A
female
age
30-35,
*ovesickchick
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. We have an 8 year age gap and sometimes I feel like that makes me behave childishly.We met at work and clicked straight away. We have so much in common. We started dating and I had family problems, so he took me into his home without me even asking. Everything was perfect. Handsome, caring, charming, gentleman, intelligent, interesting, great sex...the list goes on.It didn't take me long to realise he had an anger problem. He's been through a lot in his life and he confided in me about it all. He tells me everything. We have argued in public and they nearly always get out of hand. I have had strangers come up to me and say things like, "It’s none of my business but you deserve a lot better than that." He has never hit me, but when he feels like I'm not listening he gets frustrated and will punch walls. He has broken a few of my phones and has sometimes picked me up. He accidentally cut my arm once by doing so. He has threatened to punch me, but he never has laid a finger on me in that way. I feel like I don't know how to handle his anger issue and because of that I keep pushing and pushing, especially when I also feel like I'm not being listened to. I know it is not my responsibility to put up with his anger issues, but I also feel like just because he has them doesn't mean he shouldn't be loved like everyone else. He is on probation now and he is given anger management classes and how to treat women, so he is getting help.We used to spend all our time together. He gave up all his friends for me even though I never asked him to. I would go out and sometimes stay out and he hated it. I would also sometimes ignore his calls. He sometimes came across controlling. He went dayshift at work and I stayed nightshift. He hated me talking to any boys, especially in front of him. He would meet me from work every night and sometimes spy on me. We both went dayshift and then we spent ALL our time together and it became too much.We both ended up losing our jobs. It was a very stressful time. One day he went out and didn't come home until the next day and I was appalled, especially because of the way he reacted when I had done it. I felt like he was a hypocrite. We had a huge argument and I started packing my things. He begged me not to leave and said if I did he would commit suicide, but I left anyway.We continued to see each other and then he started going out all the time to his friends. I became obsessive and would constantly ring his phone and text him, especially when he left me in his flat by myself til midnight or later. He said that I was a nag and I 'jarred' his head and when I would text him (I could say really nasty stuff) it just made him not want to come back.He did it to me the other day. He had no money so I bought food and gave him the last of my money and then the next day I went to work and he met me at the train station to say he was going out. I was fuming as all I wanted to do was just spend time with him, and when he goes out I know he won't be back til late. He said, "I love you. I'm not cheating on you or neglecting you. I am not in the right frame of mind to just sit at home. Surely that should count above everything", but I was still angry. At about 9 o'clock I went to a phonebox and tried ringing him but he wouldn't answer. I had to ring his friend for him to talk to me and he just hung up. After that I got sooo angry and upset it was almost like an out of body experience. I went back to his place, trashed it, and put rubbish everywhere! He never came home. The next morning he rang me complaining about all the texts I sent him saying he'd be home when he's ready and he's not coming home now. I then went and cut up some of his clothes. I just let my emotions for once get the better of me and it felt great at the time but afterwards I severely regretted it.We had another argument in public and since then we have not spoken. I know he doesn't have credit anyway but I have sent him messages apologising because I am truly appalled and disgusted with my behaviour and now I'm scared he won't want me back.I've realised he has been so good to me and done a lot for me, despite his anger. I’ve just acted ridiculous and I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want anything to do with me now.When I was messing his place up, I was doing it for everything he had ever done to me, every time he made me cry, he hurt me, ignored me, grabbed me. I wanted to hurt his feelings because he hurt mine... But I didn't realise how much it would hurt me, hurting him.Some of my friends think I should leave him. Others say, "better the devil you know". After what I did I looked at the whole of the relationship and realised all the wrong I'd done to him. He's a person who needs patience.I just don't know if I am in the right or if he is. We have both been bad to each other, even though there have been real good times. When he gets angry I feel like I'm losing him and all I want to do is talk and sort things out but he doesn't want to, he needs to calm down. I think I care too much about my emotions and don't think about his. Every girl expects to be treated like a princess, but they forget that a man is also meant to be treated like a prince.Although we've argued a lot he has been dedicated to me and I'm nearly a hundred percent sure he's never cheated on me.Am I supposed to leave him? Am I being delusional and he is treating me badly? Or is it my fault because I don't consider his feelings? Do I overreact?
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female
reader, ValeJ12  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 I've heared of many stories like this.. This Sounds like a co-dependant relationship.. I'm not a professional but in a co-dependant relationship both partners are hurting eachother but cannot leave eachother and are afraid of being without eachother. I've learned a lot about relationships in psych class and when we brought up relationships like this my teacher would always say "stay away" "end it". It's not healthy for you or for him. A healthy relationship is supposed to be comforting for both of you and trusting and full of patience.. If he's threatened to hit you and has hurt you in any way because of his anger problems then it's time to go before this gets worse.. I KNOW it's hard but it's for the best.. I hope the best for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): You both overreact and need to start acting like loving, caring, responsible ADULTS if you want to have any chance at happiness.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (22 June 2011):
 I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. We have an 8 year age gap and sometimes I feel like that makes me behave childishly.
The age gap does not make you act childishly. You act that way because you want to. You are in control of your emotions, no one else.
You moved in with him without really knowing him.
The anger is a HUGE issue. You have STRANGERS worrying about YOUR safety! He does not have to actually HIT you to HARM you. His actions of hitting walls, breaking phones, touching you in ANY way in anger or intimidation is ABUSE.
He is on probation now and he is given anger management classes and how to treat women, so he is getting help.
Has he had a problem with anger or mistreatment of women in his PAST?
He wants to control all your time, who you spend it with and spies on you. He wants to OWN all your time.
That is YOUR time, and it is your choice whether or not to give it to him.
He does not treat you like an equal. All of YOUR time is his, but he does not have to answer for his choices or time to you?
He is manipulative and possible mentally unwell for threatening you with his suicide if you left.
He has you right where he wants and needs you. That is NOT love. He is wrapping his actions up in the words of love and trying to convince you that all is well.
It was VERY childish of you to trash the home. Shame on you.
You let YOUR anger get control of you. That only makes matters worse, not better. The satisfaction you get from an act like that is temporary at best and often makes you feel WORSE later.
You did apologize and that is a great thing to do..but answer this questions. WHY do you want him back?
Be specific. What has he done for you? Is that WORTH the abuse? Because that is the price you are paying for that "care".
HIS actions have been rubbing off on your and making YOU an abuser too. See how it is a cycle that keeps going and gets worse and worse?
How BAD does it have to be until you decide you have had enough? Where do you draw the boundary?
Meanwhile, you are apologizing and putting yourself in a position to have more patience with him. You are making EXCUSES for yourself AND him now.
Am I supposed to leave him? Am I being delusional and he is treating me badly? Or is it my fault because I don't consider his feelings? Do I overreact?
You overreacted with trashing his belongings. That was uncalled for. Yes, he has been treating you badly. That is his choice to! He is an adult, not a child who needs to be loved MORE to behave. He is not a personal project, he is supposed to be in control of his OWN temper. Why are you taking responsibility for it?
Do you really think if you are more patient, understanding etc..he will be kinder and more considerate.
His anger issue is about HIM, not you.
Strangers, friends, etc are telling you that he is no good for you. How come you do not believe them?
What hold does this man have on you, that you are willing to sell him your self esteem and safety to be with him?
Please wake up, get out, and get safe. Enough already.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, kitty85 +, writes (22 June 2011):
HeyIt sounds like you are in a tough situation. I really do sympathize. It isnt easy deciding when to end a relationship or keep at it. First of all don't beat yourself up. Of course you should care about your emotions, they are yours! and just as valid as his. Ok, so maybe you flow off the handle once. You are only human. You were angry, something that everybody feels sometimes.You say he has underlying issues causing the anger, have you considered talking about counselling with him? either together or him having individual counselling?You say he has never hit you, but i am concerned at the displays of anger you describe. Punching a wall? breaking your possessions? you must have been terrified! If this was a close friend telling me this, i would be very concerned for her safety and i would advise her to go to a safe place.Also i sense (i could be wrong) that he is slightly emotionally abusive? saying he would commit suicide if you left? that is an awful thing to say to your partner.I think he has alot of issues to resolve. If he doesn't want to get help for himself or refuses, i would cut your losses (as cruel as that may sound) Ultimately it is only himself who can sort out his anger issues. You are not being selfish and it is not your fault. You are trying to do the best you can in a hard situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): You're in a very toxic relationship with a very toxic individual. He may have his endearing moments, but they do not cancel out his nasty ones. Hitler supposedly loved animals and didn't eat meat. If this is true should we just overlook all the harm he caused?
I suggest you end it with him, patch things up with your family and work toward becoming financially independent enough to live on your own.
And men who date much younger women have ZERO right to complain about their 'youthful' behaviour. That is all part of what they signed up for. If they want someone more 'mature', they can date someone their own age.
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