A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Been in a relationship for six years, engaged the last three years we had talked about marriage a few times and lately seems like the subject never comes around, we live in separate houses just 25 minutes away.He had mentioned that because I had several bills from my previous marriage of 23 years that maybe he should rent out his house that is payed in full and him moving in with me to help out getting out of debt, next he suggested that we should rent out both houses and buy one of our own, next he said that because his small grandchildren come over his place every Friday and felt that he needs his space with them, than just recently I found out that since he is a recovering alcoholic he had told me that he hasn't had a drink for 15 years but he came drunk one Sunday evening before we were supposed to go out to dinner 2 weeks agoWhen I asked him how long he had started drinking he tells me for about 2 years now. I feel that there is trusting issues in my head... is this person going anywhere forward in this relationship? Is he just buying time? Is there any possibility that he really meant everything he said? Am I in denial and this relationship is going nowhere?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): Are you saying, you only just realized he was drinking again, 2 weeks ago?! I find that astounding ..he hid it well. How many times per week did you visit him? Weren't there any other signs that had you alerted to his problem? Listen dear, I feel for you because here you are engaged to a man who 'was' a recovering alcoholic. But who's not in recovery anymore. He admitted to you for the past 2 years, he has been drinking...he is now back to being a full-blown alcoholic. I don't blame you for having second thoughts and experiencing some huge trust issues. Plainly for the past 2 years he has been hiding this from you and by the sounds of it, doing a remarkable job.
No woman in her right mind should marry a man, whom she knows is an 'active' alcoholic? I will tell you right now, do not marry him. Do not live with him, either. As long as he's drinking and not actively helping himself, you would be walking into a monumental disaster. Because marrying an alchoholic, will mean that he will not be able to meet your emotional needs, and you will never be able to meet his, until he becomes sober. He could go into recovery, but will he? There's a strong possibility that he will always love his bottle over you. Can you live that way?
You have no power to change your bf's drinking behavior. Only he can change it, and if he ever changes, he will do it for his own sake. Until he is tired of being controlled by alcohol, he will not change. That choice has to be made by him.
So you have a big decision to make. Stay or go. Many women would go and not look back.. Some wouldn't. They feel 'love will conquer all'. But all you may get is broken promises, mistrust, financial troubles, continued hidden behaviors so predominant in an addicts behaviors. It's a strong possibility. If you want to remain engaged to an alcoholic, you may have to hunker down and learn about this disease and what it does to people's lives, the people who love the alcoholic. If you can't walk away from this man, I strongly suggest you contact an Alanon group in your area and attend their meetings. What happens to many people involved with alcoholics, is they hold out hope, that some day the addiction will be over. But as you both become older, and the best years of your life seem to be behind you, you could experience such a deep and pervasive feeling of hopelessness and despair that will overcome you. All caused by the destructive behavior of your alcoholic bf. Take the steps to look after yourself, here. You can't live a normal life with this man if he continues on this course. Put yourself first I am sorry for your heartache over this, but this is serious. If you marry anyone, you want assurances that you will have a happy future. And if it's a future without him...then know, as hard as this is...you may very well have made the safest, most healthiest choice for yourself.
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (9 November 2008):
 hi honey, my father was an alcoholic and he was a prolific liar so i'd have alarm bells ringing. i dont understand why you got engaged to then drift along for years without setting a date for the wedding. isn't that what being engaged is all about? if you really want to marry him i'd give him an ultimatum but be prepared to split if he doesnt set a date. i know its easy for me to say but if you want a full committment with somebody and your man can't do it,cut him loose and get with a guy who can give you what you want. good luck x
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