A
female
age
30-35,
*ebblesb
writes:My boyfriend of almost 3 years went to Leeds festival last year. He went with his single lad friends - I had no worries as I trusted him and only asked he called/text me when he could and no girls in his tent.It went pear shaped - I barely heard from him. He had girls in his tent - nothing happened but he did try to lie/not tell me about it.At the time I told him he can never put me through that again as I was distraught as was his mum as we didn't hear from him.He didn't ask, he told me yesterday he is going again this year. I didn't want to argue so I said nothing but I dont want him to go. He had his chance to show me he wont take advantage of my trust and hr did. Am I being unreasonable? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 Ok I'll weigh in as a woman who likes daily contact....
I think you are being unreasonable.
Just because girls stay in a tent does not mean that hanky panky is going on...
IF there are NO trust issues... why is this a problem.
Yes it was inconsiderate of him to let you think he was dead in a ditch for three days. (I mean come on that is what you were thinking isn't it?) but you didn't think he was out cheating on you did you? AND if you did think that then you are deluding yourself that there are no trust issues.
He should have sent a text saying he arrived safely. That's common courtesy... but other than that... he was out and about with friends....
I just went on a 3 night four day trip... I left my husband home and he did not expect daily contact from me while I attempted it.... it annoyed him more that i was not having fun with my friend because I was trying to contact him.
the reason he TOLD you he was going this time was two fold.
1. he's letting you know that he's still independent and you have NO say in what he chooses to do.
2. he did not wish to fight with you about it.
I'm not sure HOW you think he TOOK ADVANTAGE of your trust?
Perhaps what you need to say is 'honey I'm glad you are going with your friends. I worry about you when I don't hear from you so could you at least send me a text once every 24 hours to let me know you are ok?"
and if he does not... do not blow a fit but when he gets home ask him why that was too difficult to handle... his answer may be enlightening for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): But if there were no trust issues then why all the demands? I mean I'd understand if he'd maybe had history before as to why you'd worry but 2 1/2 years of a relationship where he hasn't broken your trust should have been enough to look past it and not worry about girls in his tent.
It is inconsiderate to you, what he did. I get that and he said he would so he should have. I just think as far as trust goes you have no reason to distrust him for being inconsiderate.
Now if your problem was that you were worried about his safety and that's why you're so freaked out then I could understand that. But your original question is about trust. I'd be pissed too if it was peace of mind I was after and I got nothing for so long. It just sounded like you were being demanding, when it's very easy to get carried away being drunk and high for that long. I mean the last one I was at is still a bit of a blur. 3 days of LSD, ecstasy, weed and amphetamines to keep us awake. When we got home we continued for another day because the speed kept us awake so we decided not to waste that time. We pretty much spent the next two days in a coma before another week of a nightmare comedown with plenty of sedatives to take the edge off. It was literally about a week in total before I could even attempt to speak to a "normal" person about anything.
Literally the worst thing imaginable in that kind of state is talking to someone who is not on the same level. I've seen lives ruined by people doing that. I've seen people lose relationships from being stupid enough to call their partner in that state. If you think you worried about no contact just wait until you hear the shit that comes out of the mouth of a person who has been binging for three or so days.
My point is OP, unless you know he was being deliberately inconsiderate and wasn't just carried away then I don't see any reason to worry about him going again. If he's with a good group who look out for each other, then he'll be safe as you can be. Just let him know how worried you were and stress the importance of him letting you know how he's doing, no matter what state he's in and he'll probably think of it.
I say just go with him. You surely like festivals? Go and have a fun yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): You're being dramatic. I'll take your word that he didn't contact you for three whole days. We can't get his side of any of this. Just what you say.
Maybe that's how much time he needed to really have a good time and shake off his tension and regroup. He obviously needed it.
I'm reading your post and subsequent comments. I understand how you feel.
In all honesty, I would be upset with a three-day period of silence. At the same time, I have a hard-time always thinking the worst of someone I think loves me. I feel you'll always find one reason or another to fight with your boyfriend; and he needs a vacation from YOU!
I would also do some introspection, and wonder why he would need it? It isn't always about cheating. It is sometimes about the quality of your relationship.
If you really felt it was good, you wouldn't be so insecure. You're not a child, and you know exactly what happens at music festivals. People get crazy, drunk, or high.
It's all high energy and losing your mind. Letting go of responsibility; but for a short span of time in your life. If you'd loosen up and do it yourself sometime, you'd understand.
You spend so much time keeping a short-leash on your boyfriend; you're uptight, tense, and possessive.
I'm sure there will be other women who will agree with how you feel. That doesn't make it entirely right. Just that you might have people who see it your way.
If you don't feel you can really trust him. When will your mind reach the practical conclusion; that maybe you feel deep inside he is untrustworthy; and not your compatible match? The reasonable solution to that, is to breakup.
You're going to have some time alone to think about that.
I suggest you take a lone-vacation to even the score. See what it feels like to have your identity back, be free of spirit; and be a whole, not a half. Literally have FUN without fighting, bickering, or nagging.
Oh, I forgot!!! That means leaving him alone, and he might cheat on you. My bad!
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female
reader, pebblesb +, writes (17 February 2014):
pebblesb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes totally. But no contact for 3 days when we never had trust issues before to me is pure awful...? I was not bothered about him going as he has been abroad with them the year before and rang me etc when I didnt expect it so for him to go away for 7 days and to barely hear from him after the first day was awful. Him doing that to me even thougg I WAS the mosy laid back gf ever. I feel like hes taking mr for granted?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): I think you are being unreasonable. You and his mother were worried because he didn't think to contact you in the middle of a three day binge of drinking, music and possibly drugs?
I couldn't even tell you my name for three days last time I went to a festival. I certainly didn't think to check in with anyone, it kind of defeats the whole purpose of the thing if you have to keep checking in with people and all sorts of people will be in each others tents, restricting him to no girls is not feasible either unless you want him to stay away from his friends who no doubt are going to be trying to pull and frankly says more for your trust in him than the fact he did anyway.
OP maybe when you go to festivals you stay sober and just go for the music. But a group of lads going there are going there to get absolutely blasted off their faces for three days and leave all the troubles of the real world behind and just enjoy the buzz.
Which is it, OP, did he lie or just not tell you about it? Because there's a difference. Lying is not on, but not telling you is not the same, given that your expectations were completely ridiculous. I mean would you mind if he was in a girl's tent? Or if he hung out in friend's tent with a bunch of girls? I honestly can't see how them being in his tent makes any difference. Sexual activity happens all over the place at a festival. I don't know how you think not having girls in his tent makes any difference to anything and was a bit of an unreasonable request if you trusted him.
It was a rule set up for disaster, because he could have easily shagged a girl in another person's tent, or behind his tent if he wanted. You kind of set him up for failure.
OP if you can't trust your boyfriend when he's around girls then it's not just the festival you have to be worried about. It's more an issue about your ability to trust him than his trustworthiness. I don't blame a guy for not telling his girlfriend he had girls in his tent when it was innocent, if it was going to have this effect, but he shouldn't have agreed to such a crazy rule in the first place.
Who knows, maybe the fact he was caught out this time means he won't do it again.
Good luck telling him he can't go. I don't think he'll listen, also good luck with him getting oin contact in the middle of a bender. There's no better buzz kill than to have to check in with your mother or paranoid girlfriend while you're trying to enjoying a session of great music filled with people having the time of their lives.
how about you just go with him this time and see for yourself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): If a guy feels smothered, he's going to do something about it.
Insecurity and distrust kills relationships; because people eventually get tired of being in one, where their partner is always worried about cheating.
You're not married. So he can walk out anytime, if he really wanted other women. Like it or not, he can let the phone rest and not reassure you on the hour. Continue complaining about it, and see what that will eventually get you.
I had a happy relationship for 28 years. I must know something.
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A
female
reader, pebblesb +, writes (17 February 2014):
pebblesb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes but he paid for a locker to charge it and his single friends had their own tent but they all ended up in the tent which I bought for him and his other friend who at the time also had a girlfriend. I dont think if you are in a committed long term relationship that " going off the radar" is childish. Surely if you need a couple of days with no contact you shouldn't be with that person? Also I think the fact he coukdnt text/ring and say "made friends with some girls.. hanging out" I csnt be mad if he is honest with me but he lied instead. And those girls didnt turn up to leeds festival with no tent. Why not stay in their own or invite the single boys back to their tent? Its really dissresoectful
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 February 2014):
 I don't think in terms of your request it's unreasonable, as it made you uncomfortable and you didn't like it. However you have to accept that he's an adult and can do what he likes to, so I don't think you could point blank say you're not going, but just share your concerns with him.
Also, stuff like that happens at festivals. I went to creamfields last year and pretty much everyone in a 10m radius just hangs out together and has a drink and a laugh, that kind of thing.
Also bear in mind that phone battery drains quickly, especially on smart phones. I was without mine for two days. There are of course facilities to charge them, but it's extortionate!
Like wise owl said, if you have trust issues with him it doesn't matter whether he goes or not as they'll always be there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): You're not being unreasonable at all. You have to remember that he is an adult and if he decides he wants to go to the festival, he doesn't need your permission.
He was with other guys? So tell me how he wouldn't have girls in his tent, if there are other guys there to invite them in? You said he didn't do anything. So get over it.
If it's a tent large enough for other people, they may just invite themselves in. He lied because he knew you'd make a big deal about it.You'd suspect he did, even if he didn't.
Sometimes guys like to fall off the radar, and not check-in like we're 9 year-old kids. I think you have to grow-up a little. The fun of the trip, is getting away from smothering/nagging wives and girlfriends. Not you, I know you're not like that. I'm just making a point here. Being able to breath, and not feel caged-in is the point.
Truthfully, if you don't trust him; you don't trust him whether he goes to the festival or not. So he may as well go.
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