A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was analyzing my own behaviour the other day and I began to wonder if I was controlling or not.I dont have to know where my boyfriend is or what he is doing at all times. I am fine with him having a social life. What does bother me is not knowing about his emotional wellbeing. If he doesnt tell me about things like him having a panic attack at school or him feeling lost and confused/depressed until days or even a week after it has happened, I get quite upset inside. I feel as though I need to know everything that bothers him substantially, so I can make an effort to help.I know I dont smother, because I asked him bluntly and he said no, Im really good at helping him relax. So why does not knowing his emotional state freak me out so much?? Its almost like I feel like I could lose him if Im not feeling connected... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 November 2011):
I don't think you are controlling either, but I think you need to face the facts that he isn't wired like you. Sometimes it might take him a few days to process things in order to be able to share them with you, or anyone else for that matter.
He isn't sharing because he doesn't care about you. It's most likely much deeper then that. He doesn't want you to see him as being "weak" or "helpless". So he shares when he feels like he "overcame" (got over) the obstacle.
All you can do is let him know you are non-judgemental and always there to talk to.
I agree with person12345 - specially her last paragraph. Don't push him, but let him know when he DOES share that you appreciate it.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Nope, your not controlling, your in love and you worry about him. That's a deep kind of love your able to feel. It's a bit like being a mother. Don't worry, I'm the same, guys like it, but at the same time they hate it. Like a said, it's a mother kind of loving, and they hate when mothers fuss and worry that they might get cold, upset or somebody might hurt them. You sound like a nice person, don't ever change, it takes a kind heart to feel that way. Try to let him grow in his own way, you can't live his life and make the world safe, you can't protect him from all dangers.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 November 2011):
 I don't think controlling is what's happening here. Sounds like you're hurt because you feel like he doesn't want to open up to you.I'm about to launch into some generalizations here, this obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but I'm not adding a clause to every sentence.Guys tend to handle this stuff differently. While girls tend to want to go vent to their friends and talk about it, guys tend to like to retreat to their man caves and sulk alone. This is even more so in relationships, especially new ones. A lot of guys are worried that if they talk to their girlfriends too much about negative things or negative feelings, their girlfriend won't find them as manly and masculine.It might help him to reassure him by say, asking him to fix a gadget for you or hook up your TV to something. It's silly and old-fashioned, along the lines of "oh my, my small girlish hands can't seem to get this pickle jar open!" But guys like to fix things, and I think it makes them feel good to fix stuff for their women.In the meantime, here are some ways to help him open up. If he ever does share something like this with you, don't jump on him to interrogate him. Keep quiet except for the short one word reassuring whatever. Don't make a big deal of it, just be reassuring. Good places to open up, long car rides at night, long aimless walks, anywhere you can sit or stand alone where you don't look directly at each other. You can heighten the effect this creates by sitting lower than him. You can also try a nice full body massage where he lies on his stomach. You can ask some questions, but don't push or interrogate. Make sure he knows you'll always be there for him and want to help, but don't finish that thought with a question about his emotional well-being.The point here is that you want to reward positive behavior, waiting for him to open up. Even if it's weeks after an incident, you don't want to get upset and ask why he didn't tell you earlier, you want to reassure him and reward him. Just say, "I'm really glad you told me that and that it means a lot to me that you'd share." The point here is NOT to pull information. So no probing. No interrogating, especially if he starts to open up. You have to let him come to you and then reward it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (17 November 2011):
 I don't think that you are 'controlling'. I would say, you feel this way because you care a deal great for him. Being aware that he does have panic attacks and bouts of depression, would make you more concerned than normal, which is why you feel the need to know whats going on with him all the time. Ask him to promise to let you know, if he feels that you are becoming too intense with your concern.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): I dint think you are controlling but maybe too much
Of a caretaker. It's easier to fix others then ourselves
I know about that
Try to focus back on yourself for a bit
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