A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusedone76
writes:I met my girlfriend 1 yr ago and we've been together since then. I am 34 years old and she is 25. After we got together officially, she told me that she had sex with a guy she met at a club when we were dating. It bothered me but I accepted it because we weren't actually together yet and she did not contact that guy until 1 month ago. In our one year of relationship, she always had 1 major problem, which is my past. She just can not deal with the fact that I had relationships before. It got to the point where she did not want to be with me anymore and we broke up. I tried everything I could to convince her the past is over but it didn't work. After we broke up, I started dating another girl and my girlfriend called me and wanted to be back with me saying that the past doesn't bother her anymore. So I got back with her and she was fine for about 1 month. Then she started talking about my past again and signs of her old self started to show. Then I found out on her phone bill that she started texting that guy she slept with and I confronted her. She told me she did that to balance her suffering from my past. She said they only texted and never went out. After I found out, she texted that guy in front of me saying that "She tried to established friendship but it doesn't seem to work out. Good bye and best of luck." and he replied "I agree, you too." I really need some advice on what I should do because I really love this girl. So my question is: 1) should I call that guy and ask him what was going on with them? I am pretty sure the other guy thinks my girlfriend is single. 2) Am I blinded to think that this relationship has hope?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Same problem in my relationship. I met my BF at 25 and he was 34, 3 years ago. I think finally I'm ready to marry him as he's been wanting.
His past has hurt me beyond belief. Before we officially got together I slept with my ex bf and he slept with an ex fling. It cleared things up for me and for him to which lead to us becoming a couple officially. However, I didn't find out about the girl till 9 months after we were officially BF/GF. I also found some naked photos of him having sex with an ex.
All the visuals and stories ...everything...it still eats me to this day. The jealousy is difficult to deal with, but its the insecurity that's truly upsetting. I wonder whether the other girls had better bodies than me, tighter vagina, better breasts (some had implants)...I don't get why he's into me as I'm not as skinny as his last GF and don't have XXX size boobies like his last fling (I saw her picture).
The only thing that has helped in the last 6 months is counseling. NOw I can go at least a few days without thinking about this stuff, although it still bothers me.
One of the things my BF started doing and which I suggest you do too is complimenting her. Telling her she is the most beautiful girl you've ever dated, telling her she's the best lover you've ever had, telling her she makes you feel better than anyone else has... you see part of the insecurity is that she is comparing herself to the other women from you past and feeling like she might not be quite as good. So you have to reiterate to her that she is better than anyone ever was (looks, personality, intellect).
Do this on a daily basis. Compliments work. Not staring at other women or talking about your past helps too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): I was at one point in the same position as your gf so i think I can give some good advice with authority.
I was consumed by my partners past. I mean complelty and utterly obsessed with it. I would want to know what his relationships were like, what the women meant to him, how it ended. I also compared our relationship with the ones he had before. It got to a point where it was SO BAD that I left him. Only to calm down and come back to him again a month later.
Let me tell you, that this feel is based on OCD, your partner is obsessive about your past and she cannot help what she thinks and how she thinks. She has to really take control of her thoughts in order to change it and only then will she be free of her obsession. So interms of your relationship and her obsession with your past, it really is in her hands. And its not like you can change your past anyway.
As for the other guy. I understand what she did. She is brining a part of HER past that you dont like in order to create a balance. For me, I kept mentioning my ex in front of my bf to 'balance' things out as well. I just wanted him to know what it felt like. chances are your gf does not have any interest in him, and is only using him to even a score.
Finally, I want you to understand that this problem only comes up when someone loves/cares for you deeply. I never had a problem with the pasts of my insignificant bf's but when it came to my current bf who I loved beyond words I had a HUGE problem with is past. Why? Because I couldnt stand the fact that he held, kissed, made love to anyone other than me. Its not healthy, and its not right but its born of love.
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