A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My flatmate's boyfriend had been here Every. Single. Night. In. The. Past. Three. Weeks. Occasionally, after a braai or two (she likes to host parties on weekends), even his brother will stay over for the weekend!! When the boyfriend would start visiting a few times she asked if it was okay and I said sure, why not. Because I understood how she'd miss him occasionally and that she'd want company other than me from time to time. At the time I thought it'd be like one or two nights per week. Then it started increasing. Now he lives with us. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this guy. If anything, he's the most sweetest, quietest person I've ever met. He doesn't leave any messes behind, he eats only her food and he stays locked in her room so I hardly even see him! Despite this, I still get annoyed just by the thought of his presence - like I can't be free in my own flat because there's a dude quietly lurking somewhere. When I had put up the ad in serach of a room, I specified that I wanted a female flatmate, because I'd feel more comfortable. I feel like I'm living with a male and female now. She's called me the best flatmate she's ever had, but now I feel they are abusing my kindness. It might also be the fact that their in their 20s and much older than I am (I'm only 18 and it's my first year of college). Am I being unfair by being annoyed at this situation? Is my irritation just? Because he never even bothers anyone. How do I put forth my arguement without sounding unfair?
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (29 May 2014):
 Hi Noli,
Glad its sorted out now. Im guilty myself of being too nice at times and too keen to make a good impression. Nothing wrong with that BUT others can sometimes take advantage. Its often not so much meant to be like that on their part, rather we are too keen to oblige.
Im glad your flat mate was fair and decent about it. Just make sure she sticks to it. As it is your flat she needs to respect that.
Mark
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. Thanks a lot, Mark. I took your advice and talked to her last night. It was no big deal to her (well, at least she made it seem that way) so I was stressing about nothing really. So he'll only stay two nights on the weekend from now on, and he no longer keeps the keys. This was on my terms. I thought about what you said about how we only realise much later on the mistakes we've made in the past and have decided that maybe I shouldn't be too linient with everything, since it also is, according to the contract, my flat too now. While I'll keep being a nice person, I won't let myself become a pushover too. Thanks.
Noli
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (26 May 2014):
Hi
Unfortunately this is a common problem with flat mates. Sharing a house/flat with someone you are not in a relationship with can be difficult at times, especially is you don't know the other person well. I do think this is a bit unfair on her part yes.
Flat mates need to give and take, but she seems to have taken over quite a bit. Maybe this is where the age gap comes into play - she may think, as she is older than you, that she is the one who is, for the want of a better word, in charge. That's completely wrong of course, but its how people often do think in that situation.
Is this lad who is living there contributing financially? If he is staying permanently then its not fair on you to be paying your half of the rent and bills while he lives their for nothing. As you say he himself isn't a problem as such as he is the model flat mate....but he isn't your flat mate!
You really need to speak to your friend. Explain that you feel things have got out of hand and that you feel you lack privacy, feel uncomfortable and that you entered into the agreement believing it would be two women living together not two women and a man. Also three is a crowd in that situation. They are a couple, you are not part of that. As a young women, presumably new to flat renting, you have every right to feel vulnerable by this guy lurking around your home.
I do think she has manipulated you a bit by buttering you up. Calling you the best flat mate ever is a sign she already, consciously or subconsciously, knows she is overstepping the mark. She has taken advantage of your kindness.
The most frustrating aspect of this type of situation is that we often look back and realise we have been part of the problem. We come to realize we were too keen to please and too willing to agree to things we should not have done to avoid disagreement.
Talk to her and explain how you feel. Maybe you could agree on nights of the week when her BF could come round, set some rules and ensure you both stick to them. If she is having parties at the flat most weekends and so forth then she needs to bear in mind your needs and feelings too.
Mark
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