A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I'm 19, and I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, he's 21. Before going out with him, I'd only had one previous sexual partner, when I was 17. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has had about 10 sexual partners. None of which he dated, they were all drunken one night stands. This didn't bother me much until recently, but 3 months ago I discovered I was pregnant, and had a termination a few weeks later. I don't think I have any issues about that, he was really supportive and we were both pretty set on our decision. But since then things he does have started to really get to me - I'm not saying its connected, I just thought it might be relevant.When he gets drunk he gets REALLY drunk, to the extent that he never remembers anything he's done the day after, and sometimes talks to me like I'm a stranger he doesn't like very much. When he's sober he is the sweetest guy in the world, but when he's drunk it's like he's a different person. I've threatened to leave him over his drinking loads of times, but he always gets really upset and apologises over and over again until I change my mind, which I always do.Recently it's been playing on my mind all the time - the girls he's been with in the past (all while he was drunk and none of which he properly remembers) and the fact that, no matter how many warnings I give him, he always eventually goes out and gets into that condition again. I feel like I don't trust him any more, like for all I know he could be doing the same things he used to and not even remember it, or claim not to remember it. I also find myself obsessing over how many girls he's been with. I went straight from my first boyfriend to him, and I genuinely love him, but he talks about us getting married and stuff quite a lot - the pregnancy spurred on lots of talk about children we would have when we were older. I'm not naive, and I know that it's probably not going to last forever. But basically, after my very long-winded explanation, I guess my questions are: Am I being unreasonable in my distrust of him and by getting angry at the drunken states he gets into? Is it unfair to get angry at him when he's drunk, when he's as lovely as he could be sober? How can I stop obsessing over girls he's been with in the past? And is it stupid to feel like I'm torn between being in love with him and the idea of feeling like I've missed out on a part of being young that he has experienced, do you think I'm always going to regret not playing the field like he has?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answering. I don't mean to portray him as an alcoholic, because he's not. It's only occasionally he goes out drinking, it's just that when he does he can't control what he drinks. I've talked to him about it over and over again and he always promises to stop drinking, which I know realistically is never going to happen. So I ask him to just to try and limit himself, like by taking a limited amount of money out with him, but it never works. I tell him he's choosing boozing over me but he always responds with claims of how much he loves me and that he tries but he just can't control himself when he starts drinking. I just really can't be bothered with the aggro of it all, especially if there doesn't seem to be much hope of the situation improving.
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