A
male
age
41-50,
*oy-with-a-lost-heart
writes:Hi people, I'm a 26 year old guy, and thought I'd write here to get some advice on my relationship with my girlfriend (23) of 6 years. During this time together, we have had our ups and downs, and as most couples do, broken up to make up again. Usually our tiffs last a maximum of 2 weeks!But there was a period in our relationship (Our second year together) when it got too much for me (all the arguing) and I split up with her for 3-4 months. However, the time apart made me realise how much I did love her, and tried to work things out. It took a long time to win her back, made all the harder as there were other guys about who were trying to date her. But in the end she chose me and we got back together.Now onto recent events.We had a row over nothing about 5 weeks ago, it turned very aggressive, and it ended with me pushing her onto the bed. I'm ashamed that I got physical, but was very frustrated. I don't condone violence, and would never hit her. In the end she walked out of my house and vowed that this was it.At the time I was angry at her, and didn't care what she said. But the next day when I'd calmed down, I regretted my actions and what I said.I didn't call her or text her as I knew she'd still be angry as she's very stubborn. I gave it a week, and decided to call her to see if I could pick her up from work so that maybe we could talk.She was still fuming, and said there was nothing to talk about.In the end, we both agreed that she needed more time.So a month on, and I'm still at square one!She's not talking to me, if she does pick up, it's only to say things like it's my fault etc She's not reasoning with me at all. I know I'm the one in the wrong, and I've apologised and said I'll make it up.But she keeps saying it isn't about me or how I feel. She needs the time to think and will talk when she is ready. But I'm thinking it's been 5 weeks, I mean how much more time does she need??Surely if she cared enough about me, or the relationship, she'd be willing to sacrifice her pride and talk with me?!I don't know what to do?Should I give her more time? 5 Weeks is a long time, what if she loses interest during this time apart or meets someone new?Should I face facts that maybe she doesn't really care anymore, and is just keeping me hanging until something better comes along?I thought that on Valentine's Day (5 weeks on) I'll be able to take her out to dinner and show her how sorry I am. But not only will she not come out, but she refuses to see me at all. I bought her a card, and a gift and said I'd drop it by her house but she said if I do that then I'm not respecting her need.She keeps saying that I'm pushing her into getting back with me.Is she right? am I deluded?
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male
reader, DSand  +, writes (19 February 2009):
I feel your pain. I have been in a 5 year relationship with the same 3 month hiatus in the 3rd year, following by a 6 week hiatus in the 4th, and now one in the 5th...You are not deluded. During all of the gaps I mentioned, I gave my girl her space after she ended it and she came back every time, and she is as stubborn as can be. She really is. I think that pushing a girl is pretty bad, but in the same regard, they could try to scratch and punch us and it wouldn't be as big of a deal. I think what you did was wrong, but just like her, you are human and experienced a moment where you couldn't self-contain your biochemistry. I wouldn't say this is alarming as long as it is the first and ONLY time. You should keep on giving her space and remember to really make a mental note of never being that aggressive again-as mentioned before. DON'T BOMBARD HER WITH EMAILS OR MESSAGES IN ANY WAY. At best, you will inflate her ego in some aspect and will make yourself seem undesirable. Despite being in a relationship that long, I have learned that even someone we are that close to will usually not swallow his/her pride right away and put on the biggest front.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): i think you are very bright and not deluded,however you have been stupid twice (at least). Give her space - love is an emotion, not a decision.Space is her call not yours - if you love her, then you will wait. if she see you waiting and giving her space then good. as for the valentines effort - no. that will make it worse. stay away from her. there is nothing to see. move on. go and get busy do something else that requires you to think instead and then you wont have time to think of her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): Your gf sounds upset, determined and strong. Personally if it's been 5 weeks, I think she's done with the relationship. That's blunt I know and I am sorry, but I think you have no choice to leave her alone, as she has requested you do. I thinks she's thinking that nothing ever justifies, pushing a female around, even if it's done in frustration. One can choose to control our reactions in arguments with others, can't we. She's likely has deep concerns about what you did. You can’t act as if you had no wish to end the relationship when you undertook relationship ending actions.
You could wait but it may be a waste of time. Give her a time frame..tell her if she's not ready to talk in 3 weeks about reconciling or trying to start talking, then you will be moving on.
Just understand, you can't push her into something she is having some doubts about. If she does come back, then make a mental note to never, ever get so angry that you push her like this again. Learn from it. If she doesn't come back, then realize she's no longer on the same page as you and you need to heal, recover and just let go.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (14 February 2009):
 give her her space. You cannot put a time limit to how she feels. You just have to take the chance of her ending it, then its something you have to accept. But honestly, by you pushing the situation and not giving her time to think, you are being too clingly and this is pushing her away. She needs the time to know if she misses you and if she can live with or without you. If she's moved on then your relationship is not meant to be.
I say don't go by her house, or call her. No contact. But i would make an exception on Valentines day. Send her flowers (don't give it to her). have it delivered, with a note saying "I'm sorry..please give me another chance. Until then, I will give you your space." and of course an I love you would be nice. After that, let her come to you cause the ball is in her court.
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A
female
reader, CarrieBradshaw  +, writes (14 February 2009):
 Firstly, no I don't think you are deluded. It takes time for women to come round again and to establish trust that something like that will never happen again. Agression or any type of violence, no matter how minor, can seriously affect and ruin a relationship as unfortunatly domestic violence is a common issue, although what you did seemed rather unintentional and in the spur of the moment. I think what you need is a chat and to further appologise and explain your feelings and that you deserve another chance. If you have difficulty communicating by phone, perhaps write her a letter and explain how sorry you were and wish to start again. If you do not get a reply within a week try again but do not keep on bombarding her and acting neurotic.
Best of luck!
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