A
female
age
41-50,
*zuren
writes:This is the first time I've posted anything like this, but I'm in desperate need of advice. Here is the situation:I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We were engaged at one point, but we called it off in order to try working through a lot of trust issues (he told me in the beginning of the relationship that he no longer went out drinking, but I stumbled across pictures of him on Myspace one day that proved otherwise). That incident caused a lot of problems for us, but we decided the relationship was worth fighting for. Anyway, that was over a year ago. I didn't really forgive him for it for a very long time, and I know I did a lot to cause him to resent me. He was trying very hard to be honest, and reassuring me every time I became insecure about other girls or anything like that. You see, I'm not the kind of girl he used to date. I'm more of a stay-at-home person, and he tried to become a stay-at-home person, too, but he wasn't happy. There have been major incidents where he blew up at me and told me to get out of his house, because I questioned his activities or got upset that he never wanted to include me in them. I stayed with my mother each of those times, while he went out most every night drinking, and even started smoking. Each time, after about a week of that, he asked me to come back, promising that things would get better, that he was ready to settle down and stop holding on to resent. And some things have gotten better. He has made more of an effort to include me in his social life, and he admitted that even though I don't drink, he could still go out with me and have a good time. But his temper has gotten far worse, and he has also begun doing very spiteful things. For example, we went out last night, and I had a few moments of anxiety when some attractive girls walked by him. I told him I was worried he'd find them more appealing than me, but he kept reassuring me that wasn't the case. I felt better about it, and even said later on that I was really glad he didn't get upset over me saying that. He said he'd just let it go. But when we settled into bed for the night, I made a random comment that I really hoped he didn't snore too much that night. Suddenly his demeanor changed. He said that maybe I should go find a guy who doesn't snore, then. I was surprised by this outburst, and asked him why he was getting so upset. He said that I can dish out comments like that, but apparently I can't take them. Then everything got out of control and we ended up screaming at each other. Now we're not even speaking. It seems to me that he really isn't letting things go at all, but he doesn't see it himself. Also, now every time we fight he starts texting his ex girlfriend, and goes off with her. He added another former "friend with benefits" to his Facebook recently. He swears he has no feelings for these people anymore, but I am extremely uncomfortable with him talking to them/seeing them because it always happens when we're fighting. He promised not to go off with his ex alone again, but today he broke that promise. I asked him a few days ago if he was trying to hurt me with these spiteful things, but he swears he's not. Am I going crazy here? And there is one other question. Every time we argue now, he ends up telling me that whatever I did to upset him was something that his long-ago ex girlfriend did (not the one he is talking to now). I feel that either he is just a very nasty, spiteful person, or he is afraid of being hurt again because this other girl was manipulating him, and now he thinks every girl is just like her! I feel like I'm going crazy. Please help.
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engaged, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, insecure, myspace, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (21 September 2009):
 Why should he change his status when he knows he can get you right back? See, that's the thing about insecurity...it doesn't just hurt relationships, it hurts you too. Here you are, a perfectly lovely and smart woman, putting up with some knucklehead who throws you out on a whim and causes you emotional pain. I strongly suggest that you get out of this toxic relationship and see a professional so that you can learn what a healthy relationship is and how to keep it that way. I know what I say is rough but it will be much better for you in the long run.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Azuren +, writes (20 September 2009):
Azuren is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. I know that I need to work on my own insecurities. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend has been a big help with at least getting me to recognize them, but other times I feel that he also does a lot to tear down any confidence I try to build.
For example, a few weeks ago he called me crazy because I said I wished he'd freely tell me his ex was sending him text messages, rather than me having to ask "who is texting you?" After he called me crazy and stormed out of the house, I started crying. But then I thought I could stand up for myself and tell him that I do NOT tolerate being treated that way. I followed him outside and told him he owed me an apology, because I'm NOT crazy.
Turns out that only made matters worse. He told me to pack my sh*t and leave his house, because he was never putting up with a girlfriend who made demands again (this is another reference to his first love, whom I mentioned before is often used as an example of why he will not tolerate things from me). And he finished the conversation by saying he was going to meet up with his most recent ex, that I couldn't do anything about it, and he didn't want me to be there when he got back.
There seems to be a cycle. He flips out over something that I don't think is very serious, dumps me, goes off to do mysterious things with mysterious people, then eventually (could be days or a week) says he misses me and wants me back. One thing I've noticed is that even when he says he has dumped me, he never changes his Facebook status to single. Any idea why that is? Do you think he's waiting for me to end our relationship on Facebook for some reason, or is it a sign that he really doesn't want to let go? He's on there all of the time, so I know it isn't just because he forgot to change it.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (20 September 2009):
I think that more than anything else, you should work on your insecurity. Once you start seeing yourself as a valuable person, a person who is good no matter what, a person who can roll with things good and bad, your life will improve.
Insecurity is like relationship poison. It corrupts and corrodes everything good about the relationship. The other person gets very, very tired of having to pump up your ego. Having to say "no, she's not prettier than you" over and over again is aggravating, okay? And if he feels like he cannot express to you how infuriating it is because he is worried that you will be upset all over again (not saying that is healthy, because it isn't), it comes out in other passive aggressive ways.
In the end I don't think this relationship is healthy for either of you, and again I strongly suggest that before you get into another relationship that you work on those insecurity issues.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): It's right on your face that he is a player and you're in denial. His excuses are just ways to drop your intuitions. You need to be careful. Obviously, you are going crazy with the mind games he has on you. He is definitely engaging himself in some type of physical activities with the women he meets and I will advise you to be extremely cautious. In what way? By protecting yourself from sexual transmitted diseases like HIV. So it is clear that he is not trust worthy. I would just leave him alone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): The biggest mistake you made in this relationship, is this...you got back with him before he made the changes permanent. You have the most power when he is trying to please you, once you get back with him...poof, he quits. Also, since you have left and come back several times now, he knows he can do just about anything and you will come back again and again. He may in fact, think that you will never be able to get along without him.
Will you be happy if he doesn't change? If so, for how long? If not, what is holding you there? You are in love with the man you want him to be, not the man he is. Don't listen to his words and promises, look at the concrete proof.....HIS ACTIONS....that is the true lithmus test of who he is.
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