A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband is very unromantic and makes little effort towards me. He is not a mean man, but isn't very giving. He is a hard worker and we have young children, and he works hard at work and helping with the yard and kids. He is also not a cheating man.In bed he is a selfish lover. He very rarely takes time to give to me. It is very onesided. He often neglects special days such as birthdays, valentines, anniversaries, mothers day. He has a car he has been restoring as a hobby for some time. He has spent large amounts of time and money on this car, many many thousands of dollars. It is only recently, that I have been feeling resentful, as he is spends so little time and effort on me. But so much attention to his hobby. He wouldn't think twice spending a couple of thousand dollars on a part for his car, but he has never spent more than a couple of hundred dollars on anything me...ever.I have spoken to him about this, and things will change for a few weeks, then it goes back to normal again. Once again on the weekend I spoke to him, because months had gone by without me being satisfied in bed, I have been feeling incredibly frustrated. He had attempted to bring me to orgasm a couple of weeks ago and gave up after 10 minutes, and when I told him it may take 1/2 hour sometimes, he laughed it off. I was so hurt, that he felt 30 mere minutes was to much time to spend on me.HDuring our talk he expressed to me that and I quote "work expects so much from me, and you expect something from me. It feels like everyone wants something from me and I'm tired of it, I feel like between work and home nothing I do is good enough."I was taken back. Surely wanting your husband to be a little romantic and giving, occasionally , is not work, but something he would want to do. Not unlike working on his car, yes its technically its work at times, but something he would enjoy doing, not a chore. Yet he put me in the same context of going to work??!!?? I've become like his boss demanding effort from him. It shocked me.So now I feel like I am a chore to him, that having to show me love is not a natural gesture for him. And that when he does do something, he's not doing it from his heart, but because he feels forced to do it. He makes so little efforts towards me, but equally expects me to rub his back, give him BJ's, have sex with him when he wants it, cook his meals and wash his clothes. He enjoys being spoilt on his b'day, and fathers day, christmas. How can he not realise that I would want the same things.I certainly don't feel giving him these special times as being a chore for myself. I am feeling resentful, he simply doesn't want to give me the attention I so desperately crave. I keep remembering our engagement, when he bought me a cheap dress ring worth only a couple hundred dollars, while he spent many thousands on his car at the same period of time. I was so hurt, but didn't want to be materialistic and selfish. With everything that has happened in our marriage, with it feeling so onesided, I keep dwelling on that period of time, and thinking it was a sign of what was ahead, that he really isn't that into me. A man who is completely in love with his woman would happily sacrafice his own hobbies and spend a bit of money on buying a proper engagement ring.A husband that is completely in love and into his wife, would not strugggle giving to her in bed and satisfying her, giving her a back rub, even a birthday gift.Am I being selfish, is it just me? Or is my husband simply just not that into me? Can a husband be the defition of "Just not that into you"?Is it wrong for a wife to expect to be satisfied in bed, to receive oral sex if she gives it to him. The occasional back or foot rub. Some romance??? I feel that I show him how I would want to be loved by the way I treat him, but he never reciprocates.Surely its not such a chore as he described to me.
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female
reader, Hatxmom  +, writes (29 July 2011):
You are not being selfish. I think you haven't been selfish enough. I have the same issue with my husband and his precious car, but he is not as selfish as your husband, just oblivious that I feel neglected at times. It annoys me, but I put my husband in check when i get fed up and I have never allowed him to walk all over me.You are too nice to your husband. Why should he make any effort when u give him everything? I am not saying that your marriage needs to be 50/50. It will never be exactly even, but you need to feel happy as you make him. The sex is a BIG deal. He needs to make more effort to get you there. Don't be giving away those bj's!! Dont let him get off til u do!!! And then later if u feel like giving him a freebie it's ok. You need to spend time together. Date nights if you can get a babysitter or family to watch the kids. It's important to have fun together. If you can't revive that spark,sex will always feel like a chore for the both of you. You need to speak up and make sure your voice is heard! But because he is a guy, you will need to do it from a place that doesn't feel like u r attacking him. Men are so sensitive when it comes to that! Avoid saying 'you make me feel...' instead say 'when you work on your car all the time I feel neglected' or something along those lines.I reccommend getting out of the house to have this talk, and get yourself dressed up. Men pay attention more when you look nice. I hope this helps. You are a good woman and need to realize your worth! If you don't, he never will!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): You are not being selfish, but your opinion of the situation is also biased. I'm not gonna suggest leaving him, because this is an issue that can be worked on if approached properly.
Some of your complaints with your husband seem to be things that are apart of his character. For example, being cheap. Him buying you a cheap engagement ring stood out to me as a red flag/warning for the future. Him spending ridiculous amounts of money on a hobby, and less on you shows he is cheap not only with his money but with the effort he puts into your happiness as well.
Another complaint you have is that your husband is selfish. And let me just say while i don't have both sides of the story he clearly isn't as worried about your happiness as much as his own. This is a sign of a selfish man.
Unfortunately to change someone's character is an impossible task. If he is not willing to change his ways or address his shortcomings, then I'm afraid you will spend forever playing this push and pull game with him.
Now you could go the immature route and stop giving him blow-jobs and back-rubs and spoiling him on holidays, but you area grown married woman, and you have to lead by example. Besides we women, especially when we are in love, love to spoil our men with these things.
One thing that gave me some insight into who your husband is was when he said "work expects so much from me, and you expect something from me. It feels like everyone wants something from me and I'm tired of it, I feel like between work and home nothing I do is good enough."
It makes sense for you to be hurt by him saying that. But lets take emotion out of this and look at this logically. He feels you are demanding your needs. Not saying you are, but this is how he feels. And let me tell you I've found out the hard way that making demands is the last way to get something out of a man.
If I want my boyfriend to do something for me, i have to make him feel like its an equal trade. For example he wants a mind blowing blow-job for 30 minutes, then i want an awesome 30 minute back-rub(I'm talking candles, oils, the works). It becomes fun for both of us and IT'S FAIR.
Sometimes its not what you say, but how you say it. If you are constantly criticizing your man, he begins to subconsciously and consciously stop giving into your needs. Butter him up, make him feel good, like he is the greatest man in the world, and THEN gently tell him you need more lovin' or mention that bracelet you saw in a magazine. But most importantly, it has to come from the heart and be genuine, he will know if its not. If you make your man feel like he can do no wrong, then he will try harder to live up to those standards.
If you communicate your needs clearly and respectfully, then it should bring some improvement to your marriage. But don't expect a miraculous 100% difference in this man. After all, he is who he was when you married him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): You need to think back to if has always been this way. And if it hasn't you need to try to figure out what has changed that may have caused his actions towards you to change. You need to sit him down and not make him feel as though you are drilling him, but share with him that it is really hurting you, and not just affecting you, but could affect your marriage as well. If he cant romantically make you happy, then you need to figure what is going to make you happy. A marriage can't work out if one of the partners is unhappy.
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