A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Help... I'm with a great guy and we have been together for more than 3.5 years.In the first year of our relationship, he went to his friends cabin over summer vacation (without me). A few months after he got back I found out (talking to a mutual friend who had been there with him) that his ex-girlfriend was there as well- he never told me this, he hid it from me, and I was quite confused and shaken up as to why he would hide it from me. Up until that point I had never had any real insecurities or anything. But that lie shook my trust in him and I have never been able to get it back completely. They never kissed, or had sex, or even flirted- at least that is what the mutual friend told me, and I believe her (he broke up with this girl for me and their break up wasn't a happy one). I confronted him about the fact that he hid it from me for months- he clearly never intended to tell me that he had been there with her. He admitted to it and apologized. But ever since that (2.5 years ago I will remind you) I am not trusting of him. I have a hard time trusting men in the first place (I was raped as a child and my father has been cheating on my mother for a long time, she has no idea). It was a big deal for me to enter into a relationship with him (I had avoided serious relationships up to that point). Anyway, the jealousy and insecurity has gotten out of hand. This one lie has created a monster of me. He planted a seed of doubt and I have nurtured it into a full grown crazy maneating plant that is destroying our relationship.He tells me I am beautiful, he loves me, will never lie to me again (I have caught him in one other girl-related lie since the cabin incident which didn't help my insecurity), and all the things that men say to insecure lovers. I believe that he is my soulmate so I have to get over this for the sake of our relationship. It's to the point where I get jealous of girls on movie screens (i.e. if there is a sex scene). It's ridiculous. I cry about it all the time. I don't accuse him of cheating or anything (I think if I did, the relationship would have ended ages ago). I have been dieting all year to lose weight (I have lost 25 pounds) so I can look better for him. He is worried that I will diet my way to an eating disorder. Logically I know that losing weight isn't the answer but I feel like I must do something to secure his interest in me.I am going insane. I don't know what to do.I need to stop being so jealous and I need to learn to trust him again. Help me please.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): You sound very intelligent, you've realized exactly what needs to be done and you already recognize what you have to do.
"I need to stop being so jealous and I need to learn to trust him again."
Love is about acceptance and accepting everything about the other person. You either choose to accept everything about them and still love them or you can choose to "love everything about them, provided they change their behavior to suit you."
You must accept him for who he is and give your relationship a chance to work. Show him the real you -- the happy loving person who supports him and trusts him completely.
If you can reach that point and the relationship does not work, then you can at least know that you did what was right and what was best.
I would also suggest you see a professional just to talk and to put things in perspective. This will help you see things from a better perspective and may help you find that elusive happiness.
I wish you luck, hang in there, you can do this!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): Not all men are cheaters but yes some are. Maybe you should get help to work your way through your issues, I don't know if your b/f cheating on you, ussualy I'd say trust your gut as its rarely wrong.
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