say you know you are a bad person (and you are) and that you pray.....you need to ask why you have not gone back to the open door? If she is seeing someone else, do you blame her? You cheated on her, she in turn said the door is open and yet you have not made any move to reconcile. She is entitled to happiness. And it sounds like you are feeling what she felt when YOU CHEATED ON HER. You ever hear the saying "what comes around goes around"? Swallow your ego and pride, follow your heart, take the risk ....you love her, and I think you do, you are affected by the thought of her seeing someone else, if you had no feelings, no love, then it would not affect you. GO AND TAKE THE CHANCE FOLLOW YOUR HEART! Before it is too late!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): What you did to her was a terrible thing. Cheating is bad enough, but with HER friend. Shame one you. I think you still love her, but perhaps your guilt is keeping you from going home. If she has moved on, this is partly your fault. It may not be too late, though. You two seriously need to talk and see where you stand with one another. If you want to go hom, ask her again for forgiveness. In spite of her answer, forgive yourself and do NOT do this to another person. Let it be a lesson learned. If you do go home, be the best partner/husband/step-parent that you can be.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (28 December 2007):
 Love is confusing. I had an issue in my relationship a long time ago. I was upset, I was hurt and I was confused all at the same time so i called my mom and she gave me some really good advice, that I would like to share with you. I was on my way to her house with my bags and my husband ( boyfriend at the time)did not stop me. When I got there me and my mom sat and talked she told me I understand that you are mad, but the only time you leave your home is if your husband is abusing you. Unless he abuses emotionally,physically, mentally there is nothing that you can not work out. If you love him you stay. Because once you leave it will never be the same. She drove me home that same night and my husband and I yelled at each other for a couple of more days but we worked it out. Now my mother is an older women has been married for 29 years so I think she is a little extreme. But I took her advice to some extent. My golden rule in my marriage is that I will NEVER leave unless my husband is unfaithful or abusive anything else we are going to work out. So to make a long story short that was your home where you were raising a family together, good memories and bad you should not have left if she was willing to work it out. You are not married so I guess the cheating was wrong, but I am glad that she forgave you. She knows you do not approve of the stripping but she did it anyhow maybe she is trying to get a reaction from you. Have you expressed your disapproval? It is not as bad as you think, even with all that happened between the two of you it sounds like it can be worked out. You need to go back to your FAMILY, and at least try to work it out. You need some closure, either you are going to have a happy ending or not. Or else you will always wonder what if.....
Good Luck, let me know what you decide to do. I could be wrong but I think sometimes it is good to have and outside opinion.
Many Hugs,
XXXXXX
rockell
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A
male
reader, tjj1972 +, writes (27 December 2007):
tjj1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Rockelle. I ask myself why have I not gone back yet. For some reason I feel like I have to make it better than they way I left it. I feel like I need to show her the man I really am. I still support her financially and I do every thing I can in hopes of showing her I am sorry for my actions.
When I was in the relationship there were several arguments we could just never work out because she is just not a communicator. She always expected problems to just go away. Over the years that just really ate me up inside, and I often thought of leaving. Of course I think I was just hyping myself up, but knew I was not going anywhere. After I cheated on her I forced myself to leave so I could decide if this relationship is what I wanted. At first I was ok with being by myself, but as time goes on I start to wonder why I feel like I want to be a part of her life. I often feel like it is just out of guilt because of the way it ended. Other times I feel like I am truly in love with her and I want to go home. It may sound crazy, but I want to be with her but I am not ready to go back to the same house and pick up where I left off. This is why I say I want to completely start over if and when I do decide to go back. It may be too late then and I know that.
Here is another curve ball. When we met she wanted to become a stripper. Since I had no say so in what she did with her life at that time she started working in that industry. She continued to do it for about one year into our relationship and then quit. I hated this because it is very hard on a relationship. Any man who has gone through this can definitely relate. I talked with her yesterday and she tells me she just started back doing that job again the night before. Here is her lying to me again. I knew she started doing it again soon as we separated. Every indication was there just like in our first year. This will always bother me and she knows that. She said she only told me because she values my opinion of her and she wanted me to know. (I already knew I just did not tell her) This is another reason I am probably deciding not to go home yet. I am just not sure I want to go back into this and deal with a lot of the same garbage. I know I love her very much as well as the kids and I want them to be alright. I think I am being unreasonable sometimes. In the back of my mind I feel like I know I am not going back, but I also cant see myself living without her.
Why does this situation make me so confused?
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (27 December 2007):
If you are keeping such close contact with her what has stopped you from going back? I wouldn't call you a bad person for cheating with her friend but your actions were bad. Everyone makes mistakes. If you are still in love with this women and she is willing to forgive you why arent you trying to work it out. She maybe seeing someone else but I do not see why she would lie to you about that. The best way to handle this situation is if you are not going to work it out and get back together maybe it is time to start the process of moving on. Therefore you will have no reason to be jealous when it does happen.
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