A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I really hope that men in particular won’t take this question. Personally because obviously it’s not aimed at anyone and I realise that there must be good men in the world but I want to ask if any women have experienced similar to me and how they have dealt with it . I have have very limited positive experiences with men , in fact I can’t really think of more than one or two and these were brief and those where I didn’t really get to know the men well. On all other occasions where I’ve had any involvement with men in my life they have abused me and hurt me , been only concerned with sex , being sexually abused from age 11 , men have always judged me and put me down and I feel . I could understand if this were simply a matter of me attracting the wrong men but it’s not only been men I’ve been in relationships with. These men have also included the partners of friends and even work colleagues who have abused them and visited prostitutes and cheated on them I tried counselling on several occasions and one bit of advice was to look for the positive in men and try and form some positive encounters however it seemed the closer I looked the more horrible behaviour I found How do I deal with this on my own. Is there a way . Am I being unrealistic to expect almost fifty years of experience to change my thoughts and feelings at this stage . Do I just accept dying with these feelings . Am I wrong to feel this way
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 December 2018):
 Please do continue posting. Even make an account. Your clarity of thought and self understanding are refreshing. When you are okay with talking with men we will be around.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 December 2018):
 Are you being unrealistic?
In thinking that you can change your belief on how "MEN" are or meet a GOOD man at all?
I'm a strong believer that
1. abusive women AND men have an overdeveloped sense of detecting people who have been victimized before.
2. what you put out there is what can come back at you.
3. having a negative mindset on a WHOLE sex, such as men (or women) makes a person bitter and unapproachable.
4. This isn't YOUR fault alone.
I would suggest BEFORE you even consider TRYING to look for a decent man that you deal in depth with your childhood trauma of abuse. You kind of need to put yourself back together as a SURVIVOR, no longer a victim.
Once you know a pattern you see it everywhere and thus think it's the "norm", I don't think it is. But it ends up being ALL that you notice, the shitty men. Learn not not paint every man with the same brush. It's unfair. And you can't hold EVERY man responsible for what another man did to you. Case in point. My last BF before I met my husband cheated on me, with SEVERAL women. I took a good "hiatus" from dating after I broke up with him. I have dated and been with 4 men in my life, and 3 (THREE) were good decent men, ONE was a "bad apple" - I wouldn't have met my husband and started to date him if I had let the experience with the "bad apple" spoil the whole barrel.
I take SOME responsibility too. I CHOSE to date him, even if I was unsure about how I felt about him the whole time. I definitely ignored red flags, because up until then I had only had mostly positive experiences.
Changing your mindset is not going to happen overnight, neither is meeting men who ARE shitty partners. They do exist, same with shitty women.
I'd start on yourself, first. Be someone you'd WANT to be. Someone you are content with, and can love. If you can't love yourself, how can others? Yes? Add excessive and hobbies to your life. Find things that get you EXCITED. While we all can't be happy 24/7 about EVERYTHING. It is good to find things in life that are good for us and good to us. Maybe even consider volunteering. Where you help others who are "worse" off than you.
You obviously recognize "bad behavior" in men fairly easily, but what do you do with your observations? Do you give someone who treated you badly a second chance? Ignore the bad stuff? Think it's your fault that they act that way?
I don't think it's strange that you feel the way you do. I don't think I would be overly fond of men, if a man had abused me at age 11.
I should probably put a "trigger warning on here for the next part, as I will mention women who went through Hell and came out alive and found ways to move forward.
I saw an interview with Elizabeth Smart. Who was abducted, abused and help captive for a long time by a couple of nutjobs. She got free and vent (over time) from victim to survivor) now helping other victims. Then there is Jaycee Dugard who was held captive for 18 years! The list goes on. We humans are stronger than we think. No one should endure abuse. EVER. If I could fix ONE thing in the World, it would be that. No more abuse. Ever.
So in short, I'd go back to therapy. Work on yourself, body AND mind. And maybe add some volunteer work for the soul.
I'm sorry you went though Hell as a kid. That isn't your fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2018): There are good ones out there but in my opinion they are few and far between. Don't get me wrong i don't think they are all cheating, beating and abusing women but i do think you have to sift the decent ones from the shit.
I am not a man hater but i think the ones who are exempt from having any of those qualities are hard to find. I am with someone who isn't like that but that is not to say he is an angel, he has his faults as do i.
That is my honest opinion
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