A
male
age
51-59,
*onfused.about.everthing
writes:I spent years in a bad relationship, caring for my kids by my first wife. I am now divorced twice, kids are grown, and I am in a relationship I think is not good. She says she loves me and the when she is with her friends she never calls never lets me know where she is. Then she says she didnt think to call, didnt have time, was side tracked, sometimes just needs to forget everthing. We live together and I pay all the bills, I have sold all I have to keep them paid, gave up a real good job so she could stay around her family. I hardly ever see any of my family and it seems to be all about her. I think I love her, I tell her so, but I am unhappy. I want to travel and dont like living where we are. Am I being selfish? Should I continue to make others happy instead of me? Help..Should I stay in the relationship and try to make it work? She has left me twice in the past and sometimes I feel like I am her second choice and if he had taken her back the last time she would not be with me anyway. She says everthing is fine with us but I worry all the time now. I am very distrought and sometimes feel like I am going insane...help
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female
reader, samohir  +, writes (12 October 2007):
 In my opinion,you should gve the truck to the boy,if you promised, but paying her bills is something it falls on ur own decision, not something you Should Do!She is not over her Ex!? Thats something new.Have u ever asked her? talked about feelings, past?How you know she loves him even if he beated her? did she told you about? You can sense somehow? Maybe be that its other way, that she Hates him, is hurt and now acting strangely towards you..Of course thats not Your problem to solve but her deep personal..I think ur in love with her or the notion of being with her.But, in my opinion would be beetr to be apart now, and forget about her! you may speak about her ex, past feelings and see what is going on, but think is better she to be alone(for her sake) and if you love her would not be Ur failure but opposite. Leave her alone, to solve her matters first,than and only than you can see what she really wants!
In the meantime, make best out of ur life,do things u want and make u happy. The solution will come from its own!
Best of Luck
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Being alone is not a bad thing. I'm quite happy being alone, but I have also built myself up to a point where happiness is within me, and not through any external means. I hear people say, "oh he or she makes me so happy." Great when you buy a new truck, how long does your smile of it being new remain. It's the same thing. We loose the new relationship smell. When you find personal happiness, everyday is a wonderful day to start, and the person your spending it with is not the cause of it, but It's nice to share that day with someone special.
No, I personally wouldn't help her with bills, unless it was out of the goodness of your heart. You're not obligated to do so. If it were me I would still give the boy the truck. Just because it's over with the mom, you still made that deal with him, and a mans word shouldn't change because the situation did.
It's heard when someone is still stuck on their ex. Especially in these cases. It's almost like, beat her up a bit and they develop some sort of demonic power over her emotions. As long as she's living the past, and still extremely damaged from what he did to her, she is not capable of being satisfied in a relationship.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, confused.about.everthing +, writes (10 October 2007):
confused.about.everthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank all of you for your help. I am now out of the relationship and I feel some better but I must say that even though things were bad I really did and do care for her and it is hard not to think about her and miss her. How do I get passed that? I told you I have been divorced twice before and this feels like another failure. Even though we were not married I still feel like I did something wrong by leaving. Should I continue to help her pay the bills? I told her son I would give him my truck when I replaced it and she now wants to know if I am still going to do that? I am not sure what I need to do? She says she was giving me all she could, not all she had. I said she was giving what she wanted. Shw still loves her ex and keeps that in her heart and even though he has beat her and left her and now is re-married, she still want let it go to try to be happy with me, it hurts alot and I am very confused as to what is next and what I should do, help if you can, I am now confused and alone.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 October 2007):
You went from one bad relationship to another bad relationship. It seems as if she is very self centered, and is not being a good partner in this relationship.
I will tell you what the problem is and how this happened. I listened to Dr. Phil and all though many don't like his methods, he makes some very powerful points. One of which is: The worse thing you can do going from one relationship to the next is you take you with you."
That took me a short bit to figure out. When I did, it made complete sense. When you got out of your last relationship, you didn't take the time you needed or the steps you needed to repair the pain you left the relationship with. You didn't take time to build yourself up to make better choices. So when we get out of a bad relationship, we tend to get back into a bad one because we are the same person we were when leaving the last one.
You seem like a real nice guy and I'm not going to recommend being an ass. I will recommend you demand to be treated with respect. You need to stop allowing any behavior that is less than what you deserve. She is not treating you right and part of that is you're allowing it. Relationships are much like raising kids. Just as kids to we test our partners to see how far they will allow your behavior to roam, then we'll stay on that line. You set the boundaries of how you are treated, with her you'll have to redefine them
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A
female
reader, samohir +, writes (4 October 2007):
Relationship is about mutual reciprocity...healthy one at least.. I think that the very fact you have put ur feelings here,and not telling her is a proof that something is wrong.
Probably the bills are just one matter, what troubles you is your life at the moment and with her.
Hope you ll find solution, think deeply and reasonably a bit
Best of luck
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