A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy on a dating website 2 months ago, we met after a week and kept seeing each other every weekend. At first it was a but bumpy and he wouldn't text for days, he works away in the week n so we would only see each other on weekends. He calls me his girl and that but we've never officially had the talk to say we're together. Anyway, ive remained on the site and I've still replied to messages on there now n again. It's mostly been chit chat but as soon as they ask to meet or anything I ignored them because I wanna make it work with him. Last night we were watching tv and an advert for the site come up, so he asked when was the last time I messaged a guy on there and I said i replied to a message about two weeks ago, he was shocked, got his stuff and left. I text him to say come back and that it was nothing bad but he told me it's over and he never wants to see me again. I continued to text him to say he's overreacting but he's told me to delete his number and leave him alone. Im absolutely devastated. I know I shouldn't have messaged those guys in respect to him but at the same time we hadnt made us official. Am I completely in the wrong and deserve this? Or is he overreacting? Also how can I get him to see that I don't want anyone else but him? I've offered to delete my account, even my fb to make him happy but he won't listen to me.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (18 October 2011):
OP, I see several red flags. For one, I think it is a bit too soon for this guy to be throwing the "I love you" out there. You only met two months ago and have only seen each other on weekends? Plus he wouldn't text for days at at time early on? Major warning sign there.
Then he is acting wishy washy, not accepting your offer to see him on Friday. He also flew off the handle when he found out you were messaging (but not seeing) other men.
Sorry, that does not add up. If he truly loved you he would be understanding, wouldn't have jumped to conclusions, and would be thrilled to see you again.
I stand by my original advice, I suggest moving on. This guy sounds like he has emotional issues and insecurities to deal with, which is something I personally wouldn't want to deal with so early on in a relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers! He has deleted his account, he did this a few weeks ago. Last night we talked briefly, I asked him how does he feel for me and he said 'I love u'. So in reply to that I said then we have to make it work because we're amazing together, and he replied saying yeah maybe. So I offered to give him space this week and see him on Friday when he's home like normal but he replied with 'I'll just speak to you soon'.I understand he's not going to fall back into our normal routine because we've technically split up and I know he's hurt. Do you think this sounds like an improvement or is he just saying this to shut me up?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): I find it odd he never mentioned taking down his own profile (did he?), or didn't mention not seeing others, and he would disappear on you for days yet blocks you out because you messaged someone? Hmmm...sounds like he was using that as an excuse to not see you anymore. Maybe he met someone off the site.
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 It's a tricky one...I met my new BF on line, things moved very quickly in that we had sex on the first date, but were still together and things are great.We had the discussion, after he had spent the night and wanted to see me the next day. Went along the lines of if you meet someone on a dating site and go out for a date and nothing happens you would continue talking to other people. However, because we had, had sex he told me his intention was to delete his profile and not see anyone else. I told him, I would do the same, but because I had been chatting to other people and didn't want to be rude and just disappear that I would like to send those people messages to say "sorry but I'm now seeing someone and I can't continue these discussions but good luck!" he accepted that and I deleted my profile.So I honestly think, if you haven't crossed the intimate line (not talking a quick snog) and you haven't had that discussion then it's ok to talk, and even to an extent go out on a date. In your case you didn't go outbox dates, you didn't know where you stood and whilst it was a month you only spent the odd date together.Sounds a bit like over reaction to me, but if you slept with him and were chatting to other people then I think it's a little different.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (17 October 2011):
As someone who 1. has been cheated on and 2. has experience with dating websites, I have to disagree with the advice from 19reginna84.
The analogy I draw with dating websites is that they're like speed dating. You can get to know several different people and, hopefully, find someone you have good chemistry with in the process. So anyone who is on a dating website should expect that the people they're in contact with are also in contact with others. This practice is perfectly normal and acceptable, and just messaging people is a very innocent activity given you are single. In fact, I'd be a bit worried about someone who focuses on one person too quickly.
Secondly, as the OP stated there was no agreement to be exclusive or even that they were an official couple. That is something that cannot be assumed, it has to be verbalized and accepted by both parties. The two of you were very early into the relationship and had not discussed this, so he should not have assumed he was the only one. There in fact was no cheating and you didn't even meet these other guys - you were just messaging them.
OP, in my opinion this guy is completely overreacting and you are in fact better off without him. It is better to be rid of someone who is so insecure that he's going to fly off the handle over a minor issue like this one. This guy clearly has some emotional issues, and lacks confidence. I would not try to get him to see your side, I'd just move on and look for someone more emotionally stable.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 I'm guessing that even though you both never had that talk about it being official he just figured in his head that it was going the right direction and he probably automatically thought that you would have stopped using the site as soon as you had started getting on well with him. I guess it has hit is confidence in himself and it sounds like he might have some trust issues, maybe something to do with his past. Possibly he just needs some time to calm down. Write him a letter and explain to him what you have done on here, tell him it was just chit chat and that as soon as some one asked for a date you ignored them. Tell him it was nothing to do with looking for someone else you where just having conversations and that was all it was.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): I'm going to make a guess that he's been hurt before by cheating.
I do think that it wasn't right to continue to message men on the dating site if you were thinking you wanted to make it work. Chit chat on a forum about interests like cars or games or knitting or whatever is one thing. But chit chat on a dating site where people go to actively look for dates is another.
I know you say it wasn't official, but I'm thinking that's just because he was testing the waters first, taking it slow.
So I say, yes, you did do something wrong. His reaction really speaks loudly that he feels betrayed and has probably been betrayed before. It is a good possibility someone in his past used social networking for cheating purposes. This could absolutely be a deal breaker for him.
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