A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I've got a trust question which probably is nothing new for this site. So, here goes:I'm currently seeing this girl (we'll call her N) that I've been with for 14-15 months. We got together close to the start of her freshman year of college while I'm a year older than her. We had our squabble here and there, and at times it seemed like we did nothing but fight (we're both very stubborn), but we would manage to either just drop it or fix it. So this past Thanksgiving I went home alone and everything seemed okay. She said goodbye to me with a very passionate kiss which is what made me think everything was alright. WRONG. Apparently while I was gone she did some soul-searching and I guess came up with the conclusion that her feelings for me weren't as strong (even though I had bought her a promise ring and we were talking about our future together). Thanksgiving night she called me half-hysterical talking about how she had to drink to get all of this off her mind but it didn't work. So that night we decided to take a break (I was not in favor but don't want a one-sided relationship) for either a week at the most or just however long we could make it. I get back to school from home and am forced to work Black Friday. It turns out to be a miserable day because all I could think about was her. Later that night she asks me to come over. While crying, she tells me she doesn't want to do the break anymore and she wants to be back with me but wants us to start over in a sense. So here we are, back to square one and dating. Not officially together, but working on it. She still told me she loves me, she still spent the night, and she made it seem we were going to be okay. Well one night N had to work and she is usually off by 10 and calling me to talk while either driving home or to my place (we live 5 minutes apart). Well 1030 comes around and I'm still wondering so I text her. She replies about 30 minutes later then promptly calls me while replying to her. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me "I didn't want to go home, so I've just been driving around." That raised a red flag because that is something I wouldn't ever expect to hear her do. I'm a little suspicious when she comes over right after the call. She comes in, comes kisses me saying the typical "I love you" that we've been doing for a while now and then sits down to watch tv while I do my homework. After a while, she makes it clear she will stay with me and is going to head to bed while I'm still finishing my homework. She's a very heavy sleeper and my curiosity and suspicion get the best of me so I grab her phone and check her messages. It turns out my hunch was right, she was not out driving around but she had gone to meet with this guy (we'll call him W). It also turns out she has been texting this OTHER guy (we'll call him S). Both guys and her have been talking about things you would hope a girl in a relationship would not talk about (flirting and naughty talk but NOT sexting). When I ask her about it the next day, it turns out that N met up with S earlier in the week (a few days after we initially called for our break but by that time decided to call an end to the break) and happened to do some stuff with him. She had previously told me during the Thanksgiving night call that she had these little "crushes" that she described as the same as any 4th grader would have and didn't understand it because she knew she was in love with me still. After telling me that her and S did some stuff (stuff meaning nothing too serious but serious enough for me to be hurt and angry) she then decided to call our relationship off because she needed to figure out what she wanted. A week later here we are and now we're back together after a single date, but now (because she knows how i found everything out) she locks her phone all the time and keeps it at her side as much as possible. We're two days back into our get-together and I'm happy because when I thought I lost her for good I was seriously depressed to the point of not eating.#1. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing here by getting back with her.#2. Was it wrong of me to go through her phone like that?#3. How can I trust her again knowing that she has lied to me many times now?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): You probably will never trust her again fully, until theres some transparency and openness. Which she isn't going to give obviously because she is taking extra steps to keep things private. And thats the beginning of the mindfu*k. Some girls are either the angel or the devil. They will be so sweet to you, but do all this rotten stuff behind your back, or manipulate /control you every chance you get. You need to be aware of it if it happens, and man up and leave. Because from my experience they will never change. YOU have to be the one to deal with it all or do the fixing, not them. Thats what keeps them happy is a one sided relationship.
To me it sounds like she is playing games with you. Why would she change if you just take her back after all this shady stuff? What was the consequence to that? You guys getting back to together? No reason for her to change.
And I am speaking from experience, it doesn't matter how good your heart is and how bad you want it to work, some people just don't want to put the same work into it. So you either have to deal with a one-sided relationship or leave.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): If you can't trust her than you shouldn't be in a relationship with her because you will be constantly thinking and wondering if she is seeing other guys and this will drive you crazy and make you so unhappy. Don't stay with her because you think you wont find anyone else because you will get over her eventually and find someone else. So you just have to ask yourself if you trust her, if you do and think she only has eyes for you than stay with her but if you don't, get out now or you'll end up getting hurt! Hope I helped :) x
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