A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am back dating. I am looking for a longterm relationship. I have a good amount of male attention as I know younger and guys my age find me attractive and Im open and honest and told a great friend. I do feel like maybe Im not getting things right and that good guys might be passing me by. Im fussy about who I meet online. Im looking for a professional guy with his own place and looking for a relationship. Similar guys tend to be just out of a relationship and not alone for long. Should I be more open minded and give these separated/newly single guys a chance. It seems to me that decent guys are never single for long as they don't fare as well as women as being alone for long. What are your thoughts on here? Thank you for any insight in advance. I appreciate your time to reply x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2016):
 I think dating "separated/newly single guys" only adds more complications, than you might want. Someone who is separated is NOT single, yet. He might not LIVE with his wife, but in the eyes of the law (and if you are religious) in the eyes of God, they are STILL married and will be until that divorce is final. So not only will the guy be trying to process the end of a marriage, they will be going through a divorce (or thinking of going through a divorce), worrying about their kids (if they have any), financial trouble of being separated, etc., and then date you. Which means your emotional well being will NOT be the top priority. Nor are they able to fully commit.
So personally, I would NEVER date a separated man.
A newly single guy, well - some stay in relationships long after the relationship is actually "over" so some are already done with the detachment and grieving and READY to date, others... are not. So a guy might still try and be "the good guy" and support his now ex, financially and emotionally - which again means... YOU are not the priority. OR they aren't REALLY looking for another long term relationship, yet.
If I were you, I'd keep being "picky" (you don't sound picky by the way, in your criteria) and when you DO meet someone who seem like a good match - GO SLOW.
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (29 January 2016):
I'd say that you're right to avoid separated or newly single men but I understand your frustration - a truly decent guy does not stay single for long if he's on the market and it feels that we might miss the boat if we're not the first on board.
I have found that most guys who have recently come out of long term relationships - AREN'T really looking to get into another one. They're looking to enjoy their new-found freedom and get laid, especially those ones who married young and missed out on sex online first time round. (You can often spot these guys because they tend to try to sexualise things fairly early - even conversations. And they have a tendency to be a bit unreliable and inconsistent when it comes to dating, probably because they're communicating with multiple girls.
Secondly, guys who are separated are still married. And you have no way of knowing whether they will actually leave their wives. People lie all the time on their dating profiles and many people will put "separated" because they can't put "married" as an option knowing it would put a lot of people off but they are very much married (and looking to cheat).
And even if a guy is genuinely leaving his wife, there's likely to be a lot of upheaval in his life over the next few months which could make a new relationship very tense or rocky. It would all depend how amicable his divorce is and how far along in the process.
I recall a guy I met on a dating site who described himself as amicably separated. It turned out that "separated" meant that he'd moved into the spare room three weeks ago. I did not doubt his sincerity about wanting to leave his wife but I did doubt his wife's "amicable acceptance" of it after only 3 weeks. I turned him down but kept in very sporadic contact with him. About 4 months later, I heard that he had met someone but that his wife was absolutely livid and was making life very difficult for him. She thought they were taking a break whilst they thought about their options and given the fact that he was looking for a replacement after only 3 weeks her anger was understandable.
I'd say leave the separated ones, but the newly single ones?? You could give them a chance as it takes different people different lengths of time to move on from a relationship and some may be in a psychological position to start again. But be prepared to enforce a fairly lengthy courtship period without sex in order to weed out those who are just looking to get laid.
Good luck
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