| A
age
51-59,
*
writes: A couple of months ago, I told my bf of a little over a year that I wanted to move forward in our relationship. He said this was something he wanted too but is the type of person to go slowly in any decision. We talked about moving in together, and then decided we would rather be engaged before doing so. The more we talked about moving forward, the less he seemed enthused about it. He became anxious about me wanting to buy all new furniture (the expense) if we moved in together, just because I talked about decorating, which he at one time was fine with. I am by no means that materialistic and told him that if we had the money way down the road, that would be great, but that wasn't my plan.Fast forward 2 months and he has asked that our relationship be about fun again and not talking about "the relationship", meaning moving forward. He has asked for 2 months to decide if he wants to move forward. I gave him 2 months, but think to myself that he is just stalling or stringing me along, but he insists that is not it. He insists he does not want to play the field. My friend thinks all men are sissies when it comes to commitment and to give him some time. I have strong suspicions that he's not going to commit to me, whether it be that it's just me or he will not commit to anyone. I feel like he's stalling. What do I do? Just keep giving him the 2 months? Just today we were talking about the world economy, just a general conversation, and he said he's thought of moving to another country. Just like that, in the first person, not any words like "us" move together. I didn't say anything to this remark because he was having a bad day. He doesn't want to talk all the time about "the relationship" when I don't think we did that. I feel like if he really wanted that, talking about it would be something he'd want to do. Am I being foolish?
View related questions:
engaged, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have decided to hang in there with the relationship. I did tell my bf how it made me feel that he was talking about moving to Australia and I have to wonder what he is doing with me.
He told me that he had said he HAD thought about it, but that it was before him and I were together. He told me that there is no way he'd move anywhere outside of our town without me and that he wished I would have told him my feelings earlier so I wasn't upset all night about it.
Made me realize I think he's worth giving more time. I was looking back at some of our emails on commitment (we talked as well) and he said that his biggest fear of commitment is worrying that the relationship will change.
I am sure that this is many mens' reason for being afraid to commit. I do not know what to tell him if in 2 months he's saying he's still scared that things will change. He wanted the 2 months to make sure that it was not all about moving forward, that there would be something there after moving forward.
A
female
reader, mummyter  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 You're welcome dear.
Give him the two months if you can, but remember to put yourself first. You only get one life and please remember that you ARE special. You're needs are just as important as his. If you feel the two months are "going to kill you" then please dont give them to him, instead perhaps propose a two month hiatus on your relationship while he "figures it out".
Bottom line is he cant have his cake and eat it, and he cant ignore your emotional needs while he mulls things over.
He may lose a good woman if he does!
Believe in yourself and you'll find how many others will follow suit in thinking your pretty special too.
You will know when you're fed up, just follow your instinct.
Good luck! xo
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPuzzlesolver,
Thanks for your reply. I wanted to mention that he has been to Australia already, and he was talking about moving there because of the US economy sucking right now. I know he probably said it because of his bad mood with the economy, but it showed me that because he was talking in the first person, he wasn't thinking of me in his future at that time.
This guy goes to Mass with me, wants to hang out with my mom and I when she comes down for Mother's Day, wants me at family functions. We've been on travel adventures together. So what gives. His parents have a great marriage and have been married all his life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmummyter, I agree with you in that I think it is only fair to give this guy the months I agreed to...even if it kills me. I still have to wonder if he really is ready, if I'm the one for him, this would not even be an issue and he would not be asking for more time.
So to be honest, a part of me feels if I should prepare for the fact that I will need to say goodbye.
Drawback to this whole thing if we break up is we work together and sit with only one cubicle between us. What was I thinking? : )
2 months is not waiting forever and a lot can change so I am giving it a chance.
Thanks ladies.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): I would give him more than the two months to think, in fact I would postpone the idea of getting engaged, if he's acting this unsure. With him talking of wanting to possibly go on an adventure to another country, it seems he might be more interested in getting some travelling or adventure done in life, before settling down. Please give yourself alot more time to think about it than you're giving him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): Wow. I just got out of the same situation. And that's what I did, I got out of it.
You probably don't want to hear this, but you're going to have to move on. Sure, ONE day he may decide he'll commit, but honestly, the problem is you aren't on the same page TODAY (if you are ready to commit), and you shouldn't waste your time.
If he ever wants to contact you in the future, fine, leave it to him. But just make sure that in your mind you have no expectations, and you just leave him behind and move on. I can't stress that enough. It's hard, you don't want to hear it, but there it is.
The reason I say all of this is because first of all, you're going to waste your time waiting for this guy. He has some issues that have nothing to do with you, and by that I mean it's not about something you did or said or could have done or said. And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with him. I'm just saying that he has some things that he has to deal with, like any of us might, and he needs time to do this. And as much as you may love him, this is NOT the type of thing you should be patient about. You need to find a man who will be on the same page with you and feel towards you as you feel towards him.
Again, he may be this man sometime in the future, but do not wait for him because it's not working out right now.
Second, you need to move on because if he's having doubts and needs time, standing over to the side waiting for him is not exactly going to resolve anything. It seems like he feels pressure, and do you really want to be with someone who feels pressure when he's with you?
In the end, this is just my suggestion, you need to do what you will be happy with and not regret. But this is what I did, and yes, it was very painful afterwards, but I dealt with it, kept myself busy, worked hard, did things that I had always planned on doing and moved on. I'm taking myself right now, and I hope you do the same. Waiting around and expecting something to happen is not good for you or for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, mummyter +, writes (5 May 2010):
you agreed to the two months, so give it to him whole heartedly. I suspect the real issue is that he's gotten so confused with all this talk about the future that he's forgotten the fun girl he fell in love with and just wants her back for awhile. If you arent comfortable not speaking about the future then you'd better resign yourself to the fact that you're not going to have a future with this fella, he seems to have cold feet at the moment. Time and getting the basic romance back into your relationship without any pressure may rekindle that desire to move forward.. but if you say no to him, Im betting he'll say no to you.
Good luck! 3
...............................
|
