A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for two years. I absolutely adore him and we had a perfect relationship until one day the police came to my house and cautioned him for sexual harrassment. It turns out he had been ringing a woman and talking dirty to her down the phone for the last two months. Obviously I finished with him and was devastated. Then i found out he had been ringing other people, including my mum but not saying anything. He sounds like a pervert and other people have told me to walk away from him. But i cant. I cant help but loving him. I want to get him some councilling as this is so out of character for my boyfriend.He was considered part of my family, and he said to me when i ring these numbers its as though some-one else is telling me to ring them and what to say. Everyone that knows about it is shocked as it is not like him and it would be the last person in the world they thought it would be. He has no-one else to turn to apart from me as his parents are in Austrailia and he daredn't tell the rest of his family as he is so embarassed. Should I consider taking him back after the councilling or walk away and start afresh? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (26 October 2007):
 Hi. You've written your question out very well. Well done. Makes it much easier for people to offer you their advice.
You are at the crossroads. There's lots for you to consider. But first - the simplest choice is to keep walking away. It is easiest to do now - he has shocked you, deceived you and abused your family. And he has abused the welcome your family has offered him in treating him as part of your family. So it is easier and much simpler for you to be angry with him and have nothing more to do with him. It might just be the shock that he needs to help him realise that when he behaves in this way - he loses. This is a type of therapy in itself - do this - you get caught - you lose things out of your life - and life gets worse. So in a way you might be helping him - by never going back.
Or you could remain in contact with him as friend. Very confusing to him. That says to him - do something bad - you get caught - but people feel sorry for for you - they give you attention - a different kind of attention. That could re-inforce the behaviour. He might do it again in future when he feels needs attention or a change in some way.
Your final option, should you consider taking him back? You still love him as you say. Will your love help him get better & change his behaviour? What have you seen so far? When he was doing this you were loving him and it didn't stop him. In your view the relationship was perfect - he was feeling your love and your support - yet he still did this, which was a form of betrayal. So love and support doesn't seem to work. You have another consideration as well, and that is your family. Your Mum has feelings - and she might be hurt by your choices here. Also your other family - if you take on the role of supporting this guy you are going to need some help and support yourself - but I would guess some/all of your family won't be happy supporting you. I can understand why - who can blame them? If anybody should be offering support it should be his own family - but he wants to keep it a secret from them. And by you staying with him - you will be helping him keep it a secret from his own family - help him suppress his secret. This might be a mistake - because sometimes someone in your own family is able to help in these situations - either because the condition is genetic, and someone else in the family has encountered similar behaviour and been treated successfully - OR - because some event occured in his childhood,which family members remember, to which his behaviour is linked in some way.
Now it might be helpful to think about his beahviour. Can it be explained? Can it be cured? Will it develope into something more serious or sinister?
What possible reason is there for doing this? It makes a person listen to him when he does it - so it gets him attention. It makes a person react at his will - so it gives him a feeling of power or control. It he is talking dirty - then it is giving him some sexual excitement or pleasure. If he has been been doing for two months it is habitual at the moment - so it's not a one off - it seems to be regular thing. If he is doing to more people - it is not the stalking/harassment against one person. We could assume then it is the act of doing the phone calls that gives him satisfaction - not the pleasure of persecuting/taking revenge against one person. It is still very difficult to understand why anyone would really want to do this sort of thing.
His response is that he hears voices!! Maybe - maybe not. He could have seen this on TV. No one will ever know - he could just be making this up. Psychiatrists/psychologists never really know whether an individual is making this type of cause up to justify themselves.
The future - could this just be a juvenile thing that he grows out of - like boys who set fire to buildings - steal cars and joyride etc.
Or could this be the start of more serious things - men who expose themselves get attention and a feeling of power - and so do some rapists.
So - what to do for the best? You have got to decide what is the right decision for you firstly , and your family. You have then got to question whether your love for him will help him - or not - because you will be making a sacrifice yourself - so it must have some benefit. Or would some punishment now save him from much worse punishment later.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (26 October 2007):
 He does indeed need help! If he's willing to go. You may be the only one who can assist him with this process, but I wouldn't consider taking him back until he's finished with his sessions, understand why and how this behavior became a part of him, and you see some definiate improvements. You may never be a couple again, but could always remain friends. But for now, someone needs to help this young man get the proper kind of treatment because his behavior is not normal and could become obsessive or harmful if left alone. You are a good person for wanting to help him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Well, the decision is yours at the end of the day, but personally i would run like hell!!! He has been caught like a rabbit in the headlights, spot on!! Come on!! How can you love someone who does things like this? He even rang you mum!!! What will he do next? What is stopping him? Please wake up and smell the coffee, why has he done it. There isnt some magic bloody noises in his head telling him to do this, is there?? That is what some of the worst mass murderes in the past have said. Someone told them to do it. Please walk away now, while you still have some sanity intact and stop worrying that his parents are far away, i dont bloody blame them!!!
take care
xx
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