A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was in a marriage with a man who was pirn addicted for many years . I have now met another man who I thought was wonderful and believed was very attracted to me x I explained to him that my ex was more interested in women in their twenties despite the fact we are in our fifties and that I never want to be I a relationship with another man who feels that way . As I told him , it’s totally his choice and business if that’s how he feels and that’s what turns hi. On but please let me know upfront as we would not be suited . My self esteem took a huge battering already and at a time in myLife when I’m dealing with that and also feeling invisible I don’t need it . Frankly I’d rather be alone than with a man who wants to look at women you g enough to be a daughter . It’s simply a huge turn off to me and because I knew that would be the case I was very honest in my feelings and had that discussion . He assured me he wasn’t interested in women in their twenties and any porn he liked was of a more mature genre .Fast forward and I find he is totally into the typical crap my ex was . I feel totally unattractive to him and it honestly feels like he couldn’t have tried harder to find everything opposite to me to turn himself on. He’s acting like I’m being unfair in feeling this way but I don’t want this relationship because I simply don’t want to feel how I did with me ex . In all fairness I explained exactly how I felt and he could easily have just told me that’s what he liked and we wernt suited but instead he’s tried to trick me . Why try and trick me into a relationship when he knows I’d rather be single than in that situation Surely if a man had a right to choose to watch porn and have that boundary in his life then a woman also has the right to have boundaries too? So long as each person is honest which he wasn’t . It’s just so creepy to me that he’s watching women that age especially when I have daughters that age and their friends and them are always here . I could never and would never be sexually interested in a male that age . And before anyone gives me some line about women being fertile and the biology argument , it’s now well known that men’s sperm quality starts to degrade after age 45 . They have no excuse to be creepy . Am I asking too much for a manWho likes women his own age and now half his age
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 January 2019):
 Of course you have any right to establish which are your own dealbreakers. As a matter of fact, you are even quite lenient and understanding, if compared to many posters who told us just watching porn- tout court, of any description or category- is a deal breaker ,and they only want a porn-free guy.
Yet, your expectations do sound a bit unrealistic.
Let's define " prefer ". Maybe he prefers women your age as steady partners, for relationship and companionship - and younger women for their visual appeal as a quick wank-aid. Is this really so evil, so weird, so shocking ?.. He is not even doing it on purpose ! - it's just how most people are wired.
I mean, come on- I guess you do not masturbate to videos or pictures of male sexual icons ( and neither do I, I assure you :) - but suppose you OUGHT do it. Maybe to win a bet, or to join a scientific study about female arousal or for any weird reason.
Well, what pictures would you choose : Axl Rose as he was in the 80's, looking like a young Viking warrior- or as he is now, looking exactly as any other retired gentleman at the local Senior Centre ? Iconic Mick Jagger in his 20 's or 30's, or his current version looking just like what he actually is : a wizened great- grandfather ?
Also note , though, that I am not saying that older women are only good for tea and sympathy, but for hot sex you need the young ones.
It is perfectly possible for a man his age or older to have very fulfilling sex with a woman his age or older in everyday life, and it does happen. But the quick release of porn is often about
" different ". It's about fantasy, escape . Something you do not get in your everyday life.
Let's suppose that you are, say, a schoolteacher from Bedford. You are basically happy with your life , work, family etc. , but while you wait for your bus to work, you start daydreaming, to kill time. What do you daydream about ? About being another schoolteacher from Bedford ? Heck no, you'll daydream, say, about being Meghan Markle. Do you REALLY want to be Meghan Markle ? God forbid, you don't want to have to wear all those silly hats and feet-killing heels, and to have to bow to your snooty in-laws even when they piss you off. But you did want a moment of mental play .
What I am trying to say is that perhaps you are taking too personally , as a criticism to your attractiveness, something that's not meant as such. I could understand you more if you said that porn watching per se is a deal breaker , because you find it juvenile or vulgar or immoral or whatever, and because you don't want a man who pours so much of his mental and sexual energies outside of your couple relationship . But once his porn watching does not bother you in itself, as it seems to be the case, as long as you have control on its content - eh well, then good luck to you, I think it will be difficult to find anybody, male or female, who won't find youth and good looks visually appealing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): Thanks for the answers . Once again I’d like to reintegrate that I absolutely don’t feel I have any right to dictate what he likes or looks at just as I feel he doesn’t have any right to dictate what’s a deal breaker for me .it also doesn’t bother me do much if he finds anyone attractive whether their age is 18 - 100 but for
Me the deal breaker is when a man is invested enough in looking at you g
Women that he feels the need to look at pirn of them . I simply don’t want that in a relationship. It’s quite one thing to notice someone your daughters age is attractive and quite another in my opinion to be seeking them out to masterbate over . Yes personally I would
Like a man who’s tastes in women are for women his OWN age not his daughters .
I simply wanted and expected clear disclosed before getting involved and wasn willing to peacefully move on which I now am. There’s no nagging as implied and frankly that’s wuitr a sexist implication when at no stage did I mention any nagging or trying to change his behaviour .
He is now free to have his young women and find a woman who’s comfortable knowing he masterbate over girls her daughters age and I can be single but at least not being used as a peace of meat for his sexua release whilst he fantasises over these younger women. Unfortunately the you g models that he matserbates over are unlikely to Be available to him and he’s likely to find another older lady to use as a second choice
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): It boils down to this. Men remain sexually-attracted to other women, attractive women, or younger women; but can still love, remain attracted, and stay faithful to you.
Men and women think differently; and how we approach sexuality is based on our gender differences. Nature programmed and wired the genders to be able to reproduce. Men can be fertile at any age; whereas women stop producing eggs at some point in their life-span. However, nature also created erectile-dysfunction and the lowering of testosterone-levels with age; which equalizes things a bit.
The eyes write checks that the body can't cash!
I find it gross too, when I see some wrinkled dried-up old geezer goggling at some teenager; or young females in their 20's or 30's. Yet some women in that age-group are still attracted to older-men. How old is a matter of choice; and what they may happen to find attractive, aside from his aged-appearance. Men have be sexually-aroused to get an erection; and what he sees is often the trigger. Nature wrote the book on sexuality, go argue with her.
FYI, a man or woman in their 50's+ can still be sexually-appealing to younger people in their 20's-30's. If they've still got it! Age and genes were simply kind to them. Sometimes the attraction is not solely a matter of appearance; but a natural sex-appeal that is apparent to the eye of the beholder. Love crosses boundaries. Some folks age like fine wine.
Being faithful and monogamous is voluntary. It's matter of choice and self-control. Indulging in porn, is also a choice. You have a choice not to date or commit to men you know like to watch porn. If it makes you feel unattractive, when there is no logical correlation between you and some image on a screen; then it's a matter you have to resolve about yourself. If you don't like porn, or men who view it; then that should be your deal-breaker.
If your self-esteem is tied to whether a man finds other (younger) women attractive; I think you might have difficulty with heterosexual men who have eye-sight.
Lusting with the eyes is a sin; but it's up to him to decide what to do with his eyes.
He has to show you the respect you deserve by honoring your monogamous-commitment, and respecting your feelings. Which starts with you making it clear to your love-interest or male-suitor; that you do not tolerate the use of porn while in a relationship. Insist on being respected when he's around other women. If any man violates those rules; then you have the choice to end it. Not stay there nagging and frustrating yourself; when he's a grown-man, and can do what he pleases. As can you!
You're absolutely right, however. There have to be boundaries. You can set your boundaries; but it's up to him to respect them. It's also your responsibility to familiarize yourself with the habits of men before you agree to be their girlfriend.
It might be creepy to you, but it's pretty common for old-men to find younger-women attractive. Provided they are not under-aged girls, which is pedophilia. Defined as sexual-perversion, illegal, and an on-the-spot deal-breaker! You can check his background for whether a man is a registered sex-offender. There is also social inappropriateness.
As for where you draw the line, that's a matter of opinion; and up to you not to tolerate it in the men you prefer to date.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): I honestly think porn is a scourge of the land as much as drugs. Unfortunately the internet has made porn so axcessable that no one can escape it. I think you have extra reason to be worried since you have young daughters staying with you. Does he know that porn can harm a man way more than he thinks in ways that it nums his senses to the real thing and cause all sorts of sexual issues like ED and PE.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): End it. You've set your boundaries and they seem fair to me. You'll never be comfortable with this man knowing his porn choices. It is only biology in the sense that we all tend do look at attractive people of all ages. I'm in my fifties and have been noticed by men much younger men than I am. If I had young daughters I too would feel creepy with him being around them. Quite frankly, my stomach would be churning.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 January 2019):
 A man being sexually aroused by a younger than him female is VERY much biology. However, doesn't mean he has NO control.
What I do get from you is that you feel YOU have the right to dictate what he gets aroused by and what he can't. Because YOU don't (or so you claim) feel sexual attraction you younger males, HE shouldn't be sexually or otherwise attracted to younger than him females. THAT isn't realistic.
You partner CAN can attracted to you AND your younger females. It is a possibility.
Most of the porn out there is of YOUNGER female. Some with younger men, some with older. It's less common with older women, though I'm sure there is a niche for that too.
If this is a deal-breaker then END it.
Are you asking too much of men? In a way I'd say yes. On another way, I'd say if you have been upfront that PORN is a no-no and he LIED about it to continue to date you, then I don't really think it's asking too much.
I don't think he is being creepy finding younger women attractive. I CERTAINLY notice an attractive younger man (and older too) - I didn't go BLIND when I got married. But I don't past noticing an attractive person and that is it. A "Damn he is fine!" and then move on.
However, it doesn't matter what I think, IF YOU FEEL this is a deal-breaker then END IT.
That's it.
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