A
male
age
51-59,
*ittlemac
writes:I know I do have some OCD issues which I think may be contributing to this.I have been in love with my current GF for over 6 mos. She is 37 and was previously married for 13 years to the man that she saved herself for on her wedding day at the age of 21. After her divorce she had one boyfriend for 5 months that she had sex with. So she had a total of 2 partners that she had gone all the way with before me. Of course it bothers me thinking of her being intimate with these guys but I will get over it.I also recently learned that she had oral sex with a guy that she was dating on their 4th date. He wanted sex but she denied him realizing that it went too far. He got upset when he asked the next day to go all the way and she told him no, so that ended it between them. It just seems to be so out of her character that she did this with someone since she always makes sure that there is a monogomous relationship before becoming intimate. For example, she had 2 previous other 4 month relationships where she didnt even have sex with the guy.I know I sound like I am being lame but I guess when you care for someone this much, little things like this bother you?Any thoughts?
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male
reader, Littlemac +, writes (11 August 2014):
Littlemac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLooking back, my feelings have definitely mellowed about this issue. I learned that it was ridiculous to obsess about this one freak occurrence in my girlfriends romantic life. An incident that she took place in because she thought she had feelings for someone she was dating. No wrong in that at a I guess, it happens when adults date. I just thought it was weird that it was something so minor that clouded my mind. It could have been so much worse. I guess even the cleanest of pasts are not immune to jealousy. Thanks again for the input. Its definitely getting easier!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 July 2014):
 Every single person out there have done something they are not proud off. EVERYone has made some mistake or other, not everyones mistakes involve sex, but WE ALL mess up. It's called living.
OK so she has done something in the past you never imagined she'd be capable off.. OK so what? You want her to now walk around with her head in shame for having tested HER own limits? She isn't exactly proud of it, but she certainly have no reason to be ashamed.
Do you want her to fear telling you other things from her past? Or do you want her to feel like she can TRUST you with her story, her past and herself?
The fact that you are still "surprised" means it's still going around in circles and you still haven't fully understood that THIS... is YOUR issue. She can't change the past. YOU can't change the past so it's BEYOND moot point. All YOU can do is LEARN to let things like that go. OCD is not an excuse to grind small insignificant matters into drama.
WORK on that. WORK on your OCD (it CAN get better) WORK on your RJ.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 July 2014):
 You've been with her for 6 months. Unless you have perfected the Vulcan mind-meld, there is no way you know everything about her or vice versa.
Please tell me you haven't reviewed every sex act you ever had with another woman with your girlfriend, blow by blow. That would be over-the-top disclosure.
You need to figure out how to deal with your obsessive thinking. If it's an image that keeps popping up and you aren't able to let it go, it's time to take steps to deal with the OCD, besides "hoping it will just fade."
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A
male
reader, Littlemac +, writes (27 July 2014):
Littlemac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realize that the double standard is wrong and not fair. Its just when you hear about an instance like this after you supposedly know everything about each other, it comes as a total shock. It just seems inconceivable to me that she would engage in something that is totally out of her character and something she later was ashamed of. Its just an image that is difficult to get out of my head. Im hoping it will just fade. :/
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A
male
reader, Littlemac +, writes (19 July 2014):
Littlemac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of the thoughtful comments. I do realize that these are my own unreasonable thoughts and have to learn how to control my OCD issues. The is a wonderful woman and the perfect girl for me. I would never tell her about these thoughts because she has done nothing wrong and I would never want to hurt her feelings. Its just my own irrational feelings. I guess I was just looking for confirmation that these thoughts were indeed irrational and petty.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 July 2014):
 To the male anon-
I agree, to an extent. However, it's still not acceptable when applied to this particular scenario since the person doing the judging and holding her to a different standard is the OP, himself.
He's the one with the problem with her sexual past. His judgments are coming from him alone. What he is saying is "I don't care how many people I have slept with. My actions don't apply. However, I DO care about how many people she's slept with - despite it being way less than my number, it's still unacceptable to me." He's the one passing the personal judgment and disregarding his own behavior.
Yes, there are some obvious basic differences between men and women. I think that goes without saying and is undisputed. But the fact that this biased, and unfair standard is clearly being set by him and him alone, is what makes it worse.
It sounds as though you realize, OP, that it's in fact your OCD. That's commendable. Hopefully you will be able to control it and not ruin a wonderful thing you've got. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (18 July 2014):
Please show this column to your girlfriend so that it can serve as the basis for a discussion of the subject.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): Unfortunately men and women are born with different bodies, minds, and fit together differently on many levels. What we expect from them is never going to match up perfectly. Both sides expect some unfair things from the other if we are going to talk about true EQUALITY.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2014):
So OP you say (and I quote)
" I just think that unfortunately men and women are held to different standards."
YOU hold WOMEN to YOUR standard. YOUR choice. And if YOUR standard is more important than being with a GOOd woman, then you do not deserve her.
I have OCD myself ( mine though is a huge aversion to germs/dirt/clutter and so forth) But I DO NOT use my OCD as an excuse to do as I please. If my kids/family/friends are sick I don't stay away because I become obsessed with their germs ( I really do not like sickness and ickiness)I CONTROL myself and do what I HAVE to do to make them feel better and get better.
YOU need to work on YOUR OCD. Consider some cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which is especially useful for treating OCD. Don't make YOUR issues into HER issues. She should NOT feel bad or ashamed of her past. And I hope to goodness you don't try and make her.
And if you CAN NOT handle her sexual past STOP asking about it, tell her you don't WANT to know.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2014):
I agree with YouWish!
You wrote: "Not saying that it is right. I just think that unfortunately men and women are held to different standards."
YOU are the one holding different standards. YOU are the one who has OCD. You are the one who wrote this passive tense sentence. Here's what you really mean.
"I realize that I am wrong. I realize that I am judging her on a standard that I do not apply to myself."
You suffer from OCD and have retroactive jealousy.
Stop asking her questions about her sexual past. Your illness is setting you up for further unhappiness and even more fodder for your OCD RJ.
Decide to get help for this or let her go. Seriously.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 July 2014):
 What?! She saved herself for marriage! How much better could you have it?! There *is* no double standard unless you decide that you *want* one. In fact, I've seen where people like her who saved herself and didn't have intercourse casually would consider you "defiled" and taken off down the road.
Buddy, you need to thank your lucky stars you're with her considering you have Retroactive jealousy. Most people at her age have had at least as many sex partners as you have. She actually turned down a guy who was pressuring her for sex, and all you focus on is the fact that she had oral with him? You're the one talking about double standards, but compared to YOU, she's the Virgin Mary. You aren't going to get any better than this with your sexual history. Haven't you ever heard of the Third Date Rule? Many people make the decision to become sexually intimate after the third date. She didn't, and rejected a guy who wanted to use her for casual sex.
You talked about different standards?? How much higher can she possibly get??? In guy speak, she's still got that new car smell! She had 4 month relationships that didn't become sexual. If you're tossing about standards, the words "chaste" and "modest" come to mind. If you're complaining about that with your sexual history, then you need professional help, because if you're talking standards, she is a millimeter below virginal. You are not even in her league when it comes to sexual purity and chastity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): Well if you realise and think it's unfortunate that men and women are held to different standards , why are you contributing to that through even questioning her actions in your mind?
Nothing will ever change in women being held to ridiculous double standards until men stop Placing expectations on women like this
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A
male
reader, Littlemac +, writes (17 July 2014):
Littlemac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have actually been with 9. I realize the double standard and am
Not saying that it is right. I just think that unfortunately men and women are held to different standards.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 Not really, My current wife was pretty much 'that way' but I still love her. The past is the past what she did then was no more my business than what I did was her business.Carry on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2014):
I agree that it is UNREASONABLE for you to be mad over HER past. And a past as TAME as hers. Seriously.
No one is going to KEEP themselves "pristine" at the age of 37 because they MIGHT meet someone like you. It's unreasonable for you to have those expectation of her. How about yourself? How many have you been? Or is that not up for debate?
You need to figure out HOW to deal with your retroactive jealousy - look up the topic here on DC and look for an uncle called YOS he is VERY well versed in RJ and how to deal with it.
YOU are making a mountain out of something SHE can not change. And something that REALLY 1. isn't your business and 2. had nothing to DO with you.
I suggest YOU work on the RJ or.. you will end up alone.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 July 2014):
You have a sexual past as well. People's pasts are their pasts. If you love her as much as you say you do, then recognize that your obsession with the details of her past sex life will destroy your relationship in the present.
That would bother you more, right? That indulging your obsessions and constantly pushing for more info about her past could cause you to lose her for good? You've gotten a gift by realizing that your OCD has had a hand in this situation, so focus on the treatment of that OCD.
People's pasts are something that no one wants to revisit when they have someone new.
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A
male
reader, Littlemac +, writes (17 July 2014):
Littlemac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response. I agree that her past is extremely tame for someone her age, especially considering she went to college. I know its all in my head and cant possibly blame her for anything. Just hurts to think about since I love her so much.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 July 2014):
No, your partners past shouldn't bother you so much. Not to this extent. I don't love the thought of my partner with other people, but it doesn't bother me enough to stress over it. Of course she had a past before me. So did I! Why wouldn't she? The fact that your partner waited until her wedding day and has only slept with one other man since then? Props to her!
Maybe her going down on a guy so soon for her is a bit out of character, but so what? It was her decision to make and she did it. Don't judge her for it. It doesn't make her a slut. Far from. She's an angel in my eyes, to be quite honest.
It sounds like you're suffering from retroactive jealousy. Don't focus on what happened in the past. Focus on the present. The here and now. Your relationship with her now is what matters. Not the miniscule amount of sexual past she has.
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