A
female
age
51-59,
*insclan
writes:Am I giving up too easily? I've been married for 11 years. The last 5 years have been tough on us as a family (we share 7 children ages 6-19). The pattern of arguments are brutal. I remain silent and he blasts me with person insults that are demeaning, patronizing, and condescending. I get the impression he hates me. Followed by several days of silence, I suppose this is intended to be my punishment. I used to continually ask "what's wrong?". (I don't do that anymore.) I used to beg for more affection, time together and marital counseling. Many times I also begged in tears for us to only argue about the issue at hand with no success. Everything I've ever done, that he didn't like, is tossed up. With each passing 'silent' day, I feel like I've been forced to think of a plan 'B'. That used to scare me. Last August there was another one-sided argument that ended with me telling him that I don't like him anymore and leaving in tears. (I came back the next morning for my children.) Since then, I found another place to live relatively cheap. I made plans to move out and keep the children in the only home they've ever known by giving 95% of my income to him. The children are active; remaining in their lives on a daily basis is crucial. I stopped being intimate with him, voluntarily, in October. The arguments continue. I left on January 2, after the meanness, began because I told him I want a divorce. He trashed the house, drank 2-3 bottles of wine, withdrew money from the account, and told our oldest daughters (without me)that I want a divorce. He later admitted to doing all of this because he wanted to hurt me. We don't argue in front of the children but they know something is wrong. He made an appointment for counseling for next month. He's like Jekyll and Hyde to me. Jekyll is sweet and wonderful. Hyde has torn us apart. I can't make myself love him again. My heart won't let me trust him. He thinks he can change. I still want a divorce but don't want a bloody war that will hurt my children. When he's angry nothing and no one else matters. I think in counseling I'll bring the divorce papers and call it transitioning instead. Is there anyone who can give me advice?
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female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 This is emotional abuse. I agree that you should be back in the family home with your children, you shouldn't be the one to leave when this man has spent years bullying you and bringing you down. He's clearly knocked your confidence in a big way but it's time you made a stand and stop allowing him to walk all over you. You're a good mum, you've tried hard to make things work and he's thrown it all away, you deserve to be with your kids.
Seek legal advice, make it clear to your husband that this is your plan and there's no chance of going back. Speak to your children. Even your youngest at six years old will have an idea of things going on that nobody is speaking to him/her about and you can help calm the worry and confusion they will be feeling by sitting down and explaining to them what's going on.
You know how difficult this is going to be but you can come out the other side happier and stronger than you've been while married to this man. Best of luck
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (13 January 2011):
 You pay the rent for him and the children, and y ou reside in another place on your own. I wonder what kind of life y our children are having without you there. This man sounds like he is an alcoholic. He needs help with that. Why don't you let him stay in the little flat and you move back with the children. If he won't go then seek a lawyer to make him. I don't doubt you try and hide y our arguments from your kids but i'll bet you anything they know all about it because kids pick all of it up and they will be very unhappy. Just ask them and you will see. You really do need to seek a divorce and get your home back and custody, if y ou are serious about losing your husband. You have rights and you need to find out what they are and don't put up with this domestic abuse any longer.
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