A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there peopleI am engaged to a beautiful, smart and intelligent girl. Everything is great between us. The thing is, I haven't been in any serious relationships prior to this one although she has been in two very serious relationships, until her partners broke it off for various reasons. It wasn't her fault but they dumped her unfairly.She has forgotten about it and is in love with me and we look forward to a married life.There is just a small thing that bothers me a bit. Like, the other day, we were driving down and I commented about a restaurant that I liked. She went on to say that her first boyfriend had once rented out the whole restaurant on her birthday and that he bought her a lot of gifts etc...I didn't know how to react to it and just didn't respond by saying much. She then sensed my reluctance to talk about her past and asked me why I wasn't comfortable discussing it. I said that I don't have a lot of respect for people who dump girls for selfish reasons and that I don't think much of her exes, for dumping her the way she did.She then says that it is a part of her experience and past and that I should be comfortable to discuss it. I really don't see it that way although I am trying to be open to the idea. I just don't see the whole point of it.Am I being unfair in not wanting to discuss such topics or is she being unfair? I really don't know.This is the only thing that is a bit of a small issue between us.I am a very black and white when it comes to judging people who play around with people's hearts whereas she is very forgiving as a person. I think these are innate qualities that I don't think will change in either of us and I am just worried about managing such conversations in the future......
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engaged, her ex, her past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): If you are in a fantastic relationship this women should be able to read that her vivid descriptions of past romances do bother you. Its called non verbal communications. In my case my boyfriend of three years only knew about my relationships but not the full hd picture description. I know it would really bother him and hurt him he cant cope with that kind of a thing very well. And when I asked him about his past relationships he said that he was romantically involved and didn't do or say anything to them to hurt them in any way. No abnormal sex with anybody else. And even talking about that brought tears to his eyes. Do you get what I am trying to say here. We also never compared our intimacy with any other person. I could talk about it but he couldn't and it wouldn't take long before he broke down like a blubbering baby. It is really no big deal and not worth talking about. Anyways my present boyfriend is way better than my x s ever were. But sometimes you just got to keep that your own secret. I would ask her why she has to go to instant re play all the time? I don't think that's normal unless she is wanting you to come up to the pump on some techniques or issues. If it is not tell her to stop talking about it. Enough is enough. Its in the past and start building a future today.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): You cannot win this.
If you tell your GF that you don't want to hear about her past, then you are the bad guy.
But if you let her talk about it and then it bothers you, then you are the bad guy for that too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Thank you for both the answers. I am the person who asked this question. In response to the second one, I did try that approach. I asked her if any of her ex's talked about their past to her and she said that they did and even shared intimate details and that she was fine with it.I guess I just have to try to be more open minded about this in the future, to not hurt her feelings and understand where she is coming from.It is hard to do but I guess I have to learn how to handle it. There was another occasion where I met up with her old friends and she mentioned something about her first boyfriend. I found it pretty awkward that she would talk about her first boyfriend in front of her friends but I tried to forget about it although it didn't really sit well with me. She has also told me that she will try not to blabber but she requested me to be more tolerant if it happens in the future.Once again, thanks for your answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Hi, just let her talk it through and dont get too into the details. I would have responded he sounds romantic. End of discussion.
You cannot ignore her past as it exist but you are right not to make it part of your future.
Tell her she can have an open discussion about her past and then you want her to put it in the past as thats where it belongs. Try not to get emotion or let it upset you.
You sound like a good person, woman are just emmotional creatures and like to express everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): The key to resolving this is to put yourself in each other person's shoes. Ask her if she was comfortable discussing her exe's previous girlfriends, and how she would feel if/when they were randomly included into the conversation in the current relationship. That might make her see your totally natural point of view. On the other hand, she probably still has healing to do over those past people that hurt her and talking about it probably helps her distance herself and get some closure. I've been on both sides of that coin, and its a tricky one. Being sensitive to each others feelings is the most important thing. You need to understand that she doesn't want to feel like you are forcing her to hide a dirty secret, and she needs to understand that its hard for you to be compared to previous boyfriends as you're THE man in her life. Over time I think the issue will fade as her memories become more distant and you create new ones together, as long as she doesn't try to manipulate you by comparing you or your actions to the exe's - that is a HUGE foul!
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