A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I can't tell if I'm over thinking stuff, and being defensive as he keeps telling me, or I'm sensing mixed signals from him recently.My boyfriend can be quite snobby. But just through insecurity rather than expertise of an area/or wealth.The snobby remarks hurt, and I've told him so and pulled him up on them when he does. He sometimes says sorry and sometimes tells me its me being defensive.It feels as though he is comparing dads recently, we rent from my dad, and contribute to rent. We are far better of in this place and is a chance to save, although not idea location and a bit small. The alternative is renting in central town in the city. The pros outweigh the cons, and it was his idea to live here with me.His dad has a few properties dotted around the country, and some projects, has some spare cash and will contribute some money to help with a deposit for a new home when we will buy together.However, he doesn't seem to want to make a decision on things without seeking his fathers advice/approval. And each time we ourselves take a step to look at property/mortgages, he says i must tell my dad before he gets upset, I say this is a venture between the 2 of us, why can't we do our research, and 'seek advise' along the way, we don't have to account for our every footstep to his dad. He responds, ' you tell your dad what we are doing' I said the difference is i chat to my dad in convo, he's not telling me how to do stuff or will be upset if i don't tell him. He doesn't care, your dad will be 'upset' theres a difference. And he keeps angrily having tantrums in the house, 'argh, this place is too small; argh, we buy nice things but have to put them in the scummy draw' or makes comments to people when we say we live in my dads place, when people ask in convo, he states 'but we do pay her dads mortgage its not free' It hurts, because the place is nice and clean and looked after, its just on the smaller side, but it has a big garden, and is about 25 minutes further out on a tube than he would like as ideal.I lived in it for 4 years so far, and he joined in the last year so we could live together before buying together.We are very 50/50 with big purchases, and very fair, but he makes weird comments about money every once in a while, fair enough his dad has some more spare cash than mine does, but to me its not about inheritance, we are both in the same boat side by side and receive a very similar salary. My dads way of helping is letting us live in his house, knowing we get to save some cash to save for a deposit.Previous snobbish remarks were to do with working class vs middle class type things, id class my background working class, and him lower middle class. But our upbringing is similar, mine had better education, He had more family holidays. So what in my eyes? Hence i say at the start its out of insecurity.But he continues with digs at the house we live in and at what feels like paying my dad rent. I just don't know how to shrug it off, maybe I'm taking it to heart?I'm currently looking forward to hear about his views of being tenants in common % split, whether his dad gives him extra cash is his argument to have a higher split % or not. My view is 50/50, otherwise the rest of our house maintenance/furnishings/future extended family costs will be split with the same %..... I'm going to wait until he leads this convo.I'm not sure if this is defensive or not? He keeps telling me I'm defensive, his opinions are not personal to me, its just his views.Not sure how to take these on the chin in future?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 First of all, I would NOT purchase big things TOGETHER. YOU two are not married so IF it came to a split, you would have a lot of potential drama over STUFF.
I would make SURE when you BUY a house together that EVERYTHING is done in a way that EITHER of you can buy out the other (in case) and that you both STAND as owners, so BEFORE buying - I would contact a solicitor and get the fact of what you REALLY need to do.
And next time he gripes about the place, ask him if he rather move out, because you are getting a little tired of hearing the same crap over and over. Basically if he can't stand the smell of the bakery he can get out.
As for the whole background thing? He is feeling inferior and trying to find points where HIS is "better" - petty. And IMHO really weird.
You have to decide if all these "little" things are (combined) something you can live with or not. Personally, it would get OLD for me in a NY second.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): So in other words he doesn't respect your home, doesn't respect your background, or your family and is afraid of his father. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): Well, when you mentioned the difference in education, it makes a little more sense. No matter your income, I have noticed through experience that people who are educated tend to also be more reasonable, overall. More so than people who are not educated, regardless of their social status and income. There is a quote that reminds me of how you describe your boyfriend: "If you fall for anything, you'll stand for nothing." Which is often the Achilles Heel of the unwise and uneducated. Education is not just college related, but it can also be met with family wisdom passed down from generations. Some people don't have that in their family, either the college legacy or generational wisdom, which having these in your family often leads to reacting to things with sensibility and reason and compassion. People who are educated and wise usually know the importance of social behavior and social dynamics. And know how to behave appropriately and accordingly. And lack of this knowledge, seems to me like it is the biggest factor in why he acts the way he does. He doesn't get it. They have money but they don't have much sensibility or wisdom.Do you love him? I just ask because that would bother me and would make me rethink my relationship.
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