A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Modnote: Two very similar posts started off the same and were from the same poster. The two have been combined herein. without repeating the identical start. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .So I have been going out with this guy for almost 3 months. I thought we were just casual, but bit by bit we started hanging out more, talking more about personal stuff and he started holding my hands when we are out. He is the first person that makes me smile so happily again since I broke up with my ex 1.5 years ago.But there are things which make me hesitate about continuing with him. They are small things, but make me think he may not be a companion I need despite all the fun we have together.I always have to ask him for the time and date to meet as I like to plan my week ahead. Though he always is able to tell me right away, days ahead our date, I do not feel good about it. As I think even a spontaneous person will plan if they do want to meet someone. Besides, we seldom write in between our dates. But what triggers me into thinking stopping is that, couple of days ago I told him I want to learn how to cycle properly this year. His first reaction was that, he couldn't teach me as he likes to go on difficult routes, instead of being a bit more encouraging or at least try once with me just for fun.I know these things may sound stupid, but they remind me a lot about my ex of 3.5 years, who hurt me the most and have even beaten me once. These little things may seem small, but it does matter to me that someone show their enthusiasm to meet me by initiating ahead time to time or to encourage me to achieve things I want to. Of course this guy is not as bad as my ex, as my ex would go on blaming me for asking him to plan ahead and belittle me for wanting to achieve something that is easy for others. But I can't help remembering my ex from this guy's action.I have never talked to him about the initiating thing nor my feelings about his reaction on me wanting to learn how to cycle. As part of me feel like talking to a guy about my negative feelings is a waste of time, as my ex just always used it against me. I do not know if I am assuming too much of my ex's characters on this guy and I should talk to him first. Or I should just leave it as I hesitate about him although I am very happy whenever I am with him.I really do not want to mess this up because of my bad experience from my abusive relationship before, but same time I do not want to waste more time on people that is not right for me. Thank you all and forgive me if I sound very stupid..............and But there are things that make me hesitate about continuing with him. Something small but reminds me a lot about a past relationship, the longest one (3.5 yrs) and the one that hurt me most. For example, most of the time when meet up, I have to be the one who initiate the convo about the time and date. Though he always can tell me right away when he wants to meet, days before our date, I do not exactly feel good about it. Cos for me, I think even a spontaneous person, if they wanna meet someone, they will make plans. And one more thing that finally triggers me into thinking about stopping is that, couple days ago I told him I really want to learn how to cycle properly, his first reaction was that he couldn't teach me as he likes to go on difficult routes. But not encouraging me or at least try it once with me, just for fun or even have a laugh at me.These things may sound stupid to you all, but these are couple of the many little things that finally make me into breaking up with my ex of 3.5 years before (and my ex has beaten me once). Anyway, I have actually never talked to this guy about me not liking the fact I always have to set up our date nor about how I felt about his reaction to my goal of able to cycle properly. These things make me realised he may not be a companion I need, though I have a lot of fun with him. I don't know if I should at least talk to him first or just leave it. I do not know if I am assuming too much he will be like my ex and not care when I tell him about my negative feeling, or worse like my ex, blame me for my feelings. Or I should just leave now as he resembles some qualities of my ex?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): From what I can see I think your boyfriend is treating you like a trophy girlfriend and you find him arrogant like your ex but he is muddling your thinking because he is acting like a kingpin that thinks you need him.If you are sorting out the dates he is no good.He expects you to sort it all out for gorgeous, witty him!.In effect he has a slot for you as wing man to his glorious existence.The bike issue is quite telling.He doesnt want you on the same routes as him.You are looking for an ideal companion.Someone with a gentler kinder spirit.Someone who has space in their life for you as a person, not a sidekick.Someone whose day is so much better for being with you.This guy can be kicked to the kerb as ruthlessly as you like.Tell him you dont see it going anywhere.He will probably pull out all the stops because alpha males like to do the dumping.Theyve been told all their lives how wonderful they are and they believe it!If he has subliminal violence and throws a violent wobbler then call the police on him.He will adjust his behaviour and story on arrival.But chances are he will try to proove himself with gifts and compliments.If youre not feeling the lurve its because it isnt there.So no matter what route you take, simply dont arrange another date with him.Keep yourself busy and do things in your spare time that enhance your lifeand if he moves forward in a way you like then carry on seeing him but a bit more as Lady Unavailable.If you are nearly 100%sure that he is not the correct character for you then you will feel compelled to end it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): First and foremost, sweetheart, get-over your ex. He's no standard to set your future or potential mates by. My ex wasn't this and my ex wasn't that; my ex did this, and my ex did that. That's why he's your ex, and should be deleted from memory. Let me now pass on some wisdom to you and other young women, my dear.
You've learned your best lessons in life and dating from your exes. You should grow stronger; because you survived them, and you're now on the other side. If you are weaker, you're either a slow-learner; or not yet ready to for dating. You may need more healing-time. Focus more on self-improvement.
Don't go looking for boyfriends out of loneliness and desperation. Don't take what you can't give back.
If you aren't able to articulate to a guy what you're looking for, then you're not ready to date. You have to know what it is you need, and give a guy a chance. Not hold a hammer over his head to smash him for imperfections that may not even be as bad as your own. Be fair.
Be more assertive. "I'm trying to improve my cycling and I'm looking for a partner who might be interested in riding along." Would bring across a better message. You didn't have to ask him to teach you, some people don't like dependency or burdens placed on their shoulders to fix or improve you. If he tells you he's a trail-rider, he's explaining he rides on a different level and prefers a more rigorous style. So he's not into peddling along and has a mountain bike. So what does your ex have to do with it? Don't go looking for a daddy, you're looking for a date; who may eventually qualify as your boyfriend. If he is on the same page about it.
If you're looking for a husband. Stop! Huge mistake. Thinking too far ahead. That's desperation at the wheel.
This is the phase of trial and error, courtship, and selection.
People have work schedules, hobbies, and a life-style of their own; which they have to plan around. It may seriously conflict with yours. Some people lead very busy and complex lives. Especially while in your 20's; when you are completing higher education and building a career. Nobody has to rewrite their life for you, nor you for them. If you're a good match, you'll work it out.
You may have a lot of spare-time, and you may be very organized as a planner. Again, it has nothing to do with your ex. Evaluate his character, style, and personality based on his traits and attributes. Stop making everything that isn't what you want them to be something negative and evil. It's just what makes him different. If he's a heterosexual male, he's going to exhibit similar traits to your ex. Be sensible, girlfriend!
You want a guy with moderate biking skills, likes to plan and schedule ahead, and willing to encourage you. Keep
working on it. You can find it. You can't judge everything only by what you want and by your stiff/rigid expectations. You leave room for compromise, negotiation, and suggestion. Too many people forget, this is a two-way street; and potential dates/mates are evaluating you as well. If you're inflexible, needy, and lack initiative; they'll pick-up on it. You can end-up on the cutting floor as well!
Stop dating with a male-bashing attitude. You have to be open-minded and set reasonable standards. You can't let your ex be your gauge about men; because somethings are common among humanity/mankind. Unfortunately, some of those things aren't good. Never forget your own flaws and quirks. Set your standards and expectations based on a suitable match for those things about yourself that are not likely to change, or can't be changed.
I remember a discussion way back in philosophy class, about common terminology and idioms acceptable in society. Wanting someone to "complete me," and finding a "soulmate." How these terms are so commonly woven into our thinking is unnerving. I am whole. I don't need anyone to complete me. You breakup with people, or they may die. New people enter your life. How can you designate one human being your soulmate? You can, and will, fall in-love numerous times. Nobody matches perfectly. I considered it these all ridiculous concepts or notions, long before I got more educated about it. The school of hard-knocks and life reinforced my knowledge; and I gained wisdom through experience. I've learned (and I'm still learning) from my mistakes.
From the things you've said about the guy, he may still have good potential. You're being to ridged, because you can't get your ex out of your head. So you're not being fair in your personality-assessments. How can a guy who hardly knows you, hasn't really been on but a few dates, really be encouraging about your goals? He has to learn more about you to know when to step-in and comment. People sometimes mistake encouragement for criticism; and it won't always come at what you consider the right time. He will fit them where he sees the need. Given a chance, that is.
The trial-period of dating are those first few months you should be getting acquainted. Figuring-out who he is, revealing who you are; and not planning too far in advance. Because the chemistry of romance works best when it is slow and deliberate. All the proper ingredients must be added for the right formula to success. Too much judging and making comparisons to exes really indicates you have not dealt with trust-issues; and the post traumatic stress of a previous broken-relationship. To put it bluntly, you're dragging old-baggage. He'll pick-up on it, and he'll distance himself. You'll judge him as a jerk. I'd judge him as wise.
Slowly and consistently educate him about who you are, what your needs and expectations are; and give him time to reveal his true nature. Test results come with time; and after a series of challenging events. Learn about his flaws and quirks, learn the degrees of his temper, patience, kindness, and generosity. Listen to his opinions, voice yours openly; then consciously observe where you meet on common-ground. Leave ex in the past. He's not a PH-test by which all males are tested.
In our age of technology, people forget how to relate to fellow-humans. Expecting perfection, when imperfect, demanding more than they can deliver, and failing to manage their own weaknesses; while harshly judging others. We all need to slow down and just pay attention. Give people benefit of the doubt, and pay close attention to the read-flags. Nit-picking is immature, and comparing everyone to an ex as a standard that will not allow you to move forward, or give you real freedom. You will always live under his thumb. You will expect every guy to promise never to hurt you, and you will sabotage potentially good relationships with pettiness and unrealistic expectations. You have to be mature, patient, and give each guy a fair and unbiased evaluation. Based on who he is, not what your ex was like. It's not always about what you want; sometimes it's what you need and deserve.
Don't expect people to read your mind and know what you want. That's why you date. To make selections based upon your personal-criteria for a good match. You can't always check-off all the boxes, you're lucky if you check most of them. Then assess yourself by the same standards; can you meet or surpass them yourself?
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A
male
reader, Someone007  +, writes (17 January 2017):
That depends upon the reasons u letf ur ex for
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (17 January 2017):
 Presumably your ex wasn't all bad so sharing qualities with your new man may be part of the reason you are attracted.
I think it is commendable that he doesn't want to cycle with you. Some people would but for others it just spoils their enjoyment. This is his relaxation. He doesn't want to become a teacher. Sort that out with someone else. Perhaps he can suggest someone.
The aspects of him that worry you, are they deal breakers. The fact that you can walk away sounds like you aren't that attached to him. Perhaps you are just being strong.
Anyway I think you should give it a little more time together and see if things turn a corner - either way.
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