A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey everyone, this is something that plaeged me growing up and especially in my teen and college years. Despite the fact that I love him to death, my Father seems to fit the bill for the "Nice Guy" profile while I grew up in the far more than simply rough necked areas of Appallacia within the Americian South where males are encouraged to be truely vile to the core.I have always had an easy time at getting female attention and have been called "hot" "cute" or "handsome" many times over but I was also naturally the strong, selint, but very shy of the lime light mix of personalities and I still think too much before I act on something and I believed that none of my personal behavior was at all appealing.In sharp contrast most of the boys who I grew up with were loud, crude baligerant, commanded to be the center of attention were quick to assault or screw anything that walks on two legs and always thought a good 5 seconds behind thier acttions and never gave a damn about anything including their own lives. Many of them would commit violence out of boredom and brag about it where as I could never have it in me to commit violence that is not motivated by defense, justice, revenge, or a higher cause. Many guys in my college years just smiply viewed the opposite sex as fleshy blow up dolls and would see how many they could sleep with in a,week (including the use of date rape drugs)and would steal university property all the time and brag about going to jail. I feel as if I am a real whimp of a guy because I sincerely care about individual poeple and my future community as a whole and I always wanted to be a fireman, EMT, or Police Officer so I could save lives and protect others from injustice. I also have a very muscular frame and have been doing sports and martial arts for years. Despite this and easily getting theyre attention most women think that I am far too sweet when I start dating them even though most of my kind gestures are truely sincere and from the heart and I end up being romantic quickly.Am I a weak, whimpy "Nice Guy" or just a good one?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): Wise Owl is completely right. You sound absolutely lovely, but just surrounded by women who are used to being treated so badly that they can't recognise you for what you are. Younger women really can't always make the kind of mature judgements that would be better for them in the long run - they will regret it later.
I've studied gender - masculinity and femininity - in great depth. I can tell you that there is a growing crisis in masculinity for many reasons, but a lot of it is to do with capitalist driven pornography and a lack of good role models. In other words, capitalism keeps pushing porn as much as possible, especially to young men, and it really is changing their ability to form loving relationships, and distorting their idea of what women are. In turn, women are becoming increasingly unable to understand what they themselves are and want, and instead play into the 'porn' type idea of femininity that capitalism is pushing at every opportunity. I just marked a set of essays by students at the university that I teach at and one young man expressed his disgust at the way that women today are 'gorged upon' because of the effects of pornography.
Another thing is that men have very limited ideas about what it is to be a man, and tend to behave in what they think are 'manly' ways, because they fear being considered unmanly - they end up colluding together and just acting out a stereotype, especially when younger, but it can become so ingrained that they can't see any other way of being.
You, on the other hand, sound totally lovely, and definitely extremely strong, but just very alone because you have different values and principles. I wonder if you could move away from the area that you live in? Please don't give up on your dream of helping people - in years to come the maturity that you have already, will soon start to show to others as a great thing and you really will reap the rewards of it. Many women that I know would absolutely love to know a man like you, it just seems very hard for you because of where you are geographically - certain parts of countries tend to generate stereotypes and if you don't fit in with it then it's gonna be difficult. You will win out in the end - the others will just get old and repulsive and have crap relationships with women who never feel fulfilled and happy. You, on the other hand, sound capable of truly loving and being loved. You will be.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (18 May 2013):
You are just a good guy. You can't give girls too much credit because they are so used to being around jerks so much of the time, should any decent guy actually arrive they would stare at him like a strange foreign dish. Just take your time and eventually some girls will come around. If not then set your eyes outside your territory or for the future for more mature women. Relax, you aren't doing anything wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): YouWish: The last time that I dated was post college with girls online who were very insecure with themselves. My Mother was extremely over protective and barely let me out of the house while my Father was suicidally depressed, always talked about it being better off if we didnt exist to avoid the worlds cruelty and treated my every basic human error like a cardinal sin. I would always protect bullied kids by fighting the bullies and winning but everyone teased me by labling me a "hero bitch" for doing this and wanting to be a professional serviceman as career. I also got very ashamed by losing fights by getting hit with brass knickles and my opponent running away and giving me another brass punch in the crotch when it appeared to be safe and I felt so weak and vulnerable that just a simple combination of cheap tacktics+cheap shots+weapons could turn me into a humiliation. Growing up since middle school I have been asked out on dates quite a bit but just assumed that she wanted to ask me out just as a friend or didnt have enough confidence to give an answer. I guess all that is wrong with me is my perception of myself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): OP speaking: Thank You for your imput. The greatest dating challange that I face are my potential dates simply being convinced that I will hurt them consiously or sub conciously and they seem to be dissapointed, frustrated, and confused when I act like who I am and fail their expections of doing damage to them.
Other words these particular women(mabey immature girls in the head) dont trust who theyre not used to and involuntarilly love who they hate. I unfortunately accepted the idea that every woman who has reached her 20s(mid teens when I was younger) is well damaged and that I just have to deal with
it.
Although some past damage is
unaviodable I will look for ladies with their heads much striaghter and I now
understand that trying to change a bad boys damaged goods is just as insane as trying to change a bad boy, Thank You!!
P.S. I have been told that human masculinity and being a rabbid animal are two completely different things and I
should start relizeing that I might be more of a man than some of these guys with that being said so thank you for that also.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 May 2013):
 Can I ask -- was the last time you attempted to date or be in a relationship in either high school or college?
Many immature girls are attracted to the "bad boys", but the ones who become mature, or the ones who didn't date in high school or the late bloomers who guys didn't pay attention to suddenly blossom and look for guys are are neither players nor users.
Only you can decide whether you are a nice guy or a good one. You feel emasculated because you have low self-esteem. Are you simply disagreeing with everyone who calls you handsome and all that? If so, STOP IT! Women can spot insecurity a mile away and run from it. Same with always asking for validation. When on a date, don't fish for compliments or overcompliment her in hopes of getting one in return.
In fact, take your mind off of yourself and ask her things about herself. The idea on a first date is to get her to talk more than you. Be interested in her. Not only that, but have interests, a job goal, and a rich full life on your own. If you're ashamed of who you are, you won't feel comfortable projecting competence.
Keep working on yourself!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 May 2013):
 A wimp means you always ask for permission to do things and you seldomly take the initiative or turn down requests. A pushover would be like paying a girlfriend's rent even though she's mean to you. Wanting a good future for yourself, thinking for humanity does not make you a wimp or a pushover.
It is sad that you see that being masculine means that you act on impulse, like an animal or a testosterone machine.
I can see why women doubt your sincerity. I question that too. I am glad to hear you are sincere about wanting a true relationship. You have to be more picky about women in your life, so that your girlfriend does cherish your good qualities and not turn you into a pushover. Stay away from those bitter ones who got burned by the examples of men you'd given, and only use you but not love you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): You're what girls dream about and what the world needs more of. There are special people put on this earth with a special calling. They seem different. To most they're a misfit, or they just don't fit into the average category of peeps. You just aren't the typical redneck jerk.
You have common sense, a sense of purpose, and you are a focused young man. Your "nice guy" father made a positive impression on you. You are mature, and you know right from wrong. You have no apologies to make for being decent.
You don't have to worry about anyone's opinion when you try to do the right thing. As for girls, you date as many as you can until you find the right one. At your age, that's what you're supposed to do. You set your goals and you achieve them.
You date girls to have fun, for companionship, and to have some romance in your life. You need them to keep you well-rounded. Like everybody else, you've got to reach through a few thorns to get to the best rose.
Your feet are planted firmly on the ground, and you are a rare breed. So follow your calling and enjoy being young.
You'll meet girls who might prefer the bad boy types; but they usually aren't very smart anyway.
So look for a girl with your type of convictions and drive. Sensible and goal-oriented. Check out the type that is pretty, lay-back, book-smart, and athletic. That sounds like your type of girl. She'll bring out the best in you.
You're going to turn out just fine! You sound pretty strong to me! Wimpy? Nah!
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