A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend now for almost two years. We have lived together now for exactly one year. She has a five-year-old son who I love very much that also lives with us. When she moved here we discussed the roles I would play with her son and what my responsibilities were. The agreement we came to was that I would help her out when she needed by babysitting when my work schedule permitted and financially as much as was feasible.I never minded doing anything I could to help and eventually took on a complete parental role on my own, with which her son now views me as one of his primary care-takers. I feel as though I did way more than what was pre-discussed and did so willingly. I have been doing the things every parent does. I worked a full time job and picked him up from school when I was available. I bought him food when we were running low, I drove two hours to take him to the state where his grandparents live every weekend because my schedule permitted me to while my girlfriends schedule did not. I gave up shifts at work to watch him because money was tight and I suffered drastically from this financially. I split the cost of childcare for months and months when my girlfriend was struggling. Every shred of my spare time was spent being a parent, which I loved.I have just begun school again for the second time and it's essential that I accel in my program. I work a part time job on the weekends, and babysit every free afternoon I have if I am not in class, while my girlfriend works a full-time job. I pick him up every afternoon from school and either watch him until she comes home or let the babysitter come to the house and pick him up so I can go to class. I feel like I am literally doing everything a parent does, emotionally, financially, and physically, with the exception of a few doctors bills and his school lunch money. So when her tax return became finalized, I didn't feel unjustified to ask for a tiny, insignificant percentage of it back, considering we shared completely in the raising and well being of her son. We split every bill in the house and childcare and food. We do not have a joint bank account therefore it's not like we are both able to access the money. I literally felt as though I got used and it was very upsetting.I do acknowledge that she paid for a decent amount more than I did for his medical expenses and a few other things. But I spent a very decent amount of money on him, not knowing the exact figures considering I don't keep track of every penny. It just seemed upsetting to me that I did all of that and she felt that I deserved nothing in return. On a side note, her sons father owes five grand in back pay for child support. When he files his taxes it will all go straight in her pocket. Problem is, he's a dead beat, and for years has refused to file simply because he doesn't want to let her have that money. So she offered to give this man a thousand dollars of her return just to simply do what he's supposed to do as a man and a father and file. Yet the person who's over here actually helping raise her child and bend over backwards to maintain a job, childcare and school gets the shaft. Maybe I am unreasonable. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I don't deserve anything. But that's the point of this really long post. To find out if I am completely unjustified. I'm not opposed to hearing I'm wrong. Thanks.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 You are completely justified to feel the way you do. She is taking you for granted on some levels. You should at least tell her what you've told us and see how she responds. Maybe it never occurred to her that you're feeling this way because you love her and you love her son. It could be an honest oversight on her part but you won't know until you bring it to her attention. Good luck.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 No I dont think you are wrong at the end of the day it would be nice if she showed that you were appreciated. You should be very proud of yourself taking on another mans child and being a role model in his life. You are his father figure and by the sounds of it a very good one, so just remember that what you have done is a wonderful thing and hopefully someday that child will grow up and realise just how much you have done for him. Therefore keep praising yourself in what wonderful work you are doing.
However this thing about the money really seems to be getting you down and I can understand that. Therefore you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. It is not her responsibility to be giving her ex money and if she went to the courts he would be made pay child maintenance.
I understand that you really want to feel appreciated, and if it were me i would appreciate every small thing you do for that child. You need to tell her every tiny feeling that you feel it will make you feel better to get it of your chest. Goodluck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): The way I see it you and your girlfriend made agreements that you stuck to and now your wondering where the benifits of doing all of that is? what is your reward? I have a child myself and when I am dating people I like to think me and my daughter is enough. I understand parental roles can be tough and over whelming at times. However, I couldn't imagine paying someone back for the things they done for us. I would like to think they done those things for us because they wanted to whether I was struggling or not. Now if your girlfriend only takes and isnt willing to pay for anything and is throwing a pity party that she cant afford anything then that may make me bitter in itself. If your girlfriend is doing what she can and you are doing what you can though that should simply be enough. I have always enjoyed doing things for the people I love and have never and would never want anything in return. I would feel like I was doing the things I was doing because I had to other wise and not out of love. Also, I will say her giving her sons dad money is obsurd!! not because she should give you that money but simply because he OWES HER that. She needs to grow some balls and take care of herself and her baby.
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