A
female
age
51-59,
*exilou
writes:Okay I need your help. In light of the terrible crimes in uk recently regarding knife attacks, am I being a paranoid, controlling mum or am I right to contact his friend's parents?My son (middle child) is 14 and not what i would call streetwise, he is a lovely lad, blonde and cute and skinny. He has started hanging out more with his mates and going out day and night since the summer holidays, which is good in someways as he is not stuck at home on the computer or xbox or wii. Tonight he came home at just before 9 (had been dark for around 20 mins) and told me I should be proud of him. Why?? His exact words were that when a boy pulled a knife out of his pocket he left immediately. Straight away I asked where this happened, he told me the area he was in with two of his friends, which is a place I wouldnt walk though in the day let alone after dark. I thought he was close to home near where we live. We tried to say we werent happy about this but he blew his top, backtracked on what he said and stated that he just saw a knife in the guys pocket and denied saying that a knife was pulled.After his outburst, which included packing a bag and texting my mum to ask if he can move in with her we grounded him for one week. We are still getting verbal abuse now.He has informed me that we are the only parents in the world who wont let him go to this area. My question is: - should I ring the other parents and ask their opinion, let them know where our sons have been going and what happened tonight or leave it alone. One of the boys mum is actually a police woman and the other is a stay at home mum like me but quite strict. I dont want to get them into trouble but I care about these lads and obviously dont want them or my own son to come to harm. What do you think is the best way to handle this x
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (12 September 2008):
lexilou is verified as being by the original poster of the question I didnt take it as criticism, it was a very good answer, thank you.
I think I will lift the grounding for the second week and say Im am doing it because he did do the right thing, I will admit that its was his subsequent behaviour towards us that made me ground him but maybe I should have been more supportive in light of what he told me rather than just concentrating on what he did wrong later x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): Lexilou,
Please don't think that I'm criticising you, insulting you or offending you in anyway.. As I said, you have behaved perfectly (apart from a few very small things) and remember that I have no kids, I'm not a mother, I am not as close to this thing as you are. Your actions were brilliant, and you too deserve praise and honour.. He had no right to put himself in a dangerous situation, he had no right to go where he was in danger. I'm just reminding you, that he made one mistake but then afterwards he did the right thing. He was probably trying to test himself to see if he could cope. Well yes, he did well, but to continue such behaviour is suicidal.. You as a mother and an adult have got to keep him safe. There is nothing wrong in demanding he steer clear of dangerous areas, there is nothing wrong in telling other adults that their son's or daughters may be in danger. Young men need excitement and you are not wrong in setting down some limits and demanding respectful language, behaviour and actions whilst he is living in your house...
As I said, your actions have been blameless. I was just proud of your son and the way he handled himself and I thought that deserved praise.. I was just giving another opinion, trying to explain why he has been rude and offensive when he was expecting praise and glory...
But you are the adult, you are not living in some beautiful far off world. You know about drug addicts, knife crimes and prostitutes, you know which areas are safe or unsafe for your son. He acted brilliantly, but really and truly, he shouldn't have placed himself in such a dangerous position in the first place, and you have every right to get angry and assert parental control....
But I like kids, I can sympathise and empathise with him. He's feeling like a warrior on his first kill, he feels like a virgin newly married and he wants recognition for what he has done. I stick by my words, whether he has been unsafe and stupid, he needs you to respect him. He saw violence and trouble and he acted in the right way, praise him as a young man, growing to face up to the troubles of the world, this will take you further than punishing him for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time and actually inviting these problems into his life. He needs praising for what he has done, rather than punishment for what he has done wrong...
No disrespect meant Ms Lexilou, you have children, I don't.. I'm just an opinion, something to take on board or ignore. You are the mother here, and he is your son, and you must act in the best way possible to grow him tall, strong, courageous, moral and successful in life. As I said, I wish you and your family well.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (11 September 2008):
lexilou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, I know he did the right thing and Ive only punished him because he insisted that he would be okay to go back to that area and refused to accept that it was out of bounds.
I AM overprotective with him because he was my 'baby' for ten years until the 3rd one came along but I do wish he was a little more streetwise! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): Hi Lexilou,
I have no children, and the advice you have been given and the things you have decided to do are spot on. I am however, very street wise, it's due to the area and the circumstances that I live in. I would give you one small piece of advice, your sons actions were brilliant, he did the right thing in the circumstances and he was looking for praise rather than punishment. Like you, I come from Britain, I know how dangerous things can be for kids. But the problem with overprotecting kids, is that the never learn the skills they need to deal with in life. You can't always be there, and sooner or later he will need to find strategies and solutions to deal with dangerous things.
You may remember the McPherson report, and the death of Steven Lawrence at the hands of those thugs. Steven was actually with another friend called Duwayne Brooks. Steven was a A level student who had been protected all his life, Duwayne was streetwise and was not much into books. The Lawrence family blamed Duwayne, at first they thought it was his fault that Steven had been killed. They were horrified that it was actually their own protective behaviour that had put Steven in danger, when he was faced with a bunch of racist thugs, he was frightened and didn't know what to do. Duwayne kept telling him to run, but Steven stood frozen in fear. That's why today we remember how Steven died, but we remember less about Duwayne because he is alive.
Please praise your son, he is feeling like a man, because he has acted like a man, he was very brave, and he didn't run away because he was scared, he ran away because he knew it was the right thing to do. You have placed yourself in the role of protective adult, but you really don't understand what these children face on the street. In a knife fight, well let me tell you, watch your son and do exactly what he tells you to do, things can be very bad out there, and he has to learn to think quickly and act appropriately to keep himself safe...
In this case your son acted brilliantly, I know you don't understand, because this type of violence is not in your world. Please send him my congratulations for his actions, he acted brilliantly and you should be very proud of what he has done.... Blessings to you, your son and your family...
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (10 September 2008):
lexilou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRe the lack of nswers - Yes me too!!!
Its always hard to give all the facts and I often reply and then someone puts more info in and you think, well why didnt you say that in the first place. Thanks for answering. I found a solution last night. When I went to talk to my son as he had stopped being aggressive he was on msn. Both the other boys were on there. I asked them both separately for the truth, with my sons permission. The one I thought would lie and whose parents I thought wouldnt care said the boy DID pull a knife, he had told his dad too and was also banned from the area after dark but is allowed in the 'nicer' part of the area during daylight. The other one said his mum and dad were ok with it, which I dont believe for a minute. My son has now agreed that it is not the place to be after dark and has PROMISED to steer clear, but I shall make sure I know where he is at all times once the grounding lifted. Ive even told the boys they can hang out here after dark once a week in the back room which has telly, piano, wii, guitars and computer so plenty for them to do!! (we have a 3 year old to consider too and a 16 year old with a boyfriend so once a week to start is enough) x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Nothing's ever easy, as we know. Sometimes it just helps to get things off our chest. You sound like a more-than-capeable parent and I'm sorry if I got a few facts wrong - to be fair, you didn't give enough information - so just keep being you. As I said, I can identify with your predicament - difference being, mine are in their mid/ late 20s but it don't get any easier!Good luck.p.s. Greatly surprised at the distinct lack of answers - c'mon aunts - SUPPORT!!!
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (9 September 2008):
lexilou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor one Im not a lone parent and two I didnt blow my top he did, I actually stayed very calm and listened to the full story first. He was the one who exploded and ranted and raved and changed his story. I am proud of him for walking away, and I told him so, but he was in an area he knows we dont like, there is a lot of crime in this ares and the park (where they were) is a known haunt for drug takers with gangs hanging around. Its around 4 miles away from where we are. Our reaction was shock that he had gone there, we are not trying to control him but as a parent of two boys and a girl I expect my children to follow rules and obviously I try to protect them from danger. On the other hand I also believe it is my job to raise 3 healthy independent strong children who can stand on their own two feet but are not afraid to ask for help when needed, a hell of juggle for any parent.
We actually handled the initial situation very well by staying calm, listening and then informing him that he knew the area was out of bounds. When he blew up, packed his bags, slammed the doors and screamed and shouted at us we calmy told him he would be grounded for 1 week. Since his return from school tonight and the verbal abuse I have received this has just increased to two weeks.
My main concern is that once the grounding is lifted he will return to the area, that is why I think I should contact the other parents as if they are not aware where their boys are then they will all keep going, whereas if their parents ban them too, one my son wont think Im the only one and two they wont be as inclined to sneak there, especially one of the boys as he is grounded for the slightest things and is generally a good lad like my son. My main concern is the other boy is always getting into trouble but I give him a chance as a lot of it is to do with his home circumstances and he is a nice lad deep down, he just needs someone to believe in him. However he is the type to tease the other boys if his dad doesnt ground him too. It is difficult but if I dont stop this and they get into drugs, get beaten by a gang or stabbed for being from another area then I would never forgive myself x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): Naturally, as a parent of boys as well as a girl, I understand your fears. However, your initial reaction to your sons' statement should have been far more positive. He is telling you that this stuff is out there, on your own doorstep, he walked away from it, at great risk of being ostracised by his own crowd so yes - on that score, you should have been proud and let him know it. I imagine you are a lone parent which makes it many times more tough on you. You have got to try to accept that you cannot ever have total control over your kids' behaviour outside the home so, a big element of trust is called for here. Your lad called for your support and endorsement of his commendable behaviour but you flew into one, instead of giving him the encouragement and trust he deserves. You can make things good again between you by declaring that you had no idea that this stuff was so close to home - therefore your reaction to his revelation was one of shock. All of which is the truth. Being a parent is never easy and seems to get harder with each successive generation: you have just got to be aware of the bad things that might happen, have faith in your upbringing of your kids and their own honesty and judgement. If you feel you must contact other parents, do it discreetly and without drama.I wish you good luck.
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