A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:sorry its longI am a quieter gay female in my mid-late 30s, have a very small circle of straight friends who i see occasioanally, my closest friend is the only one who knows im gay, which is fine, shes 150% straight but Ok with me being not. i see her quite a bit and no i am NOT attracted to her!! shes a good friend only, i do not want to and would never ruin the f/ship by making a move on her. Again, I am NOT attracted to her!!I was bullied as a child, i got OCD as a result and was very quiet, everyone hated me as a teenager, i was ugly and useless, and i had only 1 or 2 friends who mostly used me, i have been to therapists to deal with this and im over it mainly. But im still quiet, when im in the mood i try hard to be friendly to ppl at work, i alway say hi to ppl, have no enemies and am never nasty or mean, due to my job i need to talk and i can make small talk fairly well. My work mates are clicky, which is fine, no big. i work with a lot of younger women, women are clicky. i dont see them outside work, which is finem, im there to work.i work shifts, can work any day of the week any hour of the day, i like my job! its impossible to go to gay groups to meet ppl, plse dont suggest that,i tried and was rejected and judged, the women are too "clicky" and some were with their gfs so they were extra clicky, i cant attend regular events to meet new ppl, i cant play sport and am not good at anything. Ive tried internet dating and did meet a few dates their but i wasnt good enough for them either, the women are very "clicky" online and i feel like im never good enough for anyone, like when i was 15. im in no hurry to meet a partner,am happy and am content alone,the story of my life, me alone.so i guess im destined to be a nice, sometimes freindly, not totally ugly dateless loser with only a tiny circle of freinds.how do ppl make others want to be their freind? some ppl are magetic, how do i become like that? i smile and am interested in ppl, but most ppl are so self absorbed that they never ask about me!I have never had a seroius r/ship, have dated breifly and had a few casual things only.thanks for any advice[mod note: kept poster's original title]
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (19 December 2009):
when you talk about people being "clicky", do you mean it as being in their own private established groups? (cliquey). If so, my first advice is you need to work on yourself. Because you seem to be someone who feels as though they don't fit in if everyone else around you (including the Internet) is already in a clique. My advice is that you read a book like The Secret (by Rhonda Byrne). It basically teaches you how to overcome negative thinking, because how you see yourself is how others see you too. I would suggest you then try Internet dating again. I met 9 awful people before I met the perfect man but all the frogs I met helped me see what I like and don't like. Also take care of your appearance; take extra care with your choice of clothes and get your hair done. Even when you are not in a relationship its a huge confidence boost and this also reflects positively to others. All the best
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): Try to remember that every human on earth's greatest fear is rejection. If you approach someone new and act distant and reluctant to meet them, then they immediately think that it is them you do not like. So, I agree, get them talking about themselves and smile and find some common ground with them. Develop rapport. Practice first with people you are not interested in dating, like co workers, or people you meet on the street. Just strike up a conversation and run with it even if it lasts only 5 minutes. That will help build up your confidence and let you feel less shy and reluctant to meet people.
I can't really help you on how to meet gay women, I mean I have known some gay women but have not been close friends with them, so I don't know how they met their partners, but I am sure it happens every day that two gay women meet and fall for each other. Perhaps you could ask your friends, the few that you have to introduce you around to some different gals. Who cares if they are clicky, just be yourself around them and let them know you are interested and eventually they will seek you out, don't give up too early and judge them as clicky. It could be that they just know each other better and are comfortable in their zone, help them break out of their comfort zone by giving them something else to think about.
I think it is a lucky person who has a few close friends, that is all any one of us really needs, the rest are all just acquaintances really and that is OK, too. We only connect with a certain subset of people on a deeper level, that is the way it is supposed to be...so that is nothing on you.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (19 December 2009):
 theres hundreds of books on getting people to like you can read them all and practice what they teach a popular book is titled how to make friends and influence people. I think you should give that a shot it cant hurt. the thing is this stuff is really a dicipline its something you have to study and make it an actual part of your life it becomes your life you cant read a few paragraphs and think you got it the reason it doesnt work for most people is because most people wont put in that mutch effort. if you go to the gym for 30 min once a week you wont see mutch change you have to go for 2 hrs 6 days a week. It sounds like these types of books can help you but your really going to have to put in the effort. Next you have to change your mentality on your situation your very negative and self depreciating others can sense that about you and are drawn away from you i think theres three types of people the ones the lead the ones that follow and the ones that watch. leaders attract followers followers attract leaders no one wants a watcher because they dont lead or follow its just the natural way of things. you shouldnt be ashamed of who you are you have many great qualities im sure being a watcher you wont have nearly as mutch drama in life as others yes there will be lonely nites and a little less excitement but for the most part life will be comfortable. Instead of seeking friends i suggest focusing on improving the image you see when you look in the mirror no amount of friends in the world can change that if you hate your self inside no external force can help you. as a christian i believe in God and i Believe with his help we can live an enjoyable life. Have a good holiday and i wish you the best
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